Alifelessevident

You can't handle the truth

2011-01-07T01:11:00.000-08:00

So I have a lot of things planned for the next few weeks- creatively speaking. Some will alter a lot of how I have been doing things, and some will alter life as we know it. I feel badly, as some of the things may affect friendships, but I don't like to be put in a position where one friend may dictate who I may be friends with for whatever reason, or give me crap because of another friendship. You don't have a right to judge, but if you decide to bring your judging eyes gazing my way, expect to have a mirror flashed before your eyes. It is how it will be, and I am not taking t any more. I don't like it, but it has been unleashed and will slowly gain momentum. I haven't smoked in nine days and I think that has something to do with it. I used it as a crutch, asa tool to inflict some suppressing self loathing, slow self mutilating angst against myself in order to keep most of this in, but I haven't craved a cigarette, merely craved the ability to unleashed what I've been penting up for so long. I love you but don't fuck with me. I now beleive I have the right to be happy, and I know I can be. Although I still fear some of the risks, I will start slowly stepping toward the edge of that cliff, it's time to jump. There is only now, if there is anything

Scott Farcas Takes It On The Chin

2010-12-24T23:29:00.001-08:00

I will make it today. I will make it today, I will make it today. I must return to being able to enjoy the things I did before, and I must be able to do so without feeling guilty. I miss Andrew, and today is not the same without him, but I know he would want his dad to be happy. I know he is with me in spirit. I hope you all have a Happy Christmas. I want you all to be safe and be happy. I am going to watch A Christmas Story and see if I can do it and stay within a realm of sanity, wish me luck. I love this movie.

I have spent my whole life building up walls. I tend to do so with the idealistic view that I am protecting the ones I love at the cost of myself. I have begun the reverse process and slowly I will tear down the walls and let you all in. I will no longer be afraid of what you think. I will no longer care if you do not approve or are not in agreement with the way I live or the way I believe. I am me and that is all I can be. Accept me for who I am or walk away. It will sadden me if you turn your back on me, but I will no longer sacrifice myself for your betterment. I feel a bit selfish in this but I also have come to realize that if someone does not want me to be me, then they are the ones who are being selfish. I will still live in a way as to try and not harm others but I will not sacrifice my own feelings for the sake of making you feel better about yourself. I love you all and I think I do my fair share of putting positive energy out into the universe, however I believe I could be a lot more positive if I allow myself to be unconditionally me.

I am finally vacating this motel room that I have called home for the past months in order to move into an apartment with friends. I believe this will help a great deal. I am scared because I want to quit smoking, and I fear failing again. I have allowed it to be a part of my being for too long, and a comfort for too long when in fact it isn’t anything that I should see as a comfort. This is something that should have changed a long while ago, but addiction allows us to keep from bettering ourselves at all corners. It is time for change. This is one of many changes that I will be working on. Granted I am not perfect and I fear the relapses as I do so. i don’t want to be grumpy towards others as I do it so I will do my best to keep myself busy. That seems to help cravings. So I intend on many new beginnings over the next few weeks.

I am creating a new life and I like where it is headed. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain and a firm friend to make oneself aware of truths we already knew, but failed to act on, due to a fear, a reluctance to face a reality that is truth.

I realize I am not typical. In many ways, in many roles, I am not the “norm”. I thank God that I am not, because I know it would only hinder me, I would have truly snapped and become permanently broken had I been a normal man. I know this. I feel this. I live this.

I have had several conversations over the past few days that I have begun the process of tearing down my walls. The others may not have realized it, but I have. I hope to continue to do so, and hope to allow myself to be more open, not vaguely, but clearly. I hope my blogs begin to make more sense to more of you as I do this as well.

I know I have a purpose, and I feel I am at the edge of it. The realization is creeping closer. The edge is near, and I can’t wait to fly free. I am reading again. I missed books, and I have found my store of choice for the interests that I now find important to learn about, to indulge, to allow myself to grow in so many ways.

Have a Happy Christmas, and I hope with the passing of the holiday season, you too will find your way to accept who you are, and allow me to see it as I hope to allow you to see me for who I am.

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king....

2010-12-21T01:08:00.000-08:00

Can you feel it in the air? There is a storm brewing. I feel it in my soul. My body aches for a release and this storm may bring it, or another catastrophe. But I am confident now in my ability to withstand the torrential downpour. I feel that there is much to come through all of this change. The hermit emerges, but warily. This metaphysical blitz of electricity in the air, may hold a truth for you or I, but I know you are far more optimistic about the journey. I am not pessimistic about where it will lead, merely wary of each step that must be taken in order to reach the destination. It’s a good thing that I like to play in the rain, I like the gloom, the grey, I revel in the pain. It isn’t the darkness that carries me there. It is the knowledge that I have acquired over the years. This chaos is order. This order is chaos. It has become one. We cherish each other, and I know why I cherish you, but why do you cherish me? I hope it is not because of some false pretense that you read into while viewing me with walls built up. I hope you see past them to the inner core, to the place where I rarely am able to go. It’s a quiet place, peaceful, filled with the dead. But they aren’t dead. They are still here, can you see them? I see them in my waking life, walking beside me, peeking around corners. Whispers, they keep me going on. It isn’t my time, I will not make that mistake. I will continue, feeling lost, but knowing that I may need to be lost before I can find. We all are lost, but most of us sit in one spot like we should, I made the choice one day, I don’t know when, but to wander and try to find my own way. It seems like a foolhardy thing to do, but I feel it was what I needed to do in order to find myself once again. There is a storm brewing, I can feel it in my soul. My body aches for a release, and I know it is on the horizon. You feel it too. I know you do, because I can feel you too. It may come in flashes, in dreams, in empathetic tidings, but I can feel it. My life was once ruled mostly by logic, heavy facts, but the intuition has proved, what I wanted to know, it is just as real as this fleeting memory of a tiger dancing upon my chest, along with the rest of humanity. Trials are to come, I know you don’t believe me, but it is ok. I will be ready, as long as I can keep myself from being sucked into the trap that has formed, aligned against me. We don’t want them to keep us from our destiny, our work is not completed, and I feel I may have just started. I know my words are confusing, maybe a little crazy sounding, but it will be ok. You will see, I will see, we are to see, together. One more time at least. It was ok that you dismissed it. I understand why, I just want you to know- that I do understand. You sometimes don’t want to give me credit for that, which is ok, there is a need- a want to want each other to not understand. To live in a self serving denial that may act as protection against the fairly certain knowledge that we have made mistakes in the past. Those mistakes led us away from the path. But we blaze a new one to reach the end. We will be reunited and I’m at ease with that. We can’t deny the implications, but we must live with it. I am sorry if I woke you the other night I didn’t mean to, but energy is what we use it to be. When you read this, don’t deny- you know the truth, and it is alright to accept it for just what it is... This vortex, this rift, the light, we open up our hands and feel the strands of heated elements- polarized.

Last one out of Liberty City, burn it to the ground!

2010-12-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

Where to begin? Where to end? When life becomes a circle, or an infinite figure eight, where do I start and where do I end. The story is the same, just in a different time and a different place. I like to watch movies and shows imagining that there is an infinite amount of possibilities in this universe, this reality, so I can imagine that it is real. A good way to suck myself out of this so called reality and have some enjoyment. I constantly expect to be misunderstood, that just goes along with the territory, but the part that bothers me is the lack at an attempt to understand. I usually go out of my way to understand another if I don’t think I am understanding who they are. Granted I go about it in my own way, and I suppose everyone does, but it becomes obvious over time when these things don’t happen. Ah well.

I tend to wonder if something may happen that will finally push me over the edge. Hard to imagine that something traumatic enough could occur, but I do tend to lean toward the idea of infinite possibilities, so who knows, perhaps. Not sure I want to ever go through it, but I do know my capabilities, so it would be gloriously horrible for all to endure.... I think it is a bad sign when I type that and have a most sinister laugh going off in my head.

I write to vent, and I don’t expect a response, although someday I do hope to write and have an audience, whether it is one that reads because they understand, or because they are so repulsed by it that they can do nothing but read in utter disgust... either way I would be fairly satisfied. I mean, what else am I going to do? Something productive and useful? Yeah, not likely.... which is slightly depressing- but again I always see it as not pessimism but realism. Just being realistic. Not that I’m entirely lazy, mostly just unmotivated. It’s an odd notion to believe that you could save the world, but really don’t care to as they seem to have no real interest in saving themselves.... Egotistical perhaps, just what I think, but what I think doesn’t really matter in this at all, or does it? Pretty sure this won’t be read with any serious intent anyway, so who cares?

I need a new tattoo, and I feel it is coming soon.

I want to watch it all burn. Such a negative image, but I think some good could come out of it. I just want someone to with which to watch it all burn.

Blue October- She’s My Ride Home:

We talked
Together sharpening a knife
Like killing partners for a life
Hey we can hide the bodies on the ride home

Now here we are
We're licking skin to wipe us clean
Strike a match, pour gasoline
Ditch the scene and watch this city burn
Sleep, my lap will be a pillow
Steering wheel turn

I'll be reaching for the stars with you (honey)
Who cares, no one else believes
So I, set fire to everyone around
But I told you
I told you we'd do it

So ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha
Yeah we won

We Drive
To leave the past and clear the mind
to watch the sunset set its time
I swear you'll find
I'm your ride home

Now close your eyes
its' getting dark and the highways clear
No sign of life from front to rear
Its just you my dear
On the ride home
We're going home

I'll be reaching for the stars with you (honey)
Who cares, no one else believes
So I, set fire to everyone around
But I told you
I told you we'd do it

So ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha
Yeah we won

We talked
Together sharpening a knife
Like killing partners for a life
Hey we can hide the bodies on the ride home
Cause we're going home

I'll be reaching for the stars with you (honey)
Who cares if no one else believes
So I, set fire to everyone around
But I told you
I told you we'd do it

So ha ha ha ha (we won)
ha ha ha ha (oh yeah we won)
ha ha ha ha (we won)
ha ha ha ha
Yeah we won
Yeah we won

This comes at a cost, but I will pay

2010-12-17T01:41:00.000-08:00

I try to open up. But even as I write this I know I will hold back enough to keep my life vague. I know I have spoken of this before, and yet I am never pushed to reveal more so I don’t... Which is alright with me. I do wish I had more people who I could open completely to. I can honestly say that there is perhaps only one person I can be completely open and candid with, and several who come pretty close- however I still hold some things back with them. I disappoint myself with this. I still allow some sort of fear to control how I am, but I do feel in a way it is sparing others, and for that I will be that way. Call it some sort of martyr or savior complex, but I’d rather endure the greatest pain than knowingly hurt others who mean me no harm.

There is hope I suppose, but I’m not sure what you would really call it. It’s not so much hope as it is a distinct knowledge that regardless of this life, I have death to look forward to. I know that it is slightly morbid, but I do look forward to death, not so much that I want it now, more so that I know when it comes I will go willingly and will greet Death as a friend taking me to a better life. There is no way to describe it, not in my language.

Christmas is right around the corner, and for me it doesn’t bring joy. I don’t think I can truly find joy in it alone. I attempt to watch the movies, and I want to make it through, but alone I am not strong enough, so I watch a couple minutes and change the channel. I miss that, I miss enjoying the holiday. It goes without saying why, and I miss him so much, these are the days where I truly miss the happiness. How much I miss him, I really want him in my arms. I wish for dreams where I am visited by him. Tears don’t help, they just make the night worse. As much as others know about it all, there is no connection yet, some relate on a parallel feeling, but few really relate, and that just brings and awkward pity. I know I can be happy again, but I know that I need to accept several ideas first.

I must accept that in order for me to be happy, I must give in. I must give up the grand ideas and accept life for what it is- not to say great things won’t or can’t happen, merely they must not be the basis for what I do. I write because it comes out. If I could draw it would be through that, but this is how the intangible becomes somewhat tangible. I bear my soul to you. It is yours to take, a piece given freely. I don’t know what you do with it if you accept it, and I guess in a way I am ok with that, or at least I need to become ok with that. I need to accept that I may never know . I know people read this, I know you are reading this, but I may never know more than just that. I just wonder if anyone really wants to have me open completely to them. and be able to do so without casting a judgmental eye upon me. I won’t judge you.

I also need to do this for me, live my life for me, so that it may be for others when the time comes. What good am I to someone else if I am not whole, if I am broken.

I am two in one, sinner and saint, a dual personality, polar opposites that clash, and yet I maintain a fairly normal appearance to the world around me. How many of my coworkers can see beyond what I allow them to see? How many people that I interact with can see beyond the wall? I have built it quite well if I do say so myself, however I have made it in such a way that it is now difficult for me to breakthrough it myself.

I see the pain around me, I feel it, and it just breaks me more. It makes me forget about my own troubles, which is half a blessing, but I am not forward enough to do anything about it, or perhaps I am, but I just am not taken seriously. Maybe my words are just taken like everyone else’s. those words that come out in an attempt to be genuine but are taken as the normal pity words that I’ve heard before, before the trauma was so much that no one could really say it without being genuine. It makes me laugh to think that sometimes someone may not be genuine about it, I truly pity them. It’s funny what parts of my own personality I have in complete control and which parts are running naked through the woods.

You make me smile, and I thank you for that. You may never know it, because I don’t feel I can interfere. I do believe in past values, and yet I cannot believe in certain institutions any more. They failed us, as we failed them. A promise means nothing anymore, and so we see so much more mistrust, with good reason. It’s a spiraling and constant and will never end. it will end, but hopefully the end I see will not be the end we all see.

I wish we knew each other better. But how do I do this without being... creepy LOL. That’s the only way I see it. I can readily see connections around me, threads connecting us all, and the potential of those threads. I have an intuition that I have begun to truly trust. I have an empathy, that I am truly beginning to feel. Its odd and slightly uncomfortable, but I think it will motivate me to make these betterment changes.

If I make you smile, let me know, it lets me know that I have a purpose other than the constant drawing in of negative energy. If I can let others feel a positive feeling, it becomes worth it to me, any day of the week. It is encouraging. I’m a story of survival, but I want to be a story of living, once again.

This song is relevant to what I’ve been feeling today, although I know I am a burden sometimes, I carry one for you that you don’t realize, and I do so willingly and proudly... as the past has shown, this back is stronger than most, these shoulders can bear a burden greater than most are willing to try, so lay your burdens upon me, as I will not break... I may stumble under the weight and slow for a moment or two, but I continue onward, toward a goal, different with each weight added.

