You can't handle the truth

So I have a lot of things planned for the next few weeks- creatively speaking. Some will alter a lot of how I have been doing things, and some will alter life as we know it. I feel badly, as some of the things may affect friendships, but I don't like to be put in a position where one friend may dictate who I may be friends with for whatever reason, or give me crap because of another friendship. You don't have a right to judge, but if you decide to bring your judging eyes gazing my way, expect to have a mirror flashed before your eyes. It is how it will be, and I am not taking t any more. I don't like it, but it has been unleashed and will slowly gain momentum. I haven't smoked in nine days and I think that has something to do with it. I used it as a crutch, asa tool to inflict some suppressing self loathing, slow self mutilating angst against myself in order to keep most of this in, but I haven't craved a cigarette, merely craved the ability to unleashed what I've been penting up for so long. I love you but don't fuck with me. I now beleive I have the right to be happy, and I know I can be. Although I still fear some of the risks, I will start slowly stepping toward the edge of that cliff, it's time to jump. There is only now, if there is anything

Scott Farcas Takes It On The Chin

I will make it today. I will make it today, I will make it today. I must return to being able to enjoy the things I did before, and I must be able to do so without feeling guilty. I miss Andrew, and today is not the same without him, but I know he would want his dad to be happy. I know he is with me in spirit. I hope you all have a Happy Christmas. I want you all to be safe and be happy. I am going to watch A Christmas Story and see if I can do it and stay within a realm of sanity, wish me luck. I love this movie.

I have spent my whole life building up walls. I tend to do so with the idealistic view that I am protecting the ones I love at the cost of myself. I have begun the reverse process and slowly I will tear down the walls and let you all in. I will no longer be afraid of what you think. I will no longer care if you do not approve or are not in agreement with the way I live or the way I believe. I am me and that is all I can be. Accept me for who I am or walk away. It will sadden me if you turn your back on me, but I will no longer sacrifice myself for your betterment. I feel a bit selfish in this but I also have come to realize that if someone does not want me to be me, then they are the ones who are being selfish. I will still live in a way as to try and not harm others but I will not sacrifice my own feelings for the sake of making you feel better about yourself. I love you all and I think I do my fair share of putting positive energy out into the universe, however I believe I could be a lot more positive if I allow myself to be unconditionally me.

I am finally vacating this motel room that I have called home for the past months in order to move into an apartment with friends. I believe this will help a great deal. I am scared because I want to quit smoking, and I fear failing again. I have allowed it to be a part of my being for too long, and a comfort for too long when in fact it isn’t anything that I should see as a comfort. This is something that should have changed a long while ago, but addiction allows us to keep from bettering ourselves at all corners. It is time for change. This is one of many changes that I will be working on. Granted I am not perfect and I fear the relapses as I do so. i don’t want to be grumpy towards others as I do it so I will do my best to keep myself busy. That seems to help cravings. So I intend on many new beginnings over the next few weeks.

I am creating a new life and I like where it is headed. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain and a firm friend to make oneself aware of truths we already knew, but failed to act on, due to a fear, a reluctance to face a reality that is truth.

I realize I am not typical. In many ways, in many roles, I am not the “norm”. I thank God that I am not, because I know it would only hinder me, I would have truly snapped and become permanently broken had I been a normal man. I know this. I feel this. I live this.

I have had several conversations over the past few days that I have begun the process of tearing down my walls. The others may not have realized it, but I have. I hope to continue to do so, and hope to allow myself to be more open, not vaguely, but clearly. I hope my blogs begin to make more sense to more of you as I do this as well.

I know I have a purpose, and I feel I am at the edge of it. The realization is creeping closer. The edge is near, and I can’t wait to fly free. I am reading again. I missed books, and I have found my store of choice for the interests that I now find important to learn about, to indulge, to allow myself to grow in so many ways.

Have a Happy Christmas, and I hope with the passing of the holiday season, you too will find your way to accept who you are, and allow me to see it as I hope to allow you to see me for who I am.

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king....