Blue October- Overweight:

ever carried the weight of another?
for how long?
or walk as far as they need to recover?
for how long?

i want to carry a piece of who i was before
so when i hit the wall i really hit the wall ( excuse me )
i want to tear away the death again
a whiter shade of fucking meth again
i want to stick to clues
i want to come unglued
i want to shape the world to fit the way you move
oh should i listened for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up do you remember me?
i showed up and so what if i'm the used to be
i'm here to tell you that i’m sorry i was sorry
but i’m happy that you're happy this is no longer about me
trade roles, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
let him be there through your beautiful cries
let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
and live your life just like a dream without the pain of goodbyes
goodbye!

ever carried the weight of another?
for how long?
or walk as far as they need to recover?
for how long?

i’ve been a drunk, disrespectful little street punk
unlock the back of my trunk, you see now take this bat
and bash my head into the street again ( street again )
no ones around so i keep beating it
I pull my hair back and look me in the eye
there’s a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
it's the guilt of what reality has given me
making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity

when you're sick you seem to think you failed eternally
and that the people you let in are only crumbling
when you feel sick of faking life and this recovery
when my decisions paved the road that lies in front of me
so to the friends that even call that i don’t call back
i hold you deep inside my heart upon a hill
it seems to hide sometimes to run away and wonder
i’m really sick of saying sorry but i will

ever carried the weight of another?
for how long? ( Where were you? where were you? )
or walk as far as they need to recover?
for how long? ( Where will you be ? )

You're we scared to take the ride?
or dare to get inside...
i’m floating farther away
floating far away
floating far away... letting go

i wanna learn to walk with others as an equal
i wanna treat the ones who love me with respect
i wanna tell the world i’ll give them all a piggy back
and try to to take away my negative affect
i wanna kiss a girl and know i'll never lie again
i wanna call my dad and tell him that i care
i wanna let my brother know he saved my life
a thousand times throughout the years
he's been the friend who's always there...

floating far away
floating far away
i'm floating far away.....letting go

I have to be

2010-12-09T01:15:00.000-08:00

I have to be me, to be free, to go willingly, to be content with what I have or reach out and take what I want. I need to be reminded of what is to come, and what has already been. I could fall head over heels for you, but I have to contain the risk involved. There is not much in this world that I can be content with right now, and I wonder if that is a flaw or not. I can see how it could be either way. I have gone a large part of my life allowing others to think they have some control in my life, but there are a few that know that this is a farce that I have allowed others to believe. Do you think you have any real say in my life, or do you think I may just be appeasing you to allow my life to feel smoother for the time being. Just keep in mind that you don't control me, I maintain the way I live to try and fit somewhat into this society, although I do not belong to it. I never really have. We can look back on the past and see that the universe had more in store for me. I'm not trying to be arrogant about this, I fight it every way I can, and yet I survive. Surviving what I have makes me wonder how there could not be a greater purpose to it all. I have had to live and learn a life that no one should ever have to live, not in our society, and yet I know there are those who still have it worse. I do feel badly for them; I'm not heartless. But my level of giving a shit has reached an all time low. Not to say I don't care about people, I do. However, the bullshit that goes along with this life has pushed and pushed me, and there are those who have instigated it, and well... there is a time and place for you. I can only be pushed so far before I go doing something crazy. I think a lot of people who know me admire some of my personal qualities by mistaking self-control for something for idealistic. I am not a saint, nor will I ever be. I merely show self-control to a point that others do not know that I am holding something back, that I am restraining myself from its natural responses. No one has had to see the extent of my wrath and I am thankful that I do have the self control that I have, although it is more of a displacement, I merely turn the feelings inward and inflict upon myself, my psyche, a torture that I would rather have others endure, but alas I decided that I need to be a better person. If this spiritual/mental self mutilation is the way to do that, then I will continue. I don't want you to feel my pain, nor do I really want to feel yours. Most people don't believe in what I am anyway, so they will never understand that I don't always have a choice. Its nice to say that we always have a choice, sure we do, however, how long can I deny myself before the dam breaks? I used to want people to read my writing and ask about it, to try and understand it, and to understand me; I'm glad no one really has- occasionally someone may, but for the most part no one does; I'm glad now. It makes my decisions a lot easier, it allows me to feel freely, to not worry about becoming too close to another. Thats the real fear, not so much the rejection- I'm used to that, more so the intimacy that could occur. I don't know how I would react if I did find someone who truly wanted me to open completely to them and not only accepted what I am but embraced it. That in itself is a scary notion. Its also an odd conclusion to finally come to, but things have a way of working themselves out. I can't say I wouldn't allow the opportunity, I just fear what the results would be. so I leave you with a poem I've posted before, one of my favorites mainly because I think it was the closest I have come to allowing what is inside to come out without censoring it too much, not the language but the ideas, the feelings:

I am a warrior; I want to see blood pour from the veins of this world; I am a soldier, I fight and fight and watch the backs of those who will fight beside me; I am a protector, a defender, a knight in beaten and bloody armor, I have no fear of death, for death cannot conquer me; I have carved myself with razors, burned my flesh with red hot metal, I am tattooed, scarred and worse inside. I have been beaten, broken, tortured and maimed; I am a warrior; the blood that flows through me is that of kings, revolutionaries, Vikings, pirates, thieves, witches, wolves and bears, shape shifters, therianthropes, berserkers, soldiers, sinners, and gods; I have tasted wine, blood, flesh, and defeat; my name is Invictus, Aequitas, Veritas, War, Famine, Plague, and Love; I fight against powers that human eyes do not see, and human powers fight against me; I am diseased, disturbed, disoriented, diligent, and indestructible; I am a wall, a fortress, a hiding place, a dungeon, and the gallows; I have no mercy, but am merciful; I am infuriated by men and destroyed by women; I have created life and carried death; I am pure and tainted; I am courage and hope, suffering and dismay; I am the cure you look for, but you don't believe me when I say it is free; I go wanting when I can freely take; I am humble and conceited, honorable and deceitful, poison and flame; I am free from Fate's bondage, and wander in desperation because of it; I am navigator, leader, guide; I am hunter, tracker, ranger, and mage; I am wisdom and foolishness; My eyes see what you try to hide, and that makes me ache inside; I am a poet, a scholar, a man on the street; I am homeless because no home will have an untamed beast; I am animalistic inside, primal, and naturally proud; I am chained in self denial, and you hold the key; my weapons are of fire, steel, and magic, but my love can destroy quicker than they can, any day; I sing freely, out of tune, but my battle song inspires the weakest to take up arms and surge forward in this life; At night I am guided by stars and angels alike; I am a warrior; I am a lunatic, fanatic, zealot and enraged; I am the creature that lurks in the shadows, I am the bogeyman, I am temptation; I am noble and poor; my mind is broken and bored; my eyes are piercing and the softest blue; my hands are Fire; I listen intently to every sound and whisper that you try to slide by; I am whole and shattered; coarse and plain; soft and blistered; immune to pain; I breathed fire and smoke, and ingested alternate worlds; I have traveled through time and space at impossible speeds; I am destroyer of kingdoms, and doer of deeds; I have ridden horses and whores, I am Frankenstein's monster, and have slain the son of Dracul; I am Harald I, Warg, Lycaon, Thiess; I am Beorn; I am dragon and devil sin and lust; I am creature and human, shallow, unjust; I am careless and free, flying on winds; I am lightning and thunder, and wolves in the mists; I am behind you watching when you cannot see; I am constantly guiding so you may be free; I am stripped and exposed, naked, but unashamed of flawed victory; I am trapped in containers, boxes and rooms; As this universe spirals out of control I laugh for they bound my hands; I am the orphan, the widow begging for food; I am vigilante, assassin, ninja and Hook; I am creator of horror, terror, drinker of blood; I am parasitic and feeding, crawling in mud; I am magician and liar, hoax and fraud; hero and villain, awaiting applause; I am a warrior, gladiator, samurai, awaiting the day this body dies; I hold the torch that lights the dark; I am an artist whose muse is deceased; I am an elf-lord disguised in a troll's surmise; I am shrouded in a mystery that you can unravel; I am a man, a child, a boy; I am the only hope, I am the joy; I am the glimmer, the shining the hope; I am the saving grace, the one way to cope; I am the future, destroyed by the past, I am the one remaining, I am the last; I am the prophet the tongues filled with flame, I am the chosen one, the dealer of pain; I am the warrior statue of marble; cracked through the ages, but outlasting the marvels of emperors and kings; I am the timeless tune that never leaves your head; I am the shopping mall, filled with the living dead; I am the cancer ward that plays the waiting room; I am the needle that carries numbness; I am depravity; I am greed; I am lust, sloth and on what gluttony feeds; I am the Rosetta Stone, the pyramids, the desert and sea; I am Atlantis, technology's belief; I am the universe spinning out of control; I am the hopeful dreamer wishing on a Star; I am the fear that we are all alone; I am a warrior, a soul without a home.

This reality doesn't match up to the one in my head

2010-12-03T23:47:00.000-08:00

I guess no one leads the life they expected. I kind of thought my life would be a bit different, go figure. I guess I thought not about the events but who I would be, how I would be. This is not quite how I saw myself. I realize most see me in a different light than what I actually am. This is my fault, as I built walls from a very early age, and I have kept them up for so long that i don't realize I am keeping myself locked inside, just as much as I am keeping you out. If there was a sign of an interest to really be let in, I would surely do so, as I am ready and willing. But our reality will probably never allow it. Or I will blind myself to it and hold myself back, as I have done in the past. I want to sit in a field looking up at the vastness of the universe, listening to music that has meaning, to you or I, and just be in a moment. I just want moments now, and maybe a nice string of them that are deeply connected and may form true memories, true desires fulfilled. What are your desires? what do you want? Can I give that to you? Would you even allow me to? Of course that presumes you would want me to, but maybe, just maybe you will read this and say, I'll take a small chance, a small chance that may result in greatness, or a small chance that You may feel humiliated, although I would never do that intentionally. Not for this, not for any of this. I want to feel the universe pulsing through my being, but I want to feel it at your touch, your glance, that chance.

Funny how things happen at certain times

2010-12-03T00:31:00.000-08:00

After not having much of an internet connection the past couple weeks, it is finally nice to have it fixed. I'm sure there were many things I wanted to post here the past few days, but I generally just post "in the moment". I have plans now for the future- well the next 6 months or so, which could of course change dramatically depending on how things go with life. I am doing well and I am surprised at it, although I expect at some point to have a nice breakdown, probably on Christmas itself. I am trying to watch Christmas movies as they come on TV, but I can't really get into them being alone. I think I thrive more off of the joy that others get than what I myself have. I also tend to have the opposite happen when others are around and they are in a bad mood, I can sense it and I tend to absorb it. For better or worse. I have been preparing a bug-out bag of sorts, more of a long term one though. Yeah I guess I'm a bit of a conspiracy nut at times, but I'd rather have the bag and never use it than not have it and need it. It also allows me to be ready for a nice out door adventure. I'm thinking about finding a place nearby with facilities that are primitive to non existent, to go escape for a week or so, alone. I know I'll have to wait for spring, but I'm looking forward to the idea. I think it would be good for me to be completely isolated from everything, everyone, for just a short time. I think this could help me really clear my head in ways I have never been able to before. I'm also amazed at little I actually say in these blogs. I hide so much of myself even though most people who may stumble upon this, will never have any idea who I am. I guess I still am afraid of what my friends may think, and I don't want to be the first one to put myself out there. I tend to if someone does first, but it takes that much. I guess thats why I have a lack of relationships that go beyond friendship lol. and some that stay as mere acquaintances although I would like them to be more. Its too bad because I can see the potential but I know that I would have to take that first step, and that may never happen. sometimes I'm great at reading signals, and other times horrible, and I think the same may be said of you. I sometimes wonder when I direct something like that at someone if they ever really know that it was in fact intended for them, no one has ever asked, so either they don't think so, or they think so but will never say anything- whether because they don't want to know or because they are afraid of making a leap of faith and or hope, like I tend to do. Not that it matters, there are too many opposing forces in the way anyway. I totally need to find a woman who can deal with my eccentricities, and who would like escaping into the wilderness for a week, sound fun to you? Do I not creep you out with these writings? let me know...lol...no really...lol.... someday you'll actually know the real me, I'll let it out eventually, just bear with me

risky business

2010-11-30T01:16:00.000-08:00

I took my risk today, and we'll see if it ever pays off, although it makes me want to wander even more than I did before. Can I stay in one place, am I meant to? I would travel to you if you wanted me to. I just need a floor, or a forest. I want to explore the world, the humanity. It is like a safari out there, i don't fit in, and I want to observe it all. I want to be a voice, but i feel like I'm the exhibit in this zoo. I want to bury more ink below the surface, of my soul. I want you to bleed me. I want to fly off of a cliff and soar for those mere seconds. i want my universe to collide with yours. There are a few songs in my head right now that can explain how I feel without me trying to go crazy right now explaining it to the great wide open. so read the lyrics, listen to the songs if you want, and join me on a journey, voice the desires you have beyond the physical, beyond what we are taught to accept as normal. If you have spoken to me recently in any real depth, the lyrics seem to fit more and more each day.

Alanis Morissette- All I Really Want
Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...

Eddie Vedder- Long Nights
Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this light
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall

Long nights allow me to feel...
I'm falling...I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground
Ah...

I'll take this soul that's inside me now
Like a brand new friend
I'll forever know

I've got this light
And the will to show
I will always be better than before

Long nights allow me to feel...
I'm falling...I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground

Eddie Vedder- Society
Oh, it's a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
And you think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all you won't be free

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

When you want more than you have
You think you need...
And when you think more than you want
Your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
Because when you have more than you think
You need more space

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

There's those thinking, more-or-less, less is more
But if less is more, how you keeping score?
Means for every point you make, your level drops
Kinda like you're starting from the top
You can't do that...

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

Society, have mercy on me
Hope you're not angry if I disagree...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

take a risk, i think i will

2010-11-29T03:15:00.000-08:00

This past week has been quite hectic for me. Between work and everything else the stress was definitely getting to me. I think I have a plan to help ease this so I going to go with it. I’ve found myself trusting my gut more often than not now, my intuition seems to be getting me farther than when I allow myself to over think things. Thanksgiving was nothing to speak of, another holiday where I feel even more disconnected from those around me. Not to say I don’t have anything to be thankful for, but its hard to not be apathetic on days like that. When you are able to look forward to the end of this life and can’t wait to greet Death as a friend, it becomes hard to relate to a lot of people. i suppose most people see this as a pessimistic attitude to have, but I find it to be the opposite. I don’t have anything to lose, I don’t live my life with any significant fears. It is freeing, and I have to remind myself of this everyday- when those stupid petty things we all allow to control us get in the way. This life is a mere temporary moment in the span of it all. I know a lot of people don’t believe the universe to be the way I see it, but again, I don’t expect them to. There are experiences that change us all, and I can be thankful I suppose, that I’ve had a significantly larger number of those experiences than the majority of people around me. I’m glad that I have the freedom to explore my own mind, and how the universe works. I don’t know where I will be five years from now but I am prepared for what you all may consider the worst, but I see it as an opportunity to be truly free. My dreams are growing increasingly weirder, or I am at least remembering them more clearly. A goal I’ve been aiming for, and seem to be accomplishing. To think how much society has changed. I suppose I’m an odd-duck for looking into the meaning of my dreams, exploring the possibility that they are more than just mere rants of my mind as my body rests. How do we know if we don’t explore the possibility. I know by exploring it, I may learn about myself. That is my current goal, to learn as much about myself as I possibly can. Seems a bit selfish or self centered, but until I make a connection with someone who I can give up control to, I will continue this journey, in this way. I know some friends may be offended by this, thinking I mean in a way that I don’t, but I’m ok with it. Some will understand it, some will be angry, some will be a true friend and attempt to understand it if they in fact don’t. I never want pity, so if you talk to me about my past, I don’t need pity, only a chance to be me, and for you to try to understand me if you so choose. We live in this world with so many other beings, and I ask you- How many people truly know you, how many have you opened yourself up to, how many know the deep dark secrets that you refuse to let the light reach? I can honestly say, maybe one. Mainly because only a select few have ever tried to know me, and they have gotten close. But there are deep secrets, deep feelings and thoughts that I hide, and many times I try to hide even from myself. I find I do fear what my friends think, and so I don’t pursue a deep friendship very often. I think this is no way to live, so I am beginning to think I may be on the right track in at least realizing this. I want to be completely open, although this may result in a nice stay in a padded room lol. No more hiding, no more sheltering, if you want to be in my life and have a conversation prepare to hear what I am thinking, I really do feel I have nothing to lose any more. The only way to change is to force it, another thing I’m learning. If I merely rely on my desire to change, it will never happen, I must force it. I’m not a confident person by nature, but I am beginning to understand where this comes from and what has attributed to its continuation. There are certain things I would like to pursue, but situations will not allow it right now, which is unfortunate as i think they might be mutually acceptable and beneficial to myself and another. But as life is where it is at the moment, that may be one thing I do keep inside, as for now it will allow life to be a bit easier, as I know there are many of you who it would upset and I do care about that. which should be obvious since my life span continued beyond April 25, 2008. If it wasn’t for my caring about you all, I would have easily given up this life to pursue the next- however it may have ended up. But I do care, you should feel special. On an unrelated subject- women. freaking women lol. Yeah, I know- the usual “you’ll find the right girl someday” speech. But you shouldn’t make me promises that you can’t guarantee. Granted I always have my eyes open, as I am hopeful, but we all know that the odds of someone actually being ok with me just the way i am, is probably not a likely thing to run into. I’m hopeful, yet realistic. Heck i wouldn’t want to be with someone with my baggage- thats got to suck lol. So I shall go forth in the ways of unconventionality. You may read this and know its about you, but can you really be sure? the answer is yes, if you understand it. You don’t see the look in my eye because I can’t look you in the eye for more than a second, another drawback to that lack of confidence thing, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I hide enough to protect myself, unless I’m asked directly. I will play with insinuations and maybe’s or perhaps not’s , unless you take the step to be direct. I guess it is unrealistic to ask this of you as I could be direct in the first place. But I think it helps me gauge how I want to pursue things, it gives me my distance to be able to judge what my safety net consists of. The emotional walls I’ve built are hard even for me to tear down, but I am making an attempt. So maybe this will all change, with the changes I want to make in regards to other areas of my life. Another day, another life, this could have been different. But I believe in the infinite, and that makes all the difference to myself, for it gives me some hope, that this will all be read, and understood, and other tidings will change the path that I see ahead, in a pleasant way. I hope, I have hope, and I believe it is possible, but I do not disappoint myself when it doesn’t- that would be the real insanity. I have a goal, and maybe you would do me the on or of setting the same goal- and maybe if it works out, set the goal each day- Take one risk, on something on someone, a real risk, and believe that no matter what comes of the action, be happy that it was taken. Ok enough rambling for tonight, or this morning or whatever it is now.

Rambling when i can't sleep

2010-11-18T03:49:00.000-08:00

Here I sit again, another night, another time someone new finds out about the things that have happened. I’m not sure about a lot, and I know this blog will make no sense, but there are times I feel driven to write what’s on my mind, even though it makes no sense to me. There are a lot of things going on in my head.... mostly due to any real outlet, although that may be why I am writing this. My dreams, have been going wild lately. This isn’t really something new, it kind of goes in cycles.. but I’m in that part of the cycle where I remember a lot more dreams and a bit more clearly. I’m beginning a dream journal... attempting to keep track of what i can remember of my dreams. Maybe I will find something insightful in my dreams, and that kind of makes me laugh. Too bad I live today, I know I was meant to live in another time, I feel it so strongly within me, like I have lived in those times, and this one is still too new, too different, and I know I don’t belong. There were times that I could learn something from my dreams, a time when it would have been ok for me to believe my dreams mean something more than just what I subconsciously fear or want. It makes me wonder about so many spiritual things, the differences in what I believe now, and what I was raised to believe. My experiences, my feelings, my thoughts have changed me so much over the years, and yet one thing always stays the same, I want more- not really fiscally- not physical but spiritually. There is a purpose to all of this, and yet i am lost not knowing what it is. I’m confused.... as I’m sure you are as well. Do I think my dreams mean more than just what Freud may say? I guess I have a feeling that they mean more for me, but there are connections that cannot be denied, I grow more and more aware that in my view, my perspective, that there are no more coincidences. Not that I believe necessarily in fate, as we tend to view it. perhaps a purpose that we are all left to fulfill, a job or a task. I do believe we have a choice, as if we were born knowing we had a purpose, but we forgot what it was. We spend our lives trying to remember but we choose to not remember and then die leaving the world to go on without the completion. We all have a choice to explore our belief on life, the universe, and everything, and those choices help us on our way to remembering our task. Maybe, or maybe we’re just worm food. I don’t know. No one knows, nor could they convince me one way or another. Not sure where this is going, but I never know where I am going. I feel light in the winds of change, I am constantly moving in more ways than one. My mind is overflowing, and there are no vessels to fill, so it is lost. I wonder if my task is to have a miserable story to tell people to help them gain perspective on their own issues. I hope not, I’m looking for a happy ending to my story. That just made me giggle, I do believe I have some problems. To be honest I kind of wish there was a way for people to experience a day in my mind- on a good day I suppose, a bad day would not be something I would want someone to have to experience. I’m still looking forward to having a decent life, I am, but it kind of goes against the natural instincts I feel tugging away inside of me. Too many things inside that I want to let out, but I don’t know how, nor who would I allow to see that part. I know some people want to but I don’t want them to, for their sake and mine. For me, These things I keep in are deeply rooted within, and I know I can only share them with someone who will listen and see it as being ok, to think, to feel, to live, what it is I want. what I want... I feel selfish just saying it, but then there will be some who will say it is ok for me to be selfish with things like this, but they turn into the same ones who become offended when I take their advice- because it doesn’t benefit them. Ironic I suppose, I do see hope, but in it fire is required, some bridges must burn, and I never feel right about that. But again it goes back to being selfish. I want .. yeah I want. I want to find baggage like mine, or someone who is ok with mine, and will at least be respectful of it. I want a weirdo whose weirdness is compatible with my own. I don’t want pity, I don’t want people to try and change me- let me change myself, let me follow the flow in the stream of life- the current I am meant to ride. I don’t friendship that makes demands, that draws lines, I don’t want to be asked to choose between friends, the one who asks this of me will surely not be the one I choose. There must be a reason that slate is my favorite color. Don’t ask me to sacrifice, I’ve done that to the point it has harmed me over time. I want a connection with someone on a level higher than this. It’s out there, I feel it, I feel your energy and I make a connection, and maybe there will be a time where you strengthen it, or I may allow it to strengthen, so that you feel what I am feeling. But I can’t share this, you don’t really want that connection or you would be searching for it yourself. Or maybe you have already found your connection, if so, good for you. we need those that would help us on our path. They illuminate it in the darkest hours. I need them, they need me. I’m fading out now..... hope this was as confusing for you as it was for me. If you can decipher what i really mean behind these words, then let me know. I have found that that has been consistent as well, I always mask what I feel even in my writing, even when I am trying to be open. I guess I wait for those who can read between the lines, who can understand what I really am saying, but I know that day may never come, although one day i at least hope to read back on this and understand what it was I needed to say, or wanted, or maybe a different or truer meaning will come to light.

Do I let you in?

2010-10-24T01:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks the day that my Andrew-Bug was born. I know that my most recent blogs are focused on him, it is just my way of working through the emotions. I don't think anyone is really comfortable talking about the whole situation with me. I think it is something I need to do, so at some point I may have to seek a counselor, although I don't know how well it will work as they will be a comfortable outsider who is unbiased. i don't know if I'm comfortable with someone being able to be unbiased when someone else is in pain. I feel I allow myself to become sucked into another when they share their pain. I feel the ripping of the fabric of being when I am confronted with another person's pain. Maybe that is why I don't really have anyone to talk about it with. On the other hand I do know there are a couple who would talk to me about it all, however, I think their knowing Andrew and being as close to him as they were will hurt them if they are not really ready to confront those feelings they have about it all. I don't want to push anyone into that situation. This is my path of healing and I do not expect to have anyone there walking side by side with me on this journey. We all have our own paths to walk, and there are times where we may walk a parallel path or intersecting paths, but this is still my path. I think we can choose to join another on their path when they need us to, but we must be ready for the obstacles that that choice may bring.

I miss Andrew with every ounce of my soul,every particle of my being screams in agony at the absence of his physical presence. It is a void. A part of my being is missing, and the rest of me knows that there is an absence that should filled. I've lived my life fairly guarded. My emotional walls went up at an early age. There are reasons for this. But do I share them with the world. Do I give you the ammunition to crush me when I don't even know if I should let you in. If something seems too good to be true, are they? I never expect responses to my writing, for all I know it is merely my way form of prayer. Should you listen in on my prayers? Is it an intimate feeling that you don't want to disturb. Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming in the world's face and it merely is staring blankly bank at me, expressionless, emotionless. That feeling is the feeling of loneliness that I feel much too often. I don't ask for pity, I don't want pity. I want someone to want to understand me and to make that effort. truthfully, without judgment. See me for me. Look inside of me. I felt that with Andrew. He never had the chance to grow and learn the worst feelings we feel. Those fears that I carry like Marley in the afterlife. These chains wrap around my heart,binding it, choking it, but protecting it. From you? Do I let you in? Would you let me let you in?

We risk everything by allowing someone else in. I want to take that risk. I want A connection. I have connections, but they know that they have not connected with me in the way that I need, or feel I need, and I think that may frustrate them, or perhaps merely sadden them, that maybe they want to be that connection but were not able to be there for me in that way. I know I have those who love me deep enough to risk it all, but we don't. We know that in the end that risk will just have us burn together in the end. I want to fly, I want to transform, but I don't want to do that alone.

I keep skirting around the underlying issue of my feelings in regards to Andrew are. Right now that is a huge part as I really am trying to heal. But with every step forward toward that I am on the verge of tears. I don't know why I fight it, why I struggle against this. I fear the breakdown... I don't want to go through it alone, although I know inherently I must. I have felt alone for so long, and I want that void filled. But do I let you in. I wish this was the only problem in my psyche. But in the end I was damaged far before I lost Andrew. I don't want you to understand, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, maybe just maybe I want someone to want to really understand, and be willing to feel that pain with me as I feel it. Just that willingness to have to endure that pain, in order to connect with me on a higher level. Perhaps that is arrogant, for lack of a better word, of me to want that, or to think that someone would be willing to do so. There are some who I know will read this and will say "I am willing to do this" my old friends, my dad, and some others- you know who you are, but I think we both know that we can never do this, we know we will break if we do. There is something about it all that will maybe not break you, but it will destroy me.

I don't carry the mere burden of my loss. I feel the pain that so many others feel and it absolutely breaks my heart. The pain of my father, the loss of that renewed spark of life that Andrew had given after having gone through so much. The unwarranted guilt of a friend who thinks, if only we hadn't fought, he would still be here. I wish I could take all their pain away and carry it alone. I would be willing to give up my own life, my own mind, to appease the pain they all feel. I wish I could find the words to explain how much I want to take it all upon myself. I would be willing to live that Hell in order for you all to not have to feel this pain.

I don't know why I feel so alone, when I know I am not. Again I think it is because we will break if we allow it all to come together. We speak in tears and short phrases. We know we share a suffering, but we dare not share the suffering, as the pain may grow too large for us to handle.

I wish you could have known him. By knowing me, you only catch the most ugly hint of who he was, who he would have been, the light he brought. There is a fire inside of me that he lit with his birth, it was not snuffed with his death, but it struggles to stay alive.Everyday is a storm trying to wash the embers away. But do I dare risk letting you in? Do I allow you that access to me? What do I have to lose? I weigh the consequences of finding out the answer to that question. I think all you have to do is ask and I will let you in. But I'm fairly certain that you will not, so it becomes safe. A routine question, rhetorical. As I sit in the dark, writing a prayer, a wish, a hope, allowing myself to be alone with myself in the universe, with the rest of the world having the ability to watch from a safe distance, not needing to be let in. I don't blame you, you don't want to know me, the way i want you to want to know me. You don't want to, if you can trust anything I say to the anonymous world, that would be it. You don't want to be let in. But I would let you in, if you asked to be.

Mourning

2010-10-19T13:17:00.000-07:00

It has been a year since the trial. Life is finally starting to slowly settle down for me and I believe now I am finally starting to properly mourn the loss of my son. Andrew will always be on my mind. I realize this and I accept it. I know that for me accepting the reality of what happened is a major part of this. I am posting the sentencing statement that Judge Howard gave in order to put that information out here for my friends and family who were not able to be there. I understand that it is a sensitive matter, and most people will tip toe around it with me. I encourage an open dialogue as it helps me to process it all and to start to heal. It does hurt to talk about but through that I am able to healthily process the emotions I feel. I do give a warning to those who may read this. It is blunt. It may be hard to read. However this event changed my life and many others' lives. I encourage you to ask any questions you may have. I want everyone that was affected by it to be able to heal. I believe that this may be painful to read, but I also believe that some need to read it:

“All Right. Now it is my turn.

All Right. Two direct comments to, um, Chris Sheppard. Um, this comes from the bench, is that I have read your letter and we talked about- or you talked about the fact that you considered a permanent solution to- well, right now it is a very bad problem- which is you can devolve into a hole and no- no one can imagine your pain. No one can imagine your pain.

But John Walsh’s son in South Florida had his head cut off. That’s all they ever found of him. Jessica Lunsford was buried alive. I know that case real well. So, John Walsh became a champion. Mark Lunsford has established a foundation.

So, Chris Sheppard has a choice. You are in the one club in the world that no one ever wants to join. It is the Dead Babies Club. And it is horrible. But you can devolve into a hole and never be heard from again. Or you can use the help of counselors and things like that and try to make something positive with the rest of your life as a testament to Andrew Sheppard’s life. Just a thought.

Okay. My observations of this- thank you. I appreciate, Mr. Sowell, your observations of Mr. Trehy talking about- hey, yeah, I take a lot of notes. The notes of Dr. Wolf alone went to seven handwritten pages.

And I want to say this from the- up here as the- from the bench, this is the ultimate HD experience. That sounds kind of weird but the bottom line is you can see everything with such clarity and such truthfulness. And I really appreciate the skill of the trial attorneys in this matter.

It was- if it wasn’t dealing with such serious matters it would be downright enjoyable to watch the incredible chess match between the State, which bears the burden, and the Defense, which bears none. And I’m going to comment about that in just a few moments.

Mr. Spagnolo, one of the most painful things I have ever seen in my life happened on the road where I live. A snake- it was a black racer-had been run over by a car. And the snake was crushed exactly in its mid-section. The head and the tail were flopping around in opposite directions while the middle section was dead. It was too painful to watch, and I had to turn my head.

That image came to mind when I saw your statement to Detective Guinn. For over an hour you flopped around, desperately trying to maintain the several stories you had previously told to Detective Rodriguez.

You even suggested to Detective Guinn that if Andrew had had a blood clot it might have spread due to Kari’s shaking of Andrew to wake him. And you kind of alternatively cried and laughed and said “She was shaking him pretty hard.” That was shocking that you could try to put that on the child’s mother who knew nothing of your injury to the child.

When Detective Guinn said that couldn’t have happened, then you invented the last desperate version, which I believe the jury found to be pure fiction. Anyone could see from the video your desperation. You were caught and “how was this going to help me.”

The medical examiner testified that the injury to the baby’s brain – now , this is for the people who didn’t hear the testimony. And this is based on her own testimony which, of course, is made of record but- that she testified that the injury could only have occurred by “tremendous force”- that’s her words- “tremendous force” and not as a result of any of the four versions, which are: Falling out of bed, running into walls, hitting head on step by door, and then the last what is called the bouncing baby version.

According to the doctor this child either hit some object with incredible force, tremendous force or was hit by an object of incredible force.

Now this caused a massive subdural hematoma. And her testimony was it was five and half inches by four and a half inches. The brain- the brain- the skull fits like this. This brain actually torqued and twisted inside the skull and this severed the blood vessels leading to the brain’s swelling.

Then, not only was the outer dura mater ruptured but the inner layer, what’s called the subarachnoid layer, which is actually a part of the physics of the brain, that inner matter was ruptured.

That caused Andrew’s brain to swell and push out of the bottom of his foramen magnum, that’s the hole; and it was that pushing of the brain that smashes the brainstem and kills the child.

She found classic indicators of child abuse, because it is never just one factor. Number one, bruising on the sides of the head. She testified “multiple impact sites.” We’ll get to that in a minute. These multiple impact sites were visible three days later.

Retinal hemorrhage- number two, retinal hemorrhaging of the eyes. This is bleeding in the back of both eyes.

Number three, the child’s brain was flattened. It had a flattened- it was swollen so the little curves and the little crevices, they flatten out as they are smashed downwards.

We have subdural hematoma. We have the subarachnoid- four.

Number five, the subarachnoid hematoma.

Number six, blood on the optic nerve. And for the parents to have to sit there and hear that they had to remove his eyes just seems to compound the nightmare that this case has become.

Blood on the spinal cord coming out of the baby’s head.

Now, everyone agreed with the doctor’s assessment that the bruises- there was bruising on the child’s upper thighs that was caused by the car seat. And she testified that those bruises played no part in the child’s death and everyone agreed.

Oh, she was a good medical examiner because she knew that those little bruises on his thighs had nothing to do with his body. But somehow this very good and observant witness got it all wrong as it pertains to the cause of death because Gianni couldn’t have done this. Gianni did it.

Her testimony- now Mr. Sowell, it was very- a very experienced defense attorney because you brought up the issue of motive. That was, that was basically your only strategy, I guess. Motive is, by definition, the why of the case.

Now, I’m going to substitute a word for motive and say “stressor.” And now let’s talk about the stressors, which are actually indicated, at least one of them, in Doctor Land’s report.

And Doctor Lands report, which you have asked me to look at, was generated- date of evaluation was February, eight months ago. Nine months ago.

It was nine months ago that she did a very comprehensive report, and she found a stressor, which was the number two stressor that I found. this is what we have at the time, in this motion [sic] of time, in this HD event right here in the middle of the courtroom.

He’s a 34-year-old man who’s been working since he was 16. He’s out of a job. And that’s one of the things that she talks about; “however, he was not working at the time of this evaluation, which may be related to psychological avoidance,” it is listed as a stressor.

He’s separated from his wife and family. He’s not living with his son, but he is a babysitter for his girlfriend’s 17 month old son. He’s not sleeping in his home. His bedroom is an eight-by-twelve, single wide garage, sleeping on a bed with no frame on a concrete floor staring at the garage door opener over his head.

In fact, it was because of a couple of letters that I learned of some family members, Danny Braun(phonetic) and his wife Beth. If they are here, I hope they are. If not, it is okay. But I learned from those matters that he had been- that he had had to sell his house- family members “he had to sell his house and live temporarily with Danny Braun and wife Beth before moving into the garage of his cousin Joe Carlucci.”

At 34 he’s sofa homeless. A garage door separating his bed from the elements. He has no money saved but for the meager babysitting stipend of his girlfriend. And Andrew has been in his care for somewhere around 24 to 36 hours.

Is it unreasonable to assume that a 17 month old baby might miss his mama, might miss his daddy and that might be an awful lot of- just a lot of handful?

These are the photographs that were sent to the PSI and that’s just a beautiful baby. And I have seen an awful lot of dead-baby photographs in my life. And his loss makes this a darker world, makes it a less happy world.

It is likely that given all of these stressors that he snapped. Dr. Wolf testified there was only two ways this could have happened. He either grabbed the child by the ankles and slammed his head against the wall or- which I think to be somewhat unlikely- that he struck the child with tremendous force in a moment of frustration to quiet Andrew, if only for a moment.

Once, again, it is tremendous force. It was to the sides of the child’s head. That was the testimony from her. The moment of exasperation is why we are here.