Can you feel it in the air? There is a storm brewing. I feel it in my soul. My body aches for a release and this storm may bring it, or another catastrophe. But I am confident now in my ability to withstand the torrential downpour. I feel that there is much to come through all of this change. The hermit emerges, but warily. This metaphysical blitz of electricity in the air, may hold a truth for you or I, but I know you are far more optimistic about the journey. I am not pessimistic about where it will lead, merely wary of each step that must be taken in order to reach the destination. It’s a good thing that I like to play in the rain, I like the gloom, the grey, I revel in the pain. It isn’t the darkness that carries me there. It is the knowledge that I have acquired over the years. This chaos is order. This order is chaos. It has become one. We cherish each other, and I know why I cherish you, but why do you cherish me? I hope it is not because of some false pretense that you read into while viewing me with walls built up. I hope you see past them to the inner core, to the place where I rarely am able to go. It’s a quiet place, peaceful, filled with the dead. But they aren’t dead. They are still here, can you see them? I see them in my waking life, walking beside me, peeking around corners. Whispers, they keep me going on. It isn’t my time, I will not make that mistake. I will continue, feeling lost, but knowing that I may need to be lost before I can find. We all are lost, but most of us sit in one spot like we should, I made the choice one day, I don’t know when, but to wander and try to find my own way. It seems like a foolhardy thing to do, but I feel it was what I needed to do in order to find myself once again. There is a storm brewing, I can feel it in my soul. My body aches for a release, and I know it is on the horizon. You feel it too. I know you do, because I can feel you too. It may come in flashes, in dreams, in empathetic tidings, but I can feel it. My life was once ruled mostly by logic, heavy facts, but the intuition has proved, what I wanted to know, it is just as real as this fleeting memory of a tiger dancing upon my chest, along with the rest of humanity. Trials are to come, I know you don’t believe me, but it is ok. I will be ready, as long as I can keep myself from being sucked into the trap that has formed, aligned against me. We don’t want them to keep us from our destiny, our work is not completed, and I feel I may have just started. I know my words are confusing, maybe a little crazy sounding, but it will be ok. You will see, I will see, we are to see, together. One more time at least. It was ok that you dismissed it. I understand why, I just want you to know- that I do understand. You sometimes don’t want to give me credit for that, which is ok, there is a need- a want to want each other to not understand. To live in a self serving denial that may act as protection against the fairly certain knowledge that we have made mistakes in the past. Those mistakes led us away from the path. But we blaze a new one to reach the end. We will be reunited and I’m at ease with that. We can’t deny the implications, but we must live with it. I am sorry if I woke you the other night I didn’t mean to, but energy is what we use it to be. When you read this, don’t deny- you know the truth, and it is alright to accept it for just what it is... This vortex, this rift, the light, we open up our hands and feel the strands of heated elements- polarized.

Last one out of Liberty City, burn it to the ground!

Where to begin? Where to end? When life becomes a circle, or an infinite figure eight, where do I start and where do I end. The story is the same, just in a different time and a different place. I like to watch movies and shows imagining that there is an infinite amount of possibilities in this universe, this reality, so I can imagine that it is real. A good way to suck myself out of this so called reality and have some enjoyment. I constantly expect to be misunderstood, that just goes along with the territory, but the part that bothers me is the lack at an attempt to understand. I usually go out of my way to understand another if I don’t think I am understanding who they are. Granted I go about it in my own way, and I suppose everyone does, but it becomes obvious over time when these things don’t happen. Ah well.

I tend to wonder if something may happen that will finally push me over the edge. Hard to imagine that something traumatic enough could occur, but I do tend to lean toward the idea of infinite possibilities, so who knows, perhaps. Not sure I want to ever go through it, but I do know my capabilities, so it would be gloriously horrible for all to endure.... I think it is a bad sign when I type that and have a most sinister laugh going off in my head.

I write to vent, and I don’t expect a response, although someday I do hope to write and have an audience, whether it is one that reads because they understand, or because they are so repulsed by it that they can do nothing but read in utter disgust... either way I would be fairly satisfied. I mean, what else am I going to do? Something productive and useful? Yeah, not likely.... which is slightly depressing- but again I always see it as not pessimism but realism. Just being realistic. Not that I’m entirely lazy, mostly just unmotivated. It’s an odd notion to believe that you could save the world, but really don’t care to as they seem to have no real interest in saving themselves.... Egotistical perhaps, just what I think, but what I think doesn’t really matter in this at all, or does it? Pretty sure this won’t be read with any serious intent anyway, so who cares?

I need a new tattoo, and I feel it is coming soon.

I want to watch it all burn. Such a negative image, but I think some good could come out of it. I just want someone to with which to watch it all burn.

Blue October- She’s My Ride Home:

We talked
Together sharpening a knife
Like killing partners for a life
Hey we can hide the bodies on the ride home

Now here we are
We're licking skin to wipe us clean
Strike a match, pour gasoline
Ditch the scene and watch this city burn
Sleep, my lap will be a pillow
Steering wheel turn

I'll be reaching for the stars with you (honey)
Who cares, no one else believes
So I, set fire to everyone around
But I told you
I told you we'd do it

So ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha
Yeah we won

We Drive
To leave the past and clear the mind
to watch the sunset set its time
I swear you'll find
I'm your ride home

Now close your eyes
its' getting dark and the highways clear
No sign of life from front to rear
Its just you my dear
On the ride home
We're going home

I'll be reaching for the stars with you (honey)
Who cares, no one else believes
So I, set fire to everyone around
But I told you
I told you we'd do it


So ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha
Yeah we won

We talked
Together sharpening a knife
Like killing partners for a life
Hey we can hide the bodies on the ride home
Cause we're going home

I'll be reaching for the stars with you (honey)
Who cares if no one else believes
So I, set fire to everyone around
But I told you
I told you we'd do it


So ha ha ha ha (we won)
ha ha ha ha (oh yeah we won)
ha ha ha ha (we won)
ha ha ha ha
Yeah we won
Yeah we won

This comes at a cost, but I will pay

I try to open up. But even as I write this I know I will hold back enough to keep my life vague. I know I have spoken of this before, and yet I am never pushed to reveal more so I don’t... Which is alright with me. I do wish I had more people who I could open completely to. I can honestly say that there is perhaps only one person I can be completely open and candid with, and several who come pretty close- however I still hold some things back with them. I disappoint myself with this. I still allow some sort of fear to control how I am, but I do feel in a way it is sparing others, and for that I will be that way. Call it some sort of martyr or savior complex, but I’d rather endure the greatest pain than knowingly hurt others who mean me no harm.

There is hope I suppose, but I’m not sure what you would really call it. It’s not so much hope as it is a distinct knowledge that regardless of this life, I have death to look forward to. I know that it is slightly morbid, but I do look forward to death, not so much that I want it now, more so that I know when it comes I will go willingly and will greet Death as a friend taking me to a better life. There is no way to describe it, not in my language.

Christmas is right around the corner, and for me it doesn’t bring joy. I don’t think I can truly find joy in it alone. I attempt to watch the movies, and I want to make it through, but alone I am not strong enough, so I watch a couple minutes and change the channel. I miss that, I miss enjoying the holiday. It goes without saying why, and I miss him so much, these are the days where I truly miss the happiness. How much I miss him, I really want him in my arms. I wish for dreams where I am visited by him. Tears don’t help, they just make the night worse. As much as others know about it all, there is no connection yet, some relate on a parallel feeling, but few really relate, and that just brings and awkward pity. I know I can be happy again, but I know that I need to accept several ideas first.

I must accept that in order for me to be happy, I must give in. I must give up the grand ideas and accept life for what it is- not to say great things won’t or can’t happen, merely they must not be the basis for what I do. I write because it comes out. If I could draw it would be through that, but this is how the intangible becomes somewhat tangible. I bear my soul to you. It is yours to take, a piece given freely. I don’t know what you do with it if you accept it, and I guess in a way I am ok with that, or at least I need to become ok with that. I need to accept that I may never know . I know people read this, I know you are reading this, but I may never know more than just that. I just wonder if anyone really wants to have me open completely to them. and be able to do so without casting a judgmental eye upon me. I won’t judge you.

I also need to do this for me, live my life for me, so that it may be for others when the time comes. What good am I to someone else if I am not whole, if I am broken.