With that last strike- remember, it was blunt force trauma- to the thinnest areas on the sides of the child’s head, the sickening realization of what happened: “Oh my God, Andy, wake up. Wake up, please. Wake up, Andy. Maybe if I just put you down on the bed it’ll go away” somehow like you had related here. You are angry at God because God let him die.

To Kari Sheppard, the mother of Andrew, you said that you listened to the interview. We have talked about the fact that if there was any glimmer, if Detective Guinn had said, “Yes, maybe shaking could have broken loose a blood clot,” do you think that the fact that Mr. Spagnolo already lied three times and also talked about this seizure with his mother, that he wouldn’t share this fault with you?

Anyone who heard that testimony could hear the anguish [sic] optimism in your voice. There has got to be a way that my son died other than the way the doctor said. But, Ms. Sheppard, optimism without boundaries is foolishness.

A jury of five women and one man, that the Defendant helped select with his attorney, took 40 minutes to find beyond the highest legal standard in the law that he was guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.

To say that this jury panel surrendered to some sort of visceral anger is an insult, Mr. Sowell. I know that you didn’t mean it that way. But they followed the law. It is just that the evidence was as a tidal wave, just sweeping away all before it.

The jury found the facts to be true, but it is important that those who were not here or tried to ignore the horrible truth- Ms. Sheppard, you forgave him so much that you chose to have a child by the very man that killed your son. Complete strangers watching this for the first time.

His need to convince you that it was an accident is so driven, so powerful, and so intractable that he compounded Andrew’s murder with a selfish act of ultimate cruelty. He gave you a replacement child. How can you ever tell Anthony about Andrew?

You know, it was eight years ago I handled a case which was known as “the boiled baby case.” Unlike Andy, that child lived. Just like you, the mother chose the man who plunged her toddler into a pot of boiling water over her mutilated son. His anus and privates melted to his tender skin.

She wanted a last embrace from the man who had scalded her son before he was led away to prison. That was denied then, and it will be denied now.

I pity you the day when you finally come to the realization that Gianni Spagnolo caused these fatal injuries. It was not an accident, and he did nothing to save his life.

For hours while Andrew ground his little teeth and clenched his fist in abject agony, he did nothing. He didn’t tell you. He didn’t call you.

Ms. Sheppard, the law deals with probabilities and possibilities. You asked “What if it happened the way Gianni says it happened?” Well, which way would that be ma’am? Would it be falling out of bed? Would it be striking his head against the door? Would it be ramming his head into the walls? He described that almost like some “Three Stooges” character. “He liked to bounce his head into walls.” The bouncing baby version? Those are four- all of the above? Any combination of the above? Which one? Which one?

Why would he change his story about his mother’s seizure in the PSI unless it was to explain away his statement to law enforcement that he knew what to do in a seizure situation?

Why is he now calling it diabetic stroke instead of what he told the detectives, which was a seizure?

When that day of revelation comes, free from the pressures of his family and friends, in the privacy of your most personal and private thoughts, you’ll summons [sic] the courage to ask yourself this question: “Since he lied about other things such as the phone call to you, his mother’s seizure, the first three versions of this incident, and the admission to the probation officer and the detectives that he lied about those stories, When is it ever going to be enough for you?”

Ask yourself this question: “What if it did happen the way the doctor said?” The simplest answer is found in Proverbs, “Simplicity is the seal of truth.”

Now, from a legal perspective, these are things that I did not know when I was asked to involve myself in the plea situation. And I, not knowing any of these matters, discussed an offer of a PI with a cap of 20.

Remember, these are things I did not know. Number one, that the child was likely injured in the morning hours of 4-23-08 because of the phone call from Kari. The Defendant stated to her that he’d hit his head and was sleeping. Valuable hours lost that might have saved his life.

Two, that on the taped confession he said to Detective Guinn that he told Kari about his seizing. And she expressly testified he did not. Another lie.

Three, that hours passed and when Joe Carlucci sees the Defendant he appears to be anxious; that Kari needs to come get her son.

Four, that the Defendant said nothing to Kari, to Joe on the- Kari or Joe about the seriousness of the injury; although he was grinding his teeth, clenching his fists, and not waking up.

Five, I did not know that the Defendant knew the signs of a seizure from mother’s own experience and did not call 911, yet he’s claiming he misspoke. That this is just his latest lie.

Six, that for hour after endless hour Mr. Spagnolo remained silent in the face of repeated questions from Kari and others as to how this could have occurred.

Seven, that even if by some astronomically incredible coincidence that you did not actually inflict the mortal blows, you waited, you prevaricated, you delayed telling anyone about the symptoms until it was too late.

Number eight, that I did not know that to Detective Rodriguez you told three differing versions; falling out of the bed, nicking head on step, child runs head into walls; and that for 70 minutes, while he was telling the detectives these preposterous lies, the child was dying, and he’s alternating laughing and crying.

Number ten, that when he thinks the Defendant [sic] is actually buying his story the tears immediately disappear.

Eleven, that when he finally decided to clear his name to Detective Guinn he repeated the same three lies, finally culminating in his fourth piece of fiction.

Twelve, that the focus was not on telling the truth, certainly not saving Andrew’s life, but rather, quote, how does that help me, closed quote.

Thirteen, that- I did not know that, according to Dr. Wolf, there were multiple impact sites. Let me repeat that. Multiple impact sites to the side of the head.

That Dr. Wolf is so experienced- maybe we have too many qualifying factors in this society now but let’s say that right now you challenged- Mr. Sowell, you challenged Dr. Wolf to the best of your abilities. She is so experienced that she teaches on a national level the diagnosis of sudden unexplained death in children.

This Court heard her resume and professional experience and finds her to be, without fear of equivocation, one of the most qualified, if not the most qualified forensic pathologist in the United States.

Number fifteen, there were multiple blows to the side of the head. Not to the front or the back as claimed by the Defendant, but to the sides. So, you want to talk about multiple impact points, all you have to do is look at the end of your arm, Gianni, and see your knuckles.

That these bruises ordinarily fade according to the doctor, but there was still quite a bit of bruising three days after death.

And that it was medically impossible for the injuries to have occurred in any of the four ways that you said they did. Once again, medically impossible.

She also testified- and I did not know this- that the doctor’s testimony is that a series of short falls, as described in your fourth version, would not have caused these injuries because the short distance would have actually dissipated the force of the injury, not magnified them,

You did not intend to kill that child. Had you intended to kill the child, the grand jury would have returned a verdict [sic] for first degree murder.

I can see why they did that and the – I think the grand jury system works; especially in light of the mother’s complete disbelief in your guilt and, yes, there is no history of abuse of the child or by the Defendant.

Remember, what would cause these multiple impact sites to the child’s head? Not any of those stories that you gave to the detective.

There being no good cause to show, Gianni Spagnolo, why sentence and sanction should not be imposed upon you, you are hereby adjudicated to be guilty as charged, as found by the jurors of Citrus County, and on each of the two counts adjudicated to be guilty.

Count one is 15 years in the Department of Correction, credit for time served. Count two is 15 years in the Department of Corrections consecutive to count one, credit for time served.”

Things to come

2010-10-19T01:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a mixture of emotion. I'm fighting through the despair and the fact that maybe I am now finally, properly mourning Andrew's death. I don't think I was really able to truly start until the trial was over. Granted there are still questions, but I know more now then before the trial ever happened. I can't believe it has been a year since the trial. I will be posting tomorrow the sentencing statement. I have to transcribe it online has I have a copy in print. I think everyone should read it to at least get an idea of what happened. This goes for all my friends and family who wanted to be there for me and Andrew, but were unable to. I also think it is important for my newer friends to read as it is a major part of my life, a major event that changed me from the inside out, forever. I will say, that it will be hard to read at some points, most especially if you ever had the joy of meeting Andrew. I do not mind talking about it, as it helps my own healing to be able to sort through it all and all the emotions it brings up within me. Again, watch for that tomorrow at some point- hopefully before I have to leave for work. I encourage you to read it, and ask any questions you may have. It is a tragedy that it happened, and I hope it helps everyone to appreciate the lives they have even more so. We never know when we will be taken out of this life. Nor do we know when those we love will be taken from us.

On a different note, tonight work started with a wonderfully epic Icee explosion. So that was good for everyone to laugh at lol. I'm excited at the prospect of getting a D&D campaign going. It has been a long while since I have been able to do some pen & paper RPGing. This makes me happy and it has my brain working, and hopefully get some writing done soon. I'm slowly motivating myself back into it, and out of this depressive little slump I've been in.

Here and Now

2010-10-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have blogged, or written much of anything, to be quite honest. I find it funny how much i do enjoy writing and yet I let life sidetrack me all too often, and no writing is done. I'm going to change that (yes I know I have said that before, so don't get mad if I fall flat yet again). Life has a tendency to throw people in my life who cause me to have a jolt of inspiration. Just the potential of doing some gaming again has me all crazy now with ideas. This could very well help me to get back into my book. I hope to set a campaign in the world I've created.

Insomnia has been a problem lately. i hate how my body cycles through the process. I think subconsciously I somehow attempt to make it even worse than it actually is. It always happens at a time where I need the sleep the most. But maybe that's why I can't sleep then. Who knows? I don't. Andrew would have been four in about a week. I miss him more than I can ever describe, which is frustrating. I know people attempt to be sympathetic and empathetic to my feelings, but I also know that you can't really be that way without the experience- which is one I pray those I know will never have to go through. It is a bit of a catch 22. I appreciate my family and friends. I cherish the opportunities to make new friends as well. I wish they all could have known Andrew. He captured hearts, in a way that I know I will never be able to do.

There are promises I have made to myself in which I am now finally undertaking. Taking responsibility for those and getting them done and I am happy about it. Life has so much potential and I think I have finally come to terms with life and the universe in such a way that we are able to coexist happily... most of the time.

I love being back in Colorado. Work may not pay the greatest but I love it. It is good for me for the time I am going to school... and then maybe a real chance at that gaming store lol... or bakery.

There are plans in the works for a trip to Vegas next year. That will be awesome. I have wanted to do that at least once, to knock it off the old bucket list... I need to make a list, I seem to actually do things if I write a list... damn lists.

I'm still coming to terms with trying be able to express myself freely. i know I usually do when I write poems, but I can put messages in them that I understand that no one else will, or at least those I want to hide the message from. It is a bit more difficult for me to be open about certain things when I am writing in this format. That is a fear that I still need to overcome, especially when it isn't a negative thing to write about. I just have closed myself off to so many for so long, it is hard to break that habit. I suppose many might think that all of this is fairly open in context to how much any normal person might share with the anonymous world. These are just surface level concepts and facts. Thoughts that are safe, they are ok for me to share. I don't know, maybe I feel I am not justified in thinking what I think, feeling what I feel. Just trying to find that connection.

What is the most valuable lesson you have ever learned?

2010-07-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

What is the most valuable lesson you have ever learned? Who/what taught it to you?

This is an extremely difficult question for me to answer but I will do my best. I believe throughout my life I have learned some extremely important lessons, as I hope to continue learning more lessons every day. I do believe that the most important lesson I have learned to date is about the choice we have in the way we react to situations. I believe that we tend to react and never really think about our choices. There are some situations which I think we should take even a split moment to try and make a conscious decision about how we are to react.

I learned this in the worst situation I have ever been in and will ever be. My son Andrew was laying in the hospital bed on life support. We had just had a meeting with the doctors who gave us a prognosis of hopelessness. If we kept him on life support the pressure in his head would continue to build and it would delay the inevitable for maybe a couple of days. At the very best his condition would allow him to live on machines as a vegetable for the rest of his life. He was a year and a half old. We decided that the only right thing to do would be to take him off of the machines and allow him to pass. He had been put in this condition by my ex’s boyfriend. No one knew at the time exactly what had happened, and to this day no one except the man in question knows what happened. I remember standing in the hospital room praying with every ounce of energy for some miracle, for peace, for something. The room slowed to a standstill. Ahead of me stood two paths. One was a path where I forgave, the other was one where I did not forgive. The normal path for me would have been to be completely overwhelmed with grief and hatred for this man. That path did not lead to anywhere but complete and utter self destruction. The path of forgiveness was not one that would be easy but in the end it would make the burden slightly less than what the normal route would give.

I made a calculated choice to forgive. Without knowing exactly what happened I had to choose forgiveness, in order for me to survive this. It gave me the peace I needed to deal with what I needed to go through in that moment. I did not have to dwell on the hatred as I took turns holding my son as he slowly faded from this world. This is the most important thing I have ever learned. I do have a choice. I will always have a choice on how I react. It would do nothing for my son’s memory to live a life full of hate and rage. If my son could love me unconditionally, as flawed of an individual as I am, then I can find it within myself to make an effort to forgive. It is a daily task and it is not easy. The path has not been easy, and the struggle has almost brought me to my own end. However I do believe if I had not made that conscious decision to forgive without any idea of what actually happened, I would be dead right now. Forgiveness does not excuse what happened but forgiveness has allowed me to survive the most devastating event I will ever live through. I believe that I had to make that decision then and there because if I had waited for the truth to come out I would have not survived. The trial revealed to me that there was more evil behind it then could be imagined, but I made that decision to forgive, and I will stick to that. It allowed me to have compassion in moments that normally I would not have been able to be compassionate.

So it goes that we all have a choice in our reactions. I cannot judge and say that one reaction is better that another. I can only say that some reactions will serve yourself and others will help to serve others. I have tried to figure out a way to live serving others as opposed to myself, a difficult path but I believe that I try, but I have that choice to make when a situation occurs. We all have that choice.

What are the top ten most important jobs in the world?

2010-07-05T17:22:00.000-07:00

What are the top ten most important jobs in the world? Are there creative aspects to any of them and if not, why? Would u be good at or enjoy any of these jobs?

1.Teachers- they are the ones in charge of molding minds, to me that is very important to have the right people teaching not only children but adults as well. Teaching can be extremely creative when the teachers are given the opportunity to do their jobs. I think I could be a decent teacher, but I don’t feel that it is necessarily what I should do.

2.Historians- I believe that history has been twisted, but I feel that a real historian would strive to find the truth in it all. I believe in the adage- Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Historians are more on the path looking for facts. I think there may be creative ways to discover the truth about things, but on the whole I don’t think it is necessarily a “creative” job. I could be a historian and would probably enjoy it.

3. Artists- They are a connection between this world and a world unknown to the majority of humanity. Creativity is the essence of this. I think I would enjoy it, and be alright at it.

4.Doctors/nurses- If money wasn’t such a major factor in this field I would appreciate it even more, but as it is, it is still very important. I think in some cases creativity is needed, but again it would be for the discovery of facts and cures. I would not be good as a doctor and would not enjoy it.

5.Firefighters- a fairly selfless job and an important task. It doesn’t call for a lot of creativity, but in most things I thing some creativity can be used. there are always occasions where thinking outside of the box is needed. I would not make a good firefighter.

6.Police/military- Only because we live in such a flawed world where people put their own needs/wants above those of their fellow men. Creativity when needed. I don’t really fit that mold too well.

7. Bakers/ Pastry Chefs- don’t argue with me on this one. This my list, don’t judge me. A large amount of creativity can be incorporated into this. I would make an awesome baker, and I would love it... I would become beyond fat and happy.

8. Theoretical Physicists- I see them as our generation’s philosophers trying to figure out why the world works the way it works. I think a lot of creativity is needed to come up with some of the ideas that they have come up with, but I don’t know if it is creativity or the ability to see how things work. I would have loved to be one, but not sure I would be suited for it in the long run.

9. Sanitation Workers- what a thankless job, but needed. I don’t imagine it takes a too much creativity once a plan has been come up with, but I’m sure some is needed to figure out what to do with the waste and garbage. This job for me = Do Not Want.

10. Parents. The most important job. An immense amount of creativity may be needed at times.

What 5 novels/series of books would you want to be transported into?

2010-07-05T16:53:00.000-07:00

What 5 novels/series of books would you want to be transported into? After that, would you still go if you were not allowed to bring anyone with you or come back ever?
1. Harry Potter
2. Lord of the Rings
3. Eric Flint’s 1632 series (ring of fire series)
4.The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
5.Robinson Crusoe

Now in reverse order... If I could not at least say goodbye to those I care about then no I would not go to any of these places. If I could at least say goodbye then that changes the situation.
5.Robinson Crusoe- I would love to spend life in almost absolute solitude, relying on my own abilities to survive with no thought of the materialistic aspect of this world. It would be the late 1600’s so that would be an interesting time to live but that long alone might not be a good thing for me... I’d either go insane or turn into a feral person. They wouldn’t rescue me because they would think I was some weird wild ape man. I’d probably get thrown in a zoo, or be put on display for royalty... or just shot and killed.

4. The Hitchhiker’s guide.... No I wouldn’t go. As fun and amazing as it would be to travel the universe. The universe shown through Douglas Adams’ eyes isn’t quite how I envision the universe, so I’m not sure I would want to spend the rest of my life in it.

3. 1632 series- Again it would be like Robinson Crusoe, the time period would be awesome to live in, and being transported with people from my time would make it a bit better so I think I would go.

2. LOTR- Yes, I would go, no question about that. I dreamed of that from the time I first read The Hobbit, so I would go in an instant. Middle Earth would be the ideal world for me to have to live in. It wouldn’t matter to me at which point in the history of Middle-earth I was thrown into, I would feel at home.

1. Harry Potter- Again I would jump at that as long as I could be ten again and wasn’t a blasted muggle... because if that were the case it would be pointless. But under those conditions, I would go.

But again if I did not have the opportunity to say goodbye, I wouldn’t go no matter what the situation. I wouldn’t want the ones I care about to be worried because I disappeared without warning. That would eat away at me forever. I wouldn’t want to do that to everyone.

What drives creative people to create?

2010-07-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

What drives creative people to create? What ways do u know of to force creativity's hand when u are stuck? Will we have bettered the world if no one ever sees our creative works besides those we live with?

I am not entirely sure of what drives “creative” people to create. It is something innate, something built within their being. Whether that is a genetic manifestation of the right coding within our DNA or something more spiritual is something that is beyond my grasp of reasoning and understanding. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be, a great mystery. Perhaps that is where the creative drive comes from, something beyond us. Then I get wrapped up in different ideas as I am very interested in quantum physics and the realm where philosophy/spirituality meets science. If the universe is infinite, are we actually creating or are we merely replicating something that already exists. With the idea of infinite possibility, there is the possibility that every story I tell may have happened, or perhaps is happening, or even still may happen in the future. The idea of time/space and space/time really throws a monkey wrench in that idea of actually being creative. I find the idea fascinating because it is crazy to think that maybe my story has happened, or maybe will happen because I thought it up.

I don’t really have too many ways personally to force creativity. I know for myself that it comes and goes and the only way to try and force it is to do smaller exercises much like the one I undertook by just answering questions. It has a way of making my mind get back to a sort of routine of being used to writing. I think circumstance can have a lot to do with the ability to create. Creation seems to take a large amount of energy, again, I can only speak for myself, but i think other creative minds might agree. The amount of someone’s spirit and soul that goes into their creation is astounding, and can be such a physical drain that I believe circumstance can have a huge part in this. If an artist has to expend a large sum of energy in another direction I think that their ability to create may be diminished to a degree. Even then I am not sure what can give inspiration at times. I know there are times when I have plenty of time but nothing comes out, and then there are times where I am flooded to the point that I cannot even get everything out. I wish there was a simple formula on how to force creativity, because if there were I do believe I would have accomplished much more and I would be much more satisfied in what I have done.

I think the whole point of creation is to share it with others. Now, I’m not sure if it matters on who or how many it is shared with, because I think that if one person can affect just one other person in a positive way then they have accomplished something absolutely fantastic. Ideally I think it would be great to share my own creation and ideas with the entire world, but the reality is it just doesn’t work that way. I think that there is no real point to creation if it is not shared with another. It is self serving to keep one’s creation to them self, but again if it bring satisfaction to that person, is it really my place to judge how their creation affects the world? I believe sharing it serves a better good for the world but again maybe it will serve a better purpose to merely affect the creator, and maybe that in itself will be a catalyst for what that person needs to do. The question I then begin to ask myself is- am I doing what I should be doping with my art? Am I doing a disservice to myself and the world by not focusing more on my art? If my purpose in life is to write, am I harming myself by not taking the risks needed to focus more on this? Am I harming the world? If I am meant to write, is there something I should have written that will not be written because I am more focused on other areas merely to try and maintain a sense of mild comfort to survive this life? It is a dilemma that I have found myself in for years. I would love to find a way to just focus on my work, but the reality of the situation is it becomes very difficult to survive in the world focusing completely on one’s art. I think there was a time where success wasn’t what drove art. There was a time where it was appreciated for being art. There was also a time where people were more willing to get together and work together to help each other out so that they all could be able to survive and have a deeper focus on their individual arts. I guess I need to find an artists’ commune.

Choice of superpower

2010-07-02T17:05:00.001-07:00

Choice of superpower

I would pick a simple one. I would pick the ability to fly. I just feel that it would be an amazing feeling to soar through the air by your own power. I would spend all day and night flying. I just think that would be amazing. I know there are cooler super powers and probably more useful ones. But I think my desire for this one just shows where I wish I could be- carefree, doing no harm and just enjoying life and the world, flying through nature. I really wish I was able to do this. I think it would be nice and peaceful. I think that’s what I want out of life, just a moment of peaceful bliss. That would be nice.

who inspires you and why? how has this inspiration affected your life?

2010-07-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

who inspires you and why? how has this inspiration affected your life?

This is a difficult question to answer, in part because there have been so many inspirations in my life. I tend to find inspiration from everyone I run across. I feel that we have all overcome something, and that in itself is inspiring. I can probably break it down to two people who at this point in my life have inspired me more than either of them know. I hope it makes them happy to know and not embarrassed.

The first is my dad. I think a parent can be an easy answer to fall back on, but my dad truly does inspire me. I am sad to say that growing up, as I think is usually the case, I was not able to appreciate all that my dad did. He worked hard in a job I know he did not enjoy to provide for our family. He has always been there for me, unconditionally. He has always been supportive of every choice I make, and allowed me to make those choices, to make my mistakes. I know many people who can’t say these things about their own fathers, and I am glad to know I can say this. He is Andrew’s grampa, and was always there for us. He lived through the turmoil in the same time and space as me, I know he is the one who can relate to my pain the closest, because of how close he was to Andrew. He has gone through so much, and so much he couldn’t understand, but he hasn’t given up, and so I do my best to not give up.

The second would be Rachael. Always at the right moment, the right word, the right message sent. Always supportive, always forcing me to see myself in a different light. Without that, I know I wouldn’t be who I am. An artist mixed up in the chaos of this world in so many similar ways as myself, and yet very different. The ability to have the intuition of when to say the right thing or send a message right when I need it has helped in many ways. I don’t express those things to anyone, but they occur right when I need them and it inspires in me that need to push forward at so many points. It is usually at the points where no one knows that I need that help, and I am on lock down so no one finds out, so those messages become more important than she knows.

These inspirations and the many others are what help to outweigh my selfish desire to vacate this world. So in many ways it has affected my own life and the lives of everyone I know.

Atheists believe that when you die, you simply end. How does this make you feel?

2010-07-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

Atheists believe that when you die, you simply end. How does this make you feel?

I’ll start by saying I think we are all granted freewill, and in this we all have been given the chance to decide for ourselves what we believe. As far as atheism goes, I feel a compassion towards those that lean to that belief system. I wonder how hopeless it feels to believe that all there is, is this life and then nothingness. I also believe regardless of spiritual belief or religion, I believe that the thought that we just end being when we die is kind of silly. I think that there is enough scientific evidence to show that we do not cease to be. Now, what that form is when we die- that is where the interpretation and guesses come in, but simple laws of the universe show that we don’t just cease. Now whether we will be conscious of our life here on earth after we die, again that is open to contention. But I believe there is enough out there to have some sort of faith that we will exist in one form or another after this life, even if it is scattered energy and matter. I feel that if I had no belief in something after this life, I would probably be what we all see as an extremely self centered and perhaps evil person. For why would there be any reason to serve anything but yourself. There would be no ramifications, no reason to be anything but self serving. Any legacy that would be left behind would be meaningless, as would any action or inaction taken while alive. It would make everything pointless. So I’m kind of sorry for those, but it is their choice to believe that. I can only go on what I feel I would feel like if I had those beliefs. But again, if I didn’t believe what I believe then I still think I would be drawn to the idea that there is more to it than just this. From everything I’ve seen with theoretical physics and quantum mechanics/physics, I believe would lead me to conclude that there is a chance of something more than just this, so I think I would end up agnostic at the least.

What is the one dream in your life you most look forward to achieving?

2010-07-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

What is the one dream in your life you most look forward to achieving?

I don’t honestly believe I will achieve it due to how I see things occurring, but my biggest dream in my life is to own my own business. That business being a comic book/table top gaming supply store. I have put years upon years of thought into it, and maybe someday it can happen. I think a lot of things would have to change in the world for it to become an actual possibility. However, it is something I have wanted for many years. I have written business plans, and made plans for it to progressively become a larger business and expand to include other facets, such as an art gallery and a restaurant. It is a simple dream and I know I could make it successful given the chance, but again, I believe things in the world will have to take a distinct change in order for this to ever become a reality.

When do you feel the most afraid?

2010-07-02T15:51:00.000-07:00

First to understand when I am the most afraid, you have to understand what I am most afraid of. My biggest fear is myself. The knowledge of what I am capable of and what I think about is scary to myself. So the time that I am most afraid is when I am alone. I do not trust myself and my own mind when I am completely alone. I spend a lot of time alone in a sense but it is usually with access to friends or family at a moment’s notice. Those late hours at night when I am awake and alone to dwell on my thoughts is when I am the most afraid. This is compounded if I am in a house by myself. If I am not alone in the house, then I know that i can easily wake someone up if I cross a line in my mind. But to be alone in a house late at night, there is the chance of not having anyone to turn to. This creates a fear in my mind because I know that when certain thoughts enter my head it can grow at an exponential rate to the point that I break. I fear what I will do if I break and I am alone. There is only a degree that I will go to ask for help. It is hard enough to ask for help from loved ones, but if there is no access to a loved one, I know I will not get help. This presents the dilemma of what I could possibly do to myself. I only fear this because of the complications it would present to those I care about. Let’s be honest here, I guess that’s the point for me in this. I do not love this life at all. I do not fear my own death. I welcome the idea and cannot wait to meet my end in this life. I only fear pointing people I love through the pain of my death. I do not want to be responsible for that pain. That is why I do continue onward each day. It isn’t because I have hope for this life. this life will be what it is going to be, but I know I have some control on the amount of pain that I would bring to others, so I try to limit that pain as much as I can. I also do not believe that this would honor Andrew’s life. This is the burden I carry, trying to balance what is ok for me to endure in my own mind balanced with what I can control as far as the pain that I might inflict on others because of my own selfish desires. When I am alone I fear the point where I will no longer be able to hold out for others. There it is, and I’m sure someone will read this and be worried about me, but that isn’t the intent. I am extremely methodical when it comes to my views on my “life”. It is not the happy, cheerful, hopeful, idea of life that I’m sure people would like me to have, but it is what it is. You can understand it, or not, you can try to understand or not. These are not my choices to make, but your own.

A letter to the universe

2010-07-02T15:22:00.001-07:00

A letter to the universe

Dear Universe:
I apologize in advance for the things I may say in this letter that may be on the negative side. I figure since you are infinite you should be able to at least understand where I am coming from with what I have to say, but if not, then that just brings up a whole different list of comments and questions that I would have to insert into another letter.

First off, why? Yes, Why?! I kinda want to stab you in the eye... if you had an eye. Yeah I’m not exactly a violent person, and I tend to not want to see violence in this world, but there are some messed up things that have occurred in my life. Yes, I’m going to be selfish in this letter and make it about me. You are the universe and, well, if you are taking the time to read this letter then I think I should at least take this opportunity to express how I feel. I really don’t like to think about myself, but I do feel that overall this general attitude that I’ve developed over the years really hasn’t made a positive difference in my life. I could just be wrong, but then again why would that be different than any other time in my life?

I wish you would at least give me some sort of sign... ok, let me rephrase that. A definitive sign, something not open to interpretation. A sign that I am either completely insane, or perhaps just walking around seeing things for what they are. Yes I know, you are going to get all metaphysical on me with this. Let’s cut the crap. If you are infinite then it would be pretty easy to just shoot straight with me.

So let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. What happened that day? You know what I’m talking about, so let me have it. It would be nice to just know what the reality of the situation is and was. To what end is this supposed to go? and why? Why me? Yeah, yeah, woe is me... pity me... screw it, you know that’s not the meaning behind why I ask why me. That’s all I really want to know, despite the great mysteries, that is the only one I really want to clear up with this letter. I don’t really expect a response, but I’m always game for a surprise. Although good luck having anything happen at this point in my existence that will shock me.

Love,
Chris

My Mr. America acceptance speech

2010-07-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

My Mr. America acceptance speech
Ok, I’m not sure what this is supposed to be, so bear with me. I do believe my thank you speech would be similar in any acceptance of any type of award.:

Thank you, I’m not sure why I am deserving of this award, but thank you. I know I cannot take credit for anything in my life as I merely am. I do not see what I do as special or above and beyond in any way. I feel I am merely playing out the role that was meant for me, where ever that my take me. I am merely fulfilling what I am meant to be doing. In most cases I find it hard that I am even doing a good job at that. I would thank my Creator and my Savior. I would like to thank my family and friends. You know who you are. Right now I am trying to only live a life that I think my son Andrew could be proud of. I miss him and this is only a time of surviving until I can see him again.

Favorite Cartoon

2010-07-02T14:57:00.001-07:00

Favorite Cartoon
This is a quick and easy one, and yet a difficult one all at the same time. As a child GI Joe and HE-Man were my favorites. I later loved Ducktales. I didn’t really watch too many cartoons in my teenage years from what I recall, beyond the scope of The Simpsons. Then Shows Like Family Guy and Futurama came out and I was hooked. I became a fan of South Park after seeing Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. I had not seen an episode prior to the movie, but the movie hooked me at once. I have pretty much stuck with those ever since. I tend to watch most cartoons, but those are my favorites. Oh yes, and Invader Zim, I can’t forget Invader Zim. I would throw Robot Chicken in but that is a different form of animation than just cartoon. So to wrap this hort entry up, I would say without a doubt, that Futurama is my favorite cartoon. End of story. It has been my favorite and now I can rejoice with the new episodes finally.

Favorite musician

2010-07-02T14:47:00.001-07:00

Favorite Musician
As a child, I’m not sure who my favorite musician was. I can’t remember actually having one at a young age. In elementary school I liked oldies. I know Kokomo by the Beach Boys was my favorite song. Late in elementary school and into middle school I was a huge Boys II Men fan. I listened to mostly rap and hip hop. In the eighth grade I was introduced to Green Day’s “Dookie” album. This was my first real introduction to alternative music or punk- whatever you want to call the genre at the time. I quickly delved into alternative rock. Bands like the Smashing Pumpkins became my music of choice. Then sometime in the ninth grade I believe, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones had the hit “The Impression That I Get.” This was my introduction to ska, which blew my music world away. I started delving deeper into ska and punk, with metal following up closely. The Dropkick Murphys became my favorite band as their blend of Punk and Celtic music hit my soul hard. They still are one of my favorite bands and were the catalyst for me to explore that genre more and more. The result being my interest in Flogging Molly and the Pogues. Later, Great Big Sea could be added to that list.

After High school Pink Floyd became a mainstay in my musical favorites.... for multiple reasons which I will plead the 5th on. My interest in music has always been far stretching. I think this is because I have absolutely no musical talent to speak of. I appreciate the art of music, and I do wish I had some ability in that art. I can listen to so many songs and remember a specific even that I have attached to that song from my life. I literally have created a soundtrack to my life in this way. I also started making my own CD mixes- my generation’s version of the mixtape. I would form stories with the songs so that a lot of the CDs I made had a flow and story in them in songs from completely different artists. Whether anyone else could see that in them is unknown to me, but I enjoyed it.

As far as my favorite musicians today, I would have to put Blue October near the top merely because of how much I relate to so much of their lyrical content. I also am a huge fan of the nerdcore genre of music. MC Chris was the first I had heard from this genre and I quickly delved into the genre, although in hindsight, Weird Al would be the first nerdcore performer that i was into, even though he was not strictly nerdcore. He had several songs that definitely could be placed in the genre. Now there are many in nerdcore that I like. Beefy is one of my favorites with absolute certainty. In my search of music like this I actually befriended an artist who I have a lot of respect for and am so glad to know as he is going through the process of making his dreams come true. So a littleplug for Empire Ramirex (Sample the Martian), Can’t wait to hear the new album.

The most unique aspects of your personality

2010-07-01T23:00:00.001-07:00

I’m not entirely sure on how to answer this. I don’t really consider myself unique. I know everyone is unique in their own way, but I guess I just don’t think about myself that way. I just see me as me, usually not in the most positive light, but I am working on that aspect of myself. I guess I will answer by giving the top five things about myself, that I feel make me who I am... Maybe that is what is what is meant.

1. My view of the world in words. I don’t really have visual imagery in my head. It is more so in the form of words not pictures. When I was in group therapy being conducted by the military, yeah that makes for an interesting time, we were directed to create a timeline of our lives. Without thought I made mine and we all took turns presenting them. My entire timeline was composed of only words, no pictures. Apparently that is not the norm. I was the first person the doctor had ever had do the exercise that had only used words. I don’t know, I guess that’s something.