I am two in one, sinner and saint, a dual personality, polar opposites that clash, and yet I maintain a fairly normal appearance to the world around me. How many of my coworkers can see beyond what I allow them to see? How many people that I interact with can see beyond the wall? I have built it quite well if I do say so myself, however I have made it in such a way that it is now difficult for me to breakthrough it myself.

I see the pain around me, I feel it, and it just breaks me more. It makes me forget about my own troubles, which is half a blessing, but I am not forward enough to do anything about it, or perhaps I am, but I just am not taken seriously. Maybe my words are just taken like everyone else’s. those words that come out in an attempt to be genuine but are taken as the normal pity words that I’ve heard before, before the trauma was so much that no one could really say it without being genuine. It makes me laugh to think that sometimes someone may not be genuine about it, I truly pity them. It’s funny what parts of my own personality I have in complete control and which parts are running naked through the woods.

You make me smile, and I thank you for that. You may never know it, because I don’t feel I can interfere. I do believe in past values, and yet I cannot believe in certain institutions any more. They failed us, as we failed them. A promise means nothing anymore, and so we see so much more mistrust, with good reason. It’s a spiraling and constant and will never end. it will end, but hopefully the end I see will not be the end we all see.

I wish we knew each other better. But how do I do this without being... creepy LOL. That’s the only way I see it. I can readily see connections around me, threads connecting us all, and the potential of those threads. I have an intuition that I have begun to truly trust. I have an empathy, that I am truly beginning to feel. Its odd and slightly uncomfortable, but I think it will motivate me to make these betterment changes.

If I make you smile, let me know, it lets me know that I have a purpose other than the constant drawing in of negative energy. If I can let others feel a positive feeling, it becomes worth it to me, any day of the week. It is encouraging. I’m a story of survival, but I want to be a story of living, once again.

This song is relevant to what I’ve been feeling today, although I know I am a burden sometimes, I carry one for you that you don’t realize, and I do so willingly and proudly... as the past has shown, this back is stronger than most, these shoulders can bear a burden greater than most are willing to try, so lay your burdens upon me, as I will not break... I may stumble under the weight and slow for a moment or two, but I continue onward, toward a goal, different with each weight added.

Blue October- Overweight:

ever carried the weight of another?
for how long?
or walk as far as they need to recover?
for how long?

i want to carry a piece of who i was before
so when i hit the wall i really hit the wall ( excuse me )
i want to tear away the death again
a whiter shade of fucking meth again
i want to stick to clues
i want to come unglued
i want to shape the world to fit the way you move
oh should i listened for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up do you remember me?
i showed up and so what if i'm the used to be
i'm here to tell you that i’m sorry i was sorry
but i’m happy that you're happy this is no longer about me
trade roles, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
let him be there through your beautiful cries
let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
and live your life just like a dream without the pain of goodbyes
goodbye!

ever carried the weight of another?
for how long?
or walk as far as they need to recover?
for how long?

i’ve been a drunk, disrespectful little street punk
unlock the back of my trunk, you see now take this bat
and bash my head into the street again ( street again )
no ones around so i keep beating it
I pull my hair back and look me in the eye
there’s a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
it's the guilt of what reality has given me
making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity

when you're sick you seem to think you failed eternally
and that the people you let in are only crumbling
when you feel sick of faking life and this recovery
when my decisions paved the road that lies in front of me
so to the friends that even call that i don’t call back
i hold you deep inside my heart upon a hill
it seems to hide sometimes to run away and wonder
i’m really sick of saying sorry but i will

ever carried the weight of another?
for how long? ( Where were you? where were you? )
or walk as far as they need to recover?
for how long? ( Where will you be ? )

You're we scared to take the ride?
or dare to get inside...
i’m floating farther away
floating far away
floating far away... letting go

i wanna learn to walk with others as an equal
i wanna treat the ones who love me with respect
i wanna tell the world i’ll give them all a piggy back
and try to to take away my negative affect
i wanna kiss a girl and know i'll never lie again
i wanna call my dad and tell him that i care
i wanna let my brother know he saved my life
a thousand times throughout the years
he's been the friend who's always there...