2. I guess I am fairly understanding and forgiving. I would say that I am to a fault, but I don’t feel it is a fault, and I would take that one step further to say that I don’t believe I forgive as much as I should or want to and I don’t think I am as understanding as I should be. I guess it is something I strive for, and usually fail at epically.

3. I still dream. I still have hopes and dreams. Although I am not optimistic about the fulfillment of those dreams, I still wander my thoughts and discover the paths I want to see.

4. I’d rather see those I care about succeed and fulfill their dreams than to see my own come to fruition. I think that makes me happier than seeing things go in the direction I want for myself. If I have to choose between my dreams and someone else’s, I think I can honestly say I’d rather see someone else get their chance.

5. People seem to like my ability to keep going. Despite what occurs I take it in stride, although I don’t think I do. But I also am not sure what else I would do but continue on. I went the path of not wanting to continue and chose that wasn’t the path for me.

I didn’t like writing that. I don’t think those things make me special or anything to be proud of. It just is, and it makes me uncomfortable to write about myself like that. i don’t think I am a good person to view things about myself. When I look at myself I see so many things that I wish I could make better about myself. So many ways I could be making the world better, but I end up just being.

My Favorite Flower

2010-07-01T22:28:00.001-07:00

I have two favorite flowers. One for appearance and the other for smell. My favorite flower to look at would be the Hibiscus. I don’t know why but I have always really liked how they look. I think for me, as a flower they are just the most aesthetically pleasing. Know I’m wondering if that has anything to do with personality? I wonder what everyone else’s favorite flower is. I wonder if there is something in the brain that can be found in common with other people that have some sort of similar personality trait. I guess “favorites” in general make me wonder this. Are things like that mainly steeped in tradition and culture or is it something genetically inherent, or maybe something else. Interesting, makes me wonder. The smell of Jasmine is my favorite. Just the thought of it is extremely enticing to me. That smell is rather intoxicating to me. I don’t think I will delve to much further in that as it will become TMI I’m sure, but I will say I absolutely love the smell of Jasmine. It is the only “flower smell” that I know of that I actually like.

My version of the 10 commandments

2010-07-01T22:13:00.001-07:00

I am skipping favorite musician and cartoon to come back to those later. This night I believe I will be doing more writing than I have done in the past 6 months and it feels good to do this. Granted there is nothing profound in it and nothing highly creative about it, but I feel like it is a way of unburdening my mind even in the simplest manner.
I personally do not believe that the Ten Commandments need to be altered. I do believe I am more apt to taking these in the form that Jesus put them when He was asked by the Pharisees- Which commandment is the greatest and He answered= 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

By putting it this way, He was able to show that the act of love was the most important thing. I don’t believe it is my place, especially here and now to preach to this audience about their own spiritual beliefs, but I believe these two commandments if followed are key. Love is key, without love I don’t believe it matters what you do with your life, I think all things we see as evil are a derivative of a lack of love, and all things good are because of love.

I guess I could give my Ten Commandments in just one word and that would be “Love”. Love is a verb. and it is one of the most difficult things to do. It can also be one of the easiest things to do. I think where we all fail so many times is we make love conditional, when it should be unconditional. Imagine if everyone loved everyone unconditionally. Where would there be room for evil to exist? But that comes down to free will, and everyone has that choice, and unfortunately not everyone will choose this. But I cannot judge them for this because as much as I would like to be able to love everyone unconditionally, it is extremely difficult to do just that, although I try.

Favorite TV show

2010-07-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

Favorite TV show
This one is a bit easier to recall than the movies. As a child I loved He-man and GI Joe. I’m sure I had other favorites but these still stand in my mind and thus I can only assume that they were of more importance to me as a child. I know I also loved the Disney shows such as The Gummy Bears and Ducktales. From about the age of 8 or 9 until about 13 I was a huge fan of wrestling. The stories captivated me and the athleticism of the wrestlers absolutely blew my mind. I was an extremely small kid, super skinny and short. I was what one might call a late bloomer. I wished I could be like those wrestlers.
As a teenager I can’t really remember what my favorite shows were. I know I watched shows like The Real World and Road Rules. I spent a lot of time watching MTV. I don’t think I watched a lot of TV though. I mainly watched movies and I spent most of my free time playing video games and role-playing games. Perhaps this was part of why I felt a bit alienated. I was a nerd and dork. Yes I said was... Ok I still am but its more acceptable these days to be into all of those things. Oh how I wish I was in High School in this period of time.
I spent a great many years focusing on movies and not TV, but I tend to find the occasional show now that I enjoy watching. I am a big fan of Survivor. To me it is just a fun show to watch. I loved Heroes, but I do believe that has been canceled. Dexter is probably my favorite show, yet another serial killer that relate to. That pattern doesn’t seem to help me seem like a normal individual, but luckily most people like Dexter. I also love the show Weeds, The Office, and Parks and Recreation. I also still like all the adult oriented cartoons. I still have a love/hate relationship with FRIENDS. There are a lot of television shows, movies and music, that I have a hard time enjoying now, because of the attachment of certain memories to them. I’m sure there will be more questions to answer that I will end up going deeper into that idea.

Favorite movie

2010-07-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

As this exercise plays out, I realize that I may not be writing in the most creative way, but it is working in the sense that it is getting my brain working again in the direction of writing. It is also helping in the way that I am having to go to some places in my mind that I tend to shut down and shut off, because it isn’t ok for me to go to those places. Whether it comes across in my writing or not, is yet to be determined as I have trouble seeing what I write for anything but what came out of my mind at that given time. It does have meaning to me, but in a way , as my writing has always been for me, it is nothing but words on a page as far as its value beyond the invoking of emotions within myself. Like I said I am blind to how this actually comes across to an audience. But this exercise does allow me to take that step of exposing myself to the world, regardless of how trivial the information may end up being.
As a kid I don’t really remember having a particular favorite movie. I’m sure my parents could tell me what it was, if I even had one. I really liked the He-man movie- Masters of the Universe, as it was my favorite action figure. I remember being a bit scared of Beast Man and the serpent guy. I also really like the Star Wars movies. As a young boy, how could I not like Star Wars. They are still some of my favorite movies. The Goonies was also one of my favorite movies. I would still put the Goonies in my top five movies to this day. I remember seeing it and I swear there was an octopus or squid in the original release that somehow got edited out. It drove me crazy for years because I thought it was maybe something I just made up in my mind because Data talks about it to the reporter at the end, but alas I am not totally insane. Ah, I think I remember now. Funny how that works. E.T. was probably my favorite movie as a kid. I remember watching it, and I also remember actually crying at that young age when E.T. died and when he left.
As a teenager and through high school The Star Wars movies again held a high place in my life. So did the Goonies. Angus also became one of my all time favorite movies. It still makes me sad thinking about it. That movie was probably the first movie whose soundtrack really got to me as well as the movie. I think it is the first movie and soundtrack that I can really think of that I became emotionally attached to. By that I mean I relate it to moments in my life. It makes particular memories spring forth because it was the right movie and music for those moments and they happened at the right time to be attached to each other forever for me. Somewhere in there I related to Angus on a level that I had never related to a character before. Later in High school the big movies were anything by Kevin Smith, American Beauty, and American Psycho. Yes, American Psycho. I didn’t like it because of the shock value and the killing. It was the fact that I related to Patrick Bateman in a way that is to this day, fairly creepy/scary.
Now as an adult, ok that is just weird. I still don’t believe I am an adult, especially one nearing the age of thirty. My favorite movies, and I have to pluralize it because I cannot pick just one. I have a tendency to attach media to emotions. I’m sure most psychologists would say that isn’t healthy but I also believe that the majority of people do the exact same thing. I may be mistaken. I will continue to believe that I am normal in this area. Star Wars, The Goonies, and Angus still hold their place, but added to them are The Lord of the Rings Trilogy and all of the Harry Potter movies. I think these have really become my favorites because they are renditions of some of my favorite books. Granted they aren’t perfect but they are still great in my eyes. I had to fight back tears when Gandalf fell, even though I knew what the outcome would be. The Harry Potter movies were so good that they are what made me read the books, which ended up being ten times better if not more. If I had to put a movie at the top of my list, especially

Have I ever killed an animal?

2010-07-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

Have I ever killed an animal?
There are only a few instances in my life where I have killed an animal. Each time I do have to say I felt bad about it, because it wasn’t out of necessity. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t go and torture any animals to death or anything, but I didn’t kill because I was hungry and needed sustenance. The earliest time I can remember was when I was probably about nine years old. There was a fishing tournament and I caught a catfish. I wanted to bring it home to show my mom. To show that I was able to catch a fish. So I had my dad keep it and we brought it home. I remember feeling so bad that it died because I didn’t just throw it back. I knew I had been selfish and it ate away at me. I don’t know if anyone even knew at the time how I felt. I was and usually still am very good at hiding my emotions and feelings when I want to. I remember I even cried about it. I’m not sure what that means when you have that kind of reaction at that age for the reason that I knew that an animal died and it probably wasn’t painless. All because I was selfish and wanted to show that I could do something.
Working at the movie theater there were several instances where I had to kill mice, and I always felt bad about it, but I sucked it up and just did it because it was my job and I didn’t want to be perceived as... I guess feminine would fit here. i have always struggled with that concept of how others perceive me because I know I don’t fit the mold of typical macho guy. I like to bake and do crafts. I like to shop and I like musicals. So there has always been the need inside of me to put up a front, just to make myself feel more accepted by males and well females as well. The girly guy has lots of girlfriends... but not GIRLFRIENDS.
There was one time when a rat got into the theater and myself and another usher had to dispose of it. We took it to the back and attempted to end it quickly. It still turns my stomach to know the degree of pain that that animal felt because we don’t like rats. I know it is for health reasons, but there is still something in me that feels horrible about that incident. I’m almost in tears because I know somehow it could have been avoided. I guess I’m hypocritical because I eat meat, but I’m not sure how to resolve that issue without becoming a vegetarian. If animals shouldn’t be eaten, what makes it ok to eat plants over animals. I know someone will justify eating one form of life over another, but I think I can’t make a moral differentiation between eating animal over plant. So I accept that I will eat animals as well as plants, but the killing of animals for no reason, just isn’t for me.

Favorite scar

2010-07-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

This is the first of a game of sorts for me. I'm having friends suggest topics for me to write about. It is a way of getting me back into my writing and a bit of homegrown therapy all at the same time. So I will be revealing more of myself than I ever have in a way i have never done so... without the poetry, just the way it is... This is weird.

Favorite Scar
My favorite scar is double edged sword for me. I am not proud of how I received the scar but in the same breath it is my favorite because it is a reminder. The scar is on my stomach. I’m not proud of it because it is a result of a feeling of depression and internal pain that was so great that I felt the need to create this scar. The scar is the word PAIN. I took a paperclip and bent it so that I could use the end of it to scrape the word into my flesh. The process took about forty-five minutes to endure where I continuously carved over the same point until the letters were permanently etched in my skin. It is my favorite because it signifies the lowest point I reached after Andrew’s death. It was at this moment that I exacted revenge on my flesh for the internal pain I was feeling. I did this as opposed to taking the path I desired, which was a complete ending of that pain. Looking back I wish I hadn’t done it, but in the same instance it is a constant reminder of how low I was and I still survived my desire to end it all. Anytime I need a reminder of my own ability to survive the feelings I have of depression and hatred for this life, I just look down and know I will survive whatever it is that is happening. I am slightly disturbed by how I was able to do this, as I don’t recall the physical pain at that moment, but the healing process sure was painful. I suppose the healing process is usually the hardest part to endure in all things in life, no matter what the injury was caused by, physical, mental, or emotional.

You Must Use The Force

2010-04-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

So I have to keep telling myself that this whole college thing is a means to an end. The classes are ridiculous and I'm wondering if I am supposed to be learning anything at all. I guess I can't complain as it is easy- a lot of redundant projects, but it is easy. Not sure how those around me at the school are having difficulties.

Yesterday we had a good old fashioned water balloon fight. I do have to say it is quite the ordeal to fill that many balloons. The VA finally has sorted stuff out for us with only threats to our school finally getting us anywhere. Hopefully it'll be sorted at least for a couple of months.

A week is two years and that day is weighing heavy on my mind.

I'm fairly obsessed with An Open Ended Sky's version of "Fireflies". I'm not much for screamo type music anymore but I can sit here and listen to it over and over. It makes me smile LOL. I could probably listen to that, Moosebutter's- star wars song, weird al's white and nerdy, and Passion Pit's Sleepyhead, for the rest of my days and I would be happy... the music of Sleepyhead is like how my mind feels when its in chaos but not stressed... lol the best way for me to relate how I feel inside my my mind on a normal day that isn't filled with stress- set my mind/thoughts to that music and it seems to work.... but its too upbeat for when there dark clouds are inside. I guess I'm just trying to enjoy music again. Its something I can enjoy except when I hit certain songs- and that is only because of their connection to certain memories of the past, and they can bum me out but I endure.

I've also given up on finding someone who will understand me for me, not going to happen, but I think I'm ok with that. I'm a part of a family and thats all i really need. I may be wrong, someday someone may cross my path who recognizes me and says wait i know you- on a more mental level, not physical lol. But i know the odds of that are set against me, so i am pretty much ok with it. No sense in torturing myself with what ifs. What will be will be. But I just want to be happy and if i concern myself with all that again then I probably will just not be happy, just disappointed.

BTW Spartacus' season finale was excellent- Kill Everyone LOL- loved it.

I should probably go back and edit this, but I just don't care anymore. This is how my mind works and if I don't capitalize in the right spots too bad for me. If I was bipolar I think I'd be cycling into my manic stage tonight LOL. Anybody a psychiatrist/neurologist who wants to work pro bono to help me figure out whats up with my brain?

Good fight... lol i meant to type Good night but I like what came out so there it is.

Might as well be walking on the sun

2010-04-16T15:11:00.000-07:00

The reason i write this blog is because it is easier for me to write here on the computer and just vent as if this is my journal. I know a lot of it is unneeded for anyone else to know, and in my mind I'd prefer no one to know. But I do know that some people do want to know and it is easier for me to do this and allow them to read it so that I don't have to lie to them and say that everything is okay. Granted I don't always write about the bad things in my life or whenever I am in a bad mood. Writing is a good way to vent. I haven't been alright lately. I've been pushing myself away from reality and inadvertently from those that care. I don't like worrying about myself, let alone having others worry about me. I don't want to be that burden on someone's mind. It is my cross to bear and I will carry it for the duration of my life. The 25th of this month will be two years past that Andrew died. I can't believe it has been that long and in the same point in time I can't believe it has only been two years. I had a good cry earlier about it all and I wish I knew how to express myself better to rid myself of the constant pressure that builds up within. I feel like I'm going to explode, but that goes for any emotion that I feel. I don't know how to healthily release any emotion anymore. I don't know if that is my own doing, or if it is due to the circumstances of life that I have experienced.

I have decided to not shave or cut my hair... not sure how long it will last but I haven't cut my hair in a few months nor shaved in probably a month. I guess it is just another way to push the world away for now. Those who know me, don't really mind when I look like a scraggly weirdo, and those who don't know me- I push away with all my efforts. I don't want to bring anyone else into the darkness that seems to follow me where ever I go. Those that are left are my family- blood and friends that may as well be blood. They are the only ones left for me. I don't dream of success in this life. i dream of a day where I don't feel like this. For all I know that will be when I die, but i will continue to hope for better in this life.

I've been dealing with some medical issues not sure if they are physiological or mental, or both. As soon as I'm able I will be going to a doctor because it has gotten to the point that I need to know for myself, because I am worried about it. School is going alright, although the point to it I have a hard time keeping my eye on.

Some one on my facebook page had as their status- to type your name in Google and hit "i'm feeling lucky". so for fun I did (used my full name as christopher sheppard is a bit too common) and it brought me to a poem I wrote years ago, on a poetry site that I never posted to... at least I was given credit for the poem I suppose, although it just shows that people will read into poems what they want to see out of it, as about half the tags on the poem had nothing to do with what the poem was really about... oh well at least 685 people had read my poem, guess I can't complain about that.

I started playing Dungeons and Dragons Online a few days ago to get my RPG fix. I've never really played a MMORPG but DDO is free so I'll play it for now. I miss gaming and the interaction from it.

That's enough of an update for now I suppose, I really need to force myself to do this more often so that it isn't just when I'm feeling like utter crap.

Into The Wild

2010-03-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling lately within myself. There are aspects of myself that those of you who have known me the longest may or may not have ever even seen or noticed. I'm not a loner, as I do desire that interaction with others, but there are so many times where I am most comfortable when I am left to my own devices, left to myself; and yet these can be some of the worst times for me. I'm torn between being a man who wants to be the normal person living life in a somewhat normal fashion, and the man driven by a desire to keep moving. That overwhelming wanderlust. I always fear what would become of me if I gave in to it, and I always fear what I will become if I do not. I do not know if I will ever find a healthy balance between it all; and I know I will never succumb completely to it as long as I have people, who I love, still in my life. i do not know if it is fate or just the way I was made, to constantly feel this way. It is a duality that I find hard to understand. i want to run free in the wild, alone. I want to roam the world without the obligations, but I do not want to live this life alone. I do not want that, and it tears at me each day. Talking to my dad, he knows I have been like this since I was a teenager, If it was a phase wouldn't I have grown out of it by now? i have done my fair share of roaming yet the desire is constantly there. Am I trying to run away from something? If I am, I'm not sure of what it is, and I have been wanting to run for most of my life. Its frustrating, an oddity and a curiosity all at once. Its something that can only be explored by giving in completely to it, without restraint; but the cost of that to me seems to be too great. i wonder when I get old if those who have known me the longest, and have known me the best, if they will look at my life and say that I lived it the best way that was for me, or if they will wonder why I didn't do what they all expected to see me do... will I look back on my life and be satisfied, or will I look back with too many what ifs... and this pulls me apart inside, every day looking from both sides , from both possible paths... if only I could rip myself in two, but where is the risk of that? and i suppose that is all this comes down to, which path is the greater risk to have missed out on by not choosing it. i don't know; and perhaps that is why I have felt the way I have- maybe feeling the opposite ends of the emotional spectrum at the same exact time in the same exact quantity- maybe that is what leads one to feeling numb emotionally. I don't know, sometimes these feelings just get to me, so here I am venting them to the world.

On a somewhat different note, time just doesn't seem to match up in my mind anymore... has it only been 5 months since the trial? and yet next month is two years since Andrew died... two years, can that be real? I wake up each morning having a hard time comprehending that this life is reality.

update

2010-01-08T21:40:00.000-08:00

Well I started 4 new classes, so far so good. I have chapter 1 written- on to chapter 2. Moved into a new place. otherwise life is pretty much the same- women confuse me, I try not to understand anymore; life doesn't work out for those that deserve the best out of it; she'll never know how I really feel about her- still debating whether or not it's a good thing or not; I say I give up- but those who know me, know it isn't really in my nature- I'm just blowing off steam because I'll never snap- although I would like the opportunity someday; I miss a lot of things, and it makes me sad when it is the people I miss; I still have crazy dreams- which I guess I might as well share because what else do I have to do?:

so the dream I had a few nights ago kind of has stemmed from several other dreams that I have had in the past- very vivid dreams that I can still remember this day. They all take place in the same location but the location changes over time and it's as if these dreams take place over time as well.
The first one I had was about a year ago- the place started out as a park sort of like the springs out in the forest and I went for a walk along the paths that intertwined the rivers/streams/canals I ended up going on a long walk and turned around to come back, when I came back everything had changed and there weren't any people anymore, just lots of alligators, so that dream wound up with me trekking through the swamps fending off numerous gators.
The second dream involved the same location except now there was a large hill/small mountain coming off of the wooded swamps. I was being chased by armed men and a girl from high school was there- which was weird cause i haven't talked to her in years and we were never particularly close, but i helped her escape and hide on the hill and i had booby traps set up and guns waiting to battle the armed people with- this one occurred back in october or november.
last night's dream was in the same location except shacks had been built through out the swamp. I was being chased again by people and i finally lost them. my dad and older sister showed up and I helped give the path to my sister for her to get away- as if i had been there a long time and really knew the layout of the land and paths etc. My dad looked older and more grizzled. Some how I ended up with my friends' daughter "Z" but they weren't there, and then out of the swamp a lot of platypuses came swimming through which was an interesting sight until they started to attack us, and then the alligators showed up and started attacking. we fled and i had Z in my arms, and then we were attacked by wolves, I was bitten up and was bleeding everywhere trying not to bleed on Z because she was freaking out. I remember looking over as my dad fended off the last two wolves with his walking stick (one he actually owns) and he ended up taking the last wolf by the head and snapping it's neck as i kept my back to them while covering Z from their attack. i was all bit up and blood was pouring out and I remember looking down at Z and my blood dropping down on her face and me being more concerned about wiping it up and getting her calm and safe than i was concerned for my wounds and then i woke up.

that was my dream- and I must end this as I needed this to be a quick update; I have some weird sensory things that occur occasionally like the world melting and swirling around me- yes crazy, and right now I'm having one of those except everything is shaking so it is becoming hard to type and focus on one spot. I hope to get back into the routine soon.

Nothingman

2009-12-18T19:48:00.000-08:00

I am pretty much against making New Year's resolutions, but I have decided to set myself some goals for the coming year. Today I finally faced a fear and really started into my book. I have done a lot towards it as far as the structure of the world it is set in but the actual diving into writing the story for the first novel has been a constant fear that I haven't wanted to face. The premise of the story has it's origins in a dream I had and this dream is still deep within my mind, and it hurts. I also am afraid that my story will be crap, I know I have the creativity to think of great stories, I just am usually a poet and writing regular fiction is a new frontier for me. However this is something that has been eating away at me for the past year so I am just doing it. As I need to. I am also thinking about learning another language this up coming year. i don't really want to stay in the US after I graduate college and I know it would be far more useful if I knew another language besides English, or at least help me get to another place other than here. So besides doing well in school, those are my main goals for my future. I'm glad I have friends who inspire me otherwise I would probably let my personal issues and fears get the best of me, and I would stay forever standing still. I also find myself in the situation of wanting to say certain things to certain people but i have a lot to lose by doing so- not that what I have to say is necessarily bad, in fact in most cases it is good, I just have a fear of the reactions of others, and sometimes I feel I should just maintain the status quo. It may also just be my mind telling me it isn't the right time, as I know I have things that I must do and those things could change the outcome of said reactions. I feel I have grown a lot in the past few years changed a lot as well as stayed the same- me, and I am glad of this, I just know I have a long journey of growth ahead of me still. Which isn't frustrating as the world can sometimes be for me, but it is quite a journey, especially because I know where some of those destinations must be in myself.

Pearl Jam- Nothingman

Once divided...nothing left to subtract...
Some words when spoken...can't be taken back...
Walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking...
Future's above...but in the past he's slow and sinking...
Caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go...
Nothingman...
Nothingman...
Isn't it something?
Nothingman...
She once believed...in every story he had to tell...
One day she stiffened...took the other side...
Empty stares...from each corner of a shared prison cell...
One just escapes...one's left inside the well...
And he who forgets...will be destined to remember...
Nothingman...
Nothingman...
Isn't it something?
Nothingman...
Oh, she don't want him...
Oh, she won't feed him...after he's flown away...
Oh, into the sun...ah, into the sun...
Burn...burn...
Nothingman...
Nothingman...
Isn't it something?
Nothingman...
Nothingman...
Coulda' been something...
Nothingman...
Oh...ohh...ohh...

Tennessee

2009-12-13T20:18:00.000-08:00

Today the song is Tennessee by Arrested Development. i have loved this song since it came out way back in 92, but I have found a new love for it as I found a cover of it by New Found Glory. With that said I finished all my work for my online class, now all I have to do is show up to my other class this week and I'm done with my first two classes, which will put me further in school than I've ever been. Kind of sad but I'm glad I'm finally doing this. It's funny how a simple conversation with the right person on this computer can brighten up my evening, make me smile for no reason, well for reasons but won't get into that here, I still hold back on here. You'll have to poke and prod me but I can divulge if need be. It's just nice to have some feelings every now and then instead of just being numb. My insomnia isn't gone yet which sucks, but I am getting a couple of hours of sleep just not good sleep, and it is broken up. I usually have some sort of internal struggle going on, and I know of at least one right now beside the normal ones so I'm sure that won't help sleep tonight; but it's ok, I at least try to enjoy the time i am awake, and start appreciating life. It's a dilemma I seem to have, but I guess it is more a matter of figuring out what I really want beyond the now. That is the real question... what do I want in the long run. The answer is unclear right now, so we'll see, maybe I can try to start figuring that out. I'm also confronted more often than I would like with everything that happened with Andrew, which is natural, but I still don't know how to confront and handle these feelings, and so i try to push them down, but i need to stop that and start dealing with them somehow if I am to really figure out what I'm going to do with my life.

Arrested Development- Tennessee

Lord I've really been real stressed
Down and out, losin ground
Although I am black and proud
Problems got me pessimistic
Brothers and sisters keep messin up
Why does it have to be so damn tough?
I don't know where I can go
To let these ghosts out of my skull
My grandmas past, my brothers gone
I never at once felt so alone
I know you're supposed to be my steering wheel
Not just my spare tire (home)
But lord I ask you (home)
To be my guiding force and truth (home)
For some strange reason it had to be (home)
He guided me to Tennessee (home)

Take me to another place
Take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me
Let me understand your plan

Lord it's obvious we got a relationship
Talkin to each other every night and day
Although you're superior over me
We talk to each other in a friendship way

Then outta nowhere you tell me to break
Outta the country and into more country
Past Dyesburg into Ripley
Where the ghost of childhood haunts me
Walk the roads my forefathers walked
Climbed the trees my forefathers hung from
Ask those trees for all their wisdom
They tell me my ears are so young (home)
Go back to from whence you came (home)
My family tree my family name (home)
For some strange reason it had to be (home)
He guided me to Tennessee (home)

Take me to another place
Take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me
Let me understand your plan

Now I see the importance of history
Why people be in the mess that they be
Many journeys to freedom made in vain
By brothers on the corner playin ghetto games
I ask you lord why you enlightened me
Without the enlightenment of all my folks
He said cuz I set myself on a quest for truth
And he was there to quench my thirst
But I am still thirsty...
The lord allowed me to drink some more
He said what I am searchin for are
The answers to all which are in front of me
The ultimate truth started to get blurry
For some strange reason it had to be
It was all a dream about Tennessee

Take me to another place
Take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me
Let me understand your plan

Enjoy The Silence

2009-12-11T20:55:00.000-08:00

I'm actually kind of happy with my computer class. It is super easy but I've been able to use and learn several programs that will help my resume, which is always nice. Christmas is only a few weeks away and I'm looking forward to it this year. I just have to keep my mind on the present and not the past or it will spiral into quite a depressing day. I bought us all The Muppets' Christmas Carol and the kids have watched it several times now. It is definitely one of my favorite Christmas movies. Also if any of you watch Pandorum... good movie but orcs in space, that is all I have to say about that.The future is still so unclear which I guess is normal but I'm hoping we will all finally be able to make plans in the next month or so, whatever those plans may be. It's taking me a while to fall asleep at night, but I am finally sleeping again. I do hate insomnia very much.

Depeche Mode- Enjoy The Silence

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Enjoy the silence

Rainbowarriors

2009-12-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

Only one more week of classes and this first term of school will be done. I'm glad that I'm going back to school even if it is just to go through the motions of what is "best" for me. I guess that is life though, going through the motions for a matter of survival, that's what my life is survival. Maybe someday this spirit within me will bust out and there will be a time of reckoning- either for myself, or for others. There is a beast within that I keep at bay for the sake of those I love. The only reason I keep it at bay. There are things... memories that are in my genetic makeup- yes i do believe in genetic memory to an extent- that want to be released back on this world. But then I remember, who am I to be this way, and I subdue the feelings, push them deep into the deep well of my soul. I'm overcome with past lives I never lived.

Cocorosie- Rainbowarriors

In these times of evil spirits
Of material thugs and mischief
Fear Saint Noni's wisdom
And his love for rainbow spirits
Jealous of their faithful heart-bond
And their dancing and their laughing
Made at last a league against them
To molest them and destroy them
Saint Noni wise and heart-strong
Often said to Rainbowarrior
"O my brother do not leave me!
Lest the evil spirits harm you!"
Rainbowarrior of two spirits
Gentle hand and lion-hearted
He laughed and then he answered
Like a child he softly whispered

We are Rainbowarriors
Evil come not near
Rainbow love awaits us
With hearts of love and tears

He's dead our sweetest mother
Loving father and our teacher
He's gone from us forever
He has moved a little nearer
To the master of all laughter
To the master of all song
O my brother, O my brother
Crystal brother of two spirits
Then we gathered in a circle
Stood round the rainbow fire
Burning embers hearts united
We remembered mystical beauty
If you look hard you can find a
Rainbow trail it's deep inside ya
Fear not you're a rainbowarrior
Golden light on everything gleaming

We are Rainbowarriors
Evil come not near
Rainbow love awaits us
With hearts of love and tears

Into the ocean

2009-12-09T22:58:00.000-08:00

Day three of no smoking... well scrap that idea. I always try to quit but I don't know why. Yes there are the typical reasons, it'll save money and be better for my health, but in the end trying to convince myself that those are good reasons usually fails on an epic level. I live my life because I'm supposed to, not necessarily because I want to. I go day by day because that all I know how to do. I know many people can relate to the feeling I have a lot of time- that feeling of being misplaced in time. I don't believe I am cut out for this time period, although I know I have no choice, and i suppose I'm probably here, now for a reason. Just kind of hard to see what that reason is. Could be to just exist and fill a spot that needed to be filled. I don't delude myself with some notion that I am here for some great and immense purpose,although I could be, I just don't put that on myself when I don't know my true purpose. I feel nostalgic, more so when I see period pieces about the 60's, or things about pirates or vikings. It's an odd mixture- hippies and pirates, but I think it's that freedom that I yearn for. That throw everything to the side and set sail for whatever is to come, or wander around not worrying about the capitalistic world that surrounds me. Something about the ocean calls to me, and I'm not sure why. It's times like these that I want to just leave this world behind, but where to go? I have to be realistic, which I hate, but it is what it is. I'm hoping to at least get my degree and then maybe leave the country and at least explore the world some.

Blue October- Into The Ocean

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove that I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Across the Universe

2009-12-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

I think I may steal the idea of my friend and use song titles for each blog, whatever song I may be listening to; perhaps I'll include the lyrics as well as some nice daily reading beside my own drivel. I am on day two of no smoking. I'm using the patch and I bought the Wal-mart brand, which has gone down in quality since the last time I bought them. But here I am complaining about quality control on an item to help me quit a habit that is disgusting and costly as well. What's a boy to do? I did manage a few hours of sleep this morning, and woke up completely charged up which is insane because over the last week I've probably had a grand total of ten actual hours of sleep; and those hours were spent in deep psychotic dreams... I remember one in which I was preparing for the people coming to get me, lots of guns and ammo and some great hiding places. I seriously wonder about my dreams sometimes. I know my dreams aren't literal, but I do have some where a few days later something happens and BAM! the dream makes sense because what it was trying to say just happened. I try not to remember my dreams as they aren't too enjoyable, but maybe I should try harder and just start a dream journal and see what comes of it. Perhaps I will see how truly disturbed my psyche is.

The Beatles- Across The Universe

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of light are ringing
Through my open views inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a
Million suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

...Especially if you never go to sleep

2009-12-07T18:04:00.001-08:00

The past week has begun a cycle of insomnia for me. It happens more than I would like and it becomes highly annoying, It'll go on for a while to the point that it actually hurts to still be awake. Everyone at the house is sick including myself, so I am hoping that the cold medicine will help me get to sleep although I know it will be a tough battle at this point in the cycle. Luckily I was able to spend the day in bed... couldn't sleep but I have been catching up on season 4 of Dexter which is a good way for me to spend my time if I do say so myself. I also bought Oblivion for my computer- the 4th installment of the Elder Scrolls games. Today was also day one of no smoking, I'm on the patch right now and I'm doing ok, although there were definitely a few times that I wanted to go smoke just out of habit. I hope everyone else is doing well and able to sleep. Until tomorrow.

Waking up is hard to do

2009-12-07T00:22:00.000-08:00

Today was Jay's birthday, and we celebrated with hours of drinking and Guitar hero and some drinks, excellent combination as always. I've been getting to sleep very late and waking up is ever so hard to do. Granted insane dreams are always the norm but sometimes it is hard to roll out of bed when one's dreams are physically exhausting. the other night I injured myself in my sleep, I hurt my leg and woke up with my blanket literally drenched in sweat, and it wasn't hot in my room. I can't remember what that particular dream was about, but something tells me it is best that way. Tomorrow when I wake up I will be venturing forth on the mission to quit smoking yet again... I'm pretty good at it as I've done it many times before, but with everything else it is time. It will be difficult as it has always been my crutch to fall back on when times get tough, but I believe things are changing for the better and it is time to stop relying on that as a source of comfort. I'm also thinking about trying to learn another language, just not sure which one. Spanish of course would be highly practical, but with the karate I'm tempted with Japanese. Also Chinese and Swedish are ones I'm tossing around. I'm not the most eloquent speaker in my native tongue, so other languages have never really come easy to me, so again- another challenge. I also have to call the post office tomorrow as it seems a package was supposedly delivered to me on Friday and yet I never received it and I was home all day, as well as on Saturday, and I got other mail so I'm rather perturbed at that considering it was a package of Christmas stuff from my mom. I'm looking forward to Christmas as I spent more than I should have but it has been a very long time since I've really been able to afford to do anything for others for Christmas, but between that Jay's birthday it is time to put my wallet on lock down until the rest of my money comes in from the school. Only two more weeks of school and then my first semester or whatever is done. Until the sun wakes me from my slumber, have a good one.