floating far away
floating far away
i'm floating far away.....letting go

I have to be

I have to be me, to be free, to go willingly, to be content with what I have or reach out and take what I want. I need to be reminded of what is to come, and what has already been. I could fall head over heels for you, but I have to contain the risk involved. There is not much in this world that I can be content with right now, and I wonder if that is a flaw or not. I can see how it could be either way. I have gone a large part of my life allowing others to think they have some control in my life, but there are a few that know that this is a farce that I have allowed others to believe. Do you think you have any real say in my life, or do you think I may just be appeasing you to allow my life to feel smoother for the time being. Just keep in mind that you don't control me, I maintain the way I live to try and fit somewhat into this society, although I do not belong to it. I never really have. We can look back on the past and see that the universe had more in store for me. I'm not trying to be arrogant about this, I fight it every way I can, and yet I survive. Surviving what I have makes me wonder how there could not be a greater purpose to it all. I have had to live and learn a life that no one should ever have to live, not in our society, and yet I know there are those who still have it worse. I do feel badly for them; I'm not heartless. But my level of giving a shit has reached an all time low. Not to say I don't care about people, I do. However, the bullshit that goes along with this life has pushed and pushed me, and there are those who have instigated it, and well... there is a time and place for you. I can only be pushed so far before I go doing something crazy. I think a lot of people who know me admire some of my personal qualities by mistaking self-control for something for idealistic. I am not a saint, nor will I ever be. I merely show self-control to a point that others do not know that I am holding something back, that I am restraining myself from its natural responses. No one has had to see the extent of my wrath and I am thankful that I do have the self control that I have, although it is more of a displacement, I merely turn the feelings inward and inflict upon myself, my psyche, a torture that I would rather have others endure, but alas I decided that I need to be a better person. If this spiritual/mental self mutilation is the way to do that, then I will continue. I don't want you to feel my pain, nor do I really want to feel yours. Most people don't believe in what I am anyway, so they will never understand that I don't always have a choice. Its nice to say that we always have a choice, sure we do, however, how long can I deny myself before the dam breaks? I used to want people to read my writing and ask about it, to try and understand it, and to understand me; I'm glad no one really has- occasionally someone may, but for the most part no one does; I'm glad now. It makes my decisions a lot easier, it allows me to feel freely, to not worry about becoming too close to another. Thats the real fear, not so much the rejection- I'm used to that, more so the intimacy that could occur. I don't know how I would react if I did find someone who truly wanted me to open completely to them and not only accepted what I am but embraced it. That in itself is a scary notion. Its also an odd conclusion to finally come to, but things have a way of working themselves out. I can't say I wouldn't allow the opportunity, I just fear what the results would be. so I leave you with a poem I've posted before, one of my favorites mainly because I think it was the closest I have come to allowing what is inside to come out without censoring it too much, not the language but the ideas, the feelings:


I am a warrior; I want to see blood pour from the veins of this world; I am a soldier, I fight and fight and watch the backs of those who will fight beside me; I am a protector, a defender, a knight in beaten and bloody armor, I have no fear of death, for death cannot conquer me; I have carved myself with razors, burned my flesh with red hot metal, I am tattooed, scarred and worse inside. I have been beaten, broken, tortured and maimed; I am a warrior; the blood that flows through me is that of kings, revolutionaries, Vikings, pirates, thieves, witches, wolves and bears, shape shifters, therianthropes, berserkers, soldiers, sinners, and gods; I have tasted wine, blood, flesh, and defeat; my name is Invictus, Aequitas, Veritas, War, Famine, Plague, and Love; I fight against powers that human eyes do not see, and human powers fight against me; I am diseased, disturbed, disoriented, diligent, and indestructible; I am a wall, a fortress, a hiding place, a dungeon, and the gallows; I have no mercy, but am merciful; I am infuriated by men and destroyed by women; I have created life and carried death; I am pure and tainted; I am courage and hope, suffering and dismay; I am the cure you look for, but you don't believe me when I say it is free; I go wanting when I can freely take; I am humble and conceited, honorable and deceitful, poison and flame; I am free from Fate's bondage, and wander in desperation because of it; I am navigator, leader, guide; I am hunter, tracker, ranger, and mage; I am wisdom and foolishness; My eyes see what you try to hide, and that makes me ache inside; I am a poet, a scholar, a man on the street; I am homeless because no home will have an untamed beast; I am animalistic inside, primal, and naturally proud; I am chained in self denial, and you hold the key; my weapons are of fire, steel, and magic, but my love can destroy quicker than they can, any day; I sing freely, out of tune, but my battle song inspires the weakest to take up arms and surge forward in this life; At night I am guided by stars and angels alike; I am a warrior; I am a lunatic, fanatic, zealot and enraged; I am the creature that lurks in the shadows, I am the bogeyman, I am temptation; I am noble and poor; my mind is broken and bored; my eyes are piercing and the softest blue; my hands are Fire; I listen intently to every sound and whisper that you try to slide by; I am whole and shattered; coarse and plain; soft and blistered; immune to pain; I breathed fire and smoke, and ingested alternate worlds; I have traveled through time and space at impossible speeds; I am destroyer of kingdoms, and doer of deeds; I have ridden horses and whores, I am Frankenstein's monster, and have slain the son of Dracul; I am Harald I, Warg, Lycaon, Thiess; I am Beorn; I am dragon and devil sin and lust; I am creature and human, shallow, unjust; I am careless and free, flying on winds; I am lightning and thunder, and wolves in the mists; I am behind you watching when you cannot see; I am constantly guiding so you may be free; I am stripped and exposed, naked, but unashamed of flawed victory; I am trapped in containers, boxes and rooms; As this universe spirals out of control I laugh for they bound my hands; I am the orphan, the widow begging for food; I am vigilante, assassin, ninja and Hook; I am creator of horror, terror, drinker of blood; I am parasitic and feeding, crawling in mud; I am magician and liar, hoax and fraud; hero and villain, awaiting applause; I am a warrior, gladiator, samurai, awaiting the day this body dies; I hold the torch that lights the dark; I am an artist whose muse is deceased; I am an elf-lord disguised in a troll's surmise; I am shrouded in a mystery that you can unravel; I am a man, a child, a boy; I am the only hope, I am the joy; I am the glimmer, the shining the hope; I am the saving grace, the one way to cope; I am the future, destroyed by the past, I am the one remaining, I am the last; I am the prophet the tongues filled with flame, I am the chosen one, the dealer of pain; I am the warrior statue of marble; cracked through the ages, but outlasting the marvels of emperors and kings; I am the timeless tune that never leaves your head; I am the shopping mall, filled with the living dead; I am the cancer ward that plays the waiting room; I am the needle that carries numbness; I am depravity; I am greed; I am lust, sloth and on what gluttony feeds; I am the Rosetta Stone, the pyramids, the desert and sea; I am Atlantis, technology's belief; I am the universe spinning out of control; I am the hopeful dreamer wishing on a Star; I am the fear that we are all alone; I am a warrior, a soul without a home.

This reality doesn't match up to the one in my head

I guess no one leads the life they expected. I kind of thought my life would be a bit different, go figure. I guess I thought not about the events but who I would be, how I would be. This is not quite how I saw myself. I realize most see me in a different light than what I actually am. This is my fault, as I built walls from a very early age, and I have kept them up for so long that i don't realize I am keeping myself locked inside, just as much as I am keeping you out. If there was a sign of an interest to really be let in, I would surely do so, as I am ready and willing. But our reality will probably never allow it. Or I will blind myself to it and hold myself back, as I have done in the past. I want to sit in a field looking up at the vastness of the universe, listening to music that has meaning, to you or I, and just be in a moment. I just want moments now, and maybe a nice string of them that are deeply connected and may form true memories, true desires fulfilled. What are your desires? what do you want? Can I give that to you? Would you even allow me to? Of course that presumes you would want me to, but maybe, just maybe you will read this and say, I'll take a small chance, a small chance that may result in greatness, or a small chance that You may feel humiliated, although I would never do that intentionally. Not for this, not for any of this. I want to feel the universe pulsing through my being, but I want to feel it at your touch, your glance, that chance.