Christmas music meltdown

2009-12-06T00:57:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year... Christmas time. A time I find myself fighting between enjoyment and sheer pain. I haven't been writing lately as this time of year is especially tough on me, and I hate bringing the mood down. As I sit hear at 4 in the morning listening to Christmas music, crying my eyes out trying to keep it all inside for fear the walls are too thin. I wish I could really enjoy this time of year again, but I know I never will be able to fully enjoy it ever again. As i make it my mission to live my life the best I can for him, I am going to be making some changes again: going to be quitting smoking again starting Sunday; a poem a day starting Sunday, whether they are any good i don't care, I just need to be writing more, and with that an attempt to write a blog a day starting Sunday as well; most of them will probably be short, but again it is to get me writing. Luckily I am doing well in school and am so glad I am back in college, it is a positive step forward. There are a few aspects of life that I would like to venture back into, but I honestly don't know if I ever will. Someday I would like to find someone to have a relationship with, but again where do I find the trust within to do that, without putting her through hell to just see if she is who she says she is? I know my friends will put any woman I meet through a shit storm of raw hell as well, so I honestly feel sorry for any woman I do meet who may want a relationship. I don't just have baggage I have a whole moving truck to carry the crap life has piled up. Optimistic about that aspect? not really, but I am optimistic about most other aspects of things, between breakdowns that I hide except when i type them out on here. I'll make it through yet another year, just don't play 'Little Drummer Boy' or 'Do you hear what I hear' around me or prepare for the water works.

Enya- On My Way Home:

I have been given
one moment from heaven
as I am walking
surrounded by night,
Stars high above me
make a wish under moonlight.

On my way home
I remember
only good days.
On my way home
I remember all the best days.
I'm on my way home
I can remember
every new day.

I move in silence
with each step taken,
snow falling round me
like angels in flight,
Far in the distance
is my wish under moonlight

On my way home
I remember
only good days.
On my way home
I remember all the best days.
I'm on my way home
I can remember
every new day.
On my way home
I remember
only good days.
On my way home
I remember all the best days.

And this chapter can end

2009-11-17T20:48:00.000-08:00

http://www.lcni5.com/cgi-bin/c2.cgi?071+article+News+20091117201334071071003

Man gets 30-year sentence

By Shemir Wiles

Handcuffed and dressed in orange, Gianni Spagnolo turned around to glance at the mother of the child he killed as she mouthed to him: “I love you.”

Judge Richard “Ric” Howard sentenced 36-year-old Spagnolo to 30 years in prison on third-degree murder and child abuse charges in connection with the death of 18-month-old Andrew Sheppard of Beverly Hills.

According to records, Spagnolo told police he was playing with Andrew in April 2008 when he threw the baby into the air, causing the boy to hit the ceiling and then fall to a concrete floor, hitting a wood table along the way.

Spagnolo delayed getting medical attention for the child for several hours before he was finally taken to a hospital in Ocala. The child suffered severe head trauma, an injury to his brain stem and massive retinal hemorrhaging. He was flown to Shands hospital and died a day later from his injuries.

During Tuesday’s sentencing hearing, both parents of the deceased child gave heartfelt statements to the court, but not for the same reason.

“Andrew is my son, was my son and will always be my son,” Christopher Sheppard, Andrew’s father, told Howard.

He expressed how depressed he was until the day Andrew was born and how Andrew had the remarkable ability to light up a room.

Christopher Sheppard said dealing with the loss of his son has been excruciating because Andrew wasn’t taken away from him due to an illness or unfortunate accident. He was taken by a cruel and violent act at the hands of Spagnolo, Christopher Sheppard said. He told the court he hasn’t seen an ounce of remorse from Spagnolo for what he did.

“Andrew suffered, there’s no doubt about that,” Christopher Sheppard said. And he spoke about how it was unbearable to watch his son sitting in the hospital in Gainesville.

He said the death has affected him so deeply that he moved around the country trying to forget what happen, but he couldn’t. He said he couldn’t even look at photos or videos of Andrew without crying.

However, Christopher Sheppard said it’s a burden he must carry and he still wonders what Spagnolo would have done if it was his son.

Andrew’s grandfather, James Sheppard, also submitted a letter to the court and expressed the pain he feels because of Andrew’s death. He said he was supposed to teach Andrew how to fish and that the last time he saw his grandson, Andrew gave him a big hug and wouldn’t let go. Little did he know that would be the last time he would hug him, he said.

Nevertheless, on the other side of the courtroom, Kari Sheppard placed her and Spagnolo’s 2-month-old baby in the arms of a loved one and told the court about the loving, caring man she knows Spagnolo to be.

She spoke about how Spagnolo is more patient as a father than she is as a mother and how she knows in her heart that he didn’t hurt Andrew on purpose.

Kari Sheppard said Spagnolo looked after Andrew as if he was his own son and that he even taught Andrew how to pray and blow kisses to God.

“That’s not a man who hurts children,” Kari Sheppard said.

She said she believes Spagnolo panicked and she begged Howard for leniency.

Spagnolo’s ex-wife, Jennifer Spagnolo, also spoke on her ex-husband’s behalf. She said Spagnolo taught her how to be a better person and mother.

“(Gianni) would have never, ever done this intentionally,” she said. “No way.”

People panic, she told Howard and she asked the court for compassion.

“Please, just have mercy,” Jennifer Spagnolo said.

Speaking for the first time in court, Spagnolo said Andrew’s death was an accident and that he would never abuse a child.

“I loved him like my own son,” Spagnolo said.

He apologized for the pain he said he has caused and he, too, asked for leniency.

“Your honor, please have mercy. My family needs me. My sons need me,” he said.

After arguments from the prosecution and defense on how Spagnolo should be sentenced, Howard took some time before handing down his sentence to address some matters.

Speaking to Christopher Sheppard, Howard told him to take this situation and do something positive with it like Mark Lunsford and America’s Most Wanted host John Walsh did with their unfortunate ordeals.

He also spoke about how the medical examiner, Dr. Barbara Wolf, testified during trial how the injuries Andrew sustained couldn’t have happened from hitting a ceiling or any other way Spagnolo initially told police. Tremendous force had to be used, Wolf said, and in addition, Andrew had multiple impact sites on the side of his head, which suggested repeated strikes by or against something. The amount of forced used, she said, was like taking Andrew by his ankles and slamming him against a wall.

Talking directly to Kari Sheppard, Howard said the evidence against Spagnolo was like a tidal wave. In addition, in Spagnolo’s desperate need for her to forgive him and make her believe it was an accident, Howard said he did something astonishing.

“He gave you a replacement baby,” Howard said.

And before sentencing Spagnolo, Howard asked Kari Sheppard to consider that maybe it happened like the medical examiner said it happened and not how Spagnolo said it did.

Back to life, back to reality

2009-10-27T17:21:00.000-07:00

Today I finished up my letter for the PSI. It was as quick and painless as I could make it without breaking down myself. I will glad once the sentencing is done, as I will be able to finally put the legal side of it all behind me. It has also shown me just how many people were affected by this just by know me. I am back in Florida and I am going to be going back to school. It is interesting to finally push myself to do this. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. There are a few more things I need to take care of in the life side of things but it is getting there. I am glad to finally be moving on with life, and getting something done. now I want to focus on school, my writing and maybe a relationship again if the cards fall right. I can't ask for more supportive friends and family, and this is a blessing that I will carry with me forever. I am deeply grateful for everyone, and I hope I can do something great and amazing to repay you all someday. But for now, I will do what I do.

A voice for Andrew

2009-10-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

I am at a loss for words now that the trial is over. I need to write a Victim Impact speech for the sentencing. If you want to have a say in the sentencing, and would like to help give Andrew a voice, please let me know in the next few days and I will give you the info needed. Even if you only know how it has impacted me and would like the judge to know this, let me know. i will give you the information and you can determine from there whether or not you would like to voice anything. Thank you for your support through all of this. They are doing a Pre Sentencing investigation, and it will be included in that. This is a recommendation given to judge for his decision on the sentencing.

So when do I get a call?

2009-10-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the pretrial, and I was supposed to recieve a call from the state attorney's office, from a victim's advocate(the people there to support the ictims, by being a representative when the victim can't be in court or to give information, and to make arrangements for the victims as far as the whole trial thing goes). I did not recieve a call, and when I called I was blown off. Then today, again no call, and passed off to voicemail all day. I am extremely upset with them... pissed beyond belief, and completely disheartened. I know I should have just not written that blog last night, but it is what I have been feeling, and I am glad for the friends I have. I am lucky to have people like you all in my life, and it is helping carry me through his. If it wasn't for all of you, this situation would be far worse, and the situation would be quite ugly on so many more levels. I will be spending the day tomorrow on the phone, until I get answers. I am not letting them wait to the very last second to throw my world upside down to get me to Florida. I should be recieving a bit more consideration than I have been given. I almost feel sorry for the state attorney on this case, for when I meet him face to face he is going to know exactly how upset I am with their office, whether he has any control over any of it or not, I'll bet he knows who does have some control over it all.
I am looking forward to Florida on a social level. The trial is going to suck, butb I have good friends there to support me, and to make me smile. It also makes me smile to know I have friends who care enough to just be there. I'm not sure how I deserve that but it is what I have and I am very thankful. I know his trial is going to be a trial for mself, and it will break me down to my lowest I've been for a long time, which in itself scares me, but I know with friends like the ones I have, I will get through it. metaphorically this may crush me to the point that i can't walk on, but I am blessed to have friends who will pick me up from the ground and carry me that bit further or, drag me if need be. And as I look at my bank account nearing the point of dead broke, I realize that number can reach zero, and below, and I will still be richer than so many other people.

Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM

2009-10-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

As I begin to type this blog I am reminded of an episode form "How I met Your Mother" titled "Nothing Good Happens After 2AM", and I am now questioning whether I should even continue typing. It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't sem to be true in so many cases. I do have some of my best moments in thought processing after 2A- it's when I feel alive the most, and yet when I am closest to death. When I sit alone thinking. A dangerous past time in my shoes. I believe I am like an iceberg- you only get to see 10% of it, the rest is buried beneath the deep, dark and cold. Even in these blogs and in my poems, I do not allow myself to fully be revealed. I do not know why I do not connect with others, and I feel so distant that I do not share myself completely with any one. Even physical touch is wearisome to me at times. I can't sleep when I'm touching someone else. Hugs are uncomfortable to me, even with those I do truly love. The only person I could feel that closeness and not be pu off or uncomfortable was Andrew. I loved holdng him close to me, letting him sleep on my chest and stomach, pinnng me in one spot for hours, it was worth every second. Today was the pretrial and it looks like the trial is going to finally happen. Jury selection is supposed to start on monday, and tomorrow I should find more information out. The whole day was an ordeal. I was supposed to be called by the victim's advocate to let me know what was going on with the case. Of course I had to call them- and the whole thing really upset me and I won't go into details. It's over with, I just am not happy with the court system right now. I miss Andrew so much, and I know this trial is going to trash my world all over again. I can barely hold it together most days... still. This isn't going to do much to help, except I will no longer be waiting for the trial to happen. I don't know how that will actualluy make me feel when it is said and done. I wish I could have that feeling of love and belonging that I had with Andrew, with someone, anyone. I don't think I'm a loner, but I just don't fit with people, and I am mostly ok with that, but when I sit up at 2AM wishing I had at least the ghost of my son to keep me company, to feel that warmth and love, it really gets to me. I still don't know why I am supposed to hold it together. For me? For eeryone else? I think it is more for everyone else, than for me. If It was my decision, I would be with my son, whih I know statements like that upset alot of people and get them all worried, but i'm just trying to show a little bit more than what's above the surface. It is how I really feel. The pain that I feel moment to moment, I can never describe, and I would rather not have to feel that any more, but I do and I continue on, waiting fo that day when I don't hav to feel this way anymore. Faith got me trough the begining, and it kept me out of jail, but it hasn't flled that hole. I pray, and I think they are answered, but tose answers are good enough to get me by. But I'm not able to just get by anymre. So I don't know what the next step is. Make it through the trial, I guess, and see what happens. I pray for a good utcome for my mind, whaever that ay be. I am preparing to be fully broken in another week or so. It scares me, because I have been broken, completely, several times now, and that place is not whee I like to be, but it holds me, imprisons me. These memories that I know are coming and are already stirring, haunt worse than any demonic spirit that could ever harass me. The responseof hs body to the pain it was in, writhing. The sounds of the machines setting off alarms as a spike in blood pressure would build the pressure in his head. Watching hs skin turn blue, his lips and fingers- actually seeing the life drain from him. The feeling of Andrew's body, cold to the touch, that weight, in my arms, I feel it. The feeling of his skin, cold and devoid of life when I kissed him one last time as I laid him on the hosptal bed, an empty shell. The spinning of the world as I stepped out of the hosptal room into the waiting area where everyone was. These are the memories that I have to fight off. he memoris that fight to overpower my memories of that smiling face, those sweet kisses. Reading together, dancing to music, hearing him whisper dah dah. There is such a monster inside of me that wants a release and I don't know how to control him, it is harder and harder. It doesn't get easier, only harder. Harder and harder when I realize there is no more reason to control the beast. None that I can see, and yes it is selfish, but how much more selfish is it for you to think i should hold it all in and live with this pain, and maintain a "normal" life. I just want to be allowed to explode. Instead I'll let it fester into a cancer, and keel over in my mid 40's from a massive heart attack.

Banned Book Week

2009-09-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

We are in the middle of Banned Book Week (September 26−October 3, 2009). "Banned Books Week (BBW) is an annual event celebrating the freedom to read and the importance of the First Amendment. Held during the last week of September, Banned Books Week highlights the benefits of free and open access to information while drawing attention to the harms of censorship by spotlighting actual or attempted bannings of books across the United States." Of all of our rights as Americans, I believe our First Ammendment rights are most important. Without the freedoms guaranteed by the First Ammendment none of our other freedoms mean anything.

Below is a list of books most commonly challenged in the USA in recent years. The idea that any book is challenged and that any group attempts to get any book banned is sick and insane to me.

1984 -George Orwell
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn -Mark Twain
The Adventures of Super Diaper Baby -Dav Pilkey
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer -Mark Twain
Alice series -Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
All the King's Men -Robert Penn Warren
Always Running -Luis J. Rodriguez
American Psycho -Bret Easton Ellis
An American Tragedy -Theodore Dreiser
The Anarchist Cookbook -William Powell
Anastasia Again! -Lois Lowry
And Tango Makes Three -Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell
Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging -Louise Rennison
Annie on my Mind -Nancy Garden
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret -Judy Blume
Arming America -Michael Bellasiles
Arizona Kid -Ron Koertge
As I Lay Dying -William Faulkner
Asking About Sex and Growing Up -Joanna Cole
Athletic Shorts -Chris Crutcher
Beloved -Toni Morrison
Black Boy -Richard Wright
Bless Me, Ultima -Rudolfo A. Anaya
Blood and Choclate -Annette Curtis Klause
Blubber -Judy Blume
The Bluest Eye -Toni Morrison
The Boy Who Lost His Face -Louis Sachar
Boys and Sex -Wardell Pomeroy
Brave New World -Aldous Huxley
Bridge to Terabithia -Katherine Paterson
Bumps in the Night -Harry Allard
The Call of the Wild -Jack London
Captain Underpants -Dav Pilkey
Carrie -Stephen King
The Catcher in the Rye -J. D. Salinger
Catch-22 -Joseph Heller
Cat's Cradle -Kurt Vonnegut
The Chocolate War -Robert Cormier
Christine -Stephen King
A Clockwork Orange -Anthony Burgess
The Color Purple -Alice Walker
Crazy Lady! -Jane Conly
Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat -Alvin Schwartz
Cujo -Stephen King
Curses, Hexes and Spells -Daniel Cohen
Cut -Patricia McCormick
Daddy's Roommate -Michael Willhoite
A Day No Pigs Would Die -Robert Newton Peck
The Dead Zone -Stephen King
Deenie -Judy Blume
Detour for Emmy -Marilyn Reynolds
The Drowning of Stephan Jones -Bette Greene
Earth's Children (series) -Jean M. Auel
The Exorcist -William Peter Blatty
The Face on the Milk Carton -Caroline B. Cooney
Fade -Robert Cormier
Fallen Angels -Walter Dean Myers
Family Secrets -Norma Klein
A Farewell to Arms -Ernest Hemingway
Final Exit -Derek Humphry
Flowers for Algernon -Daniel Keyes
For Whom the Bell Tolls -Ernest Hemingway
Forever -Judy Blume
Girls and Sex -Wardell Pomeroy
The Giver -Lois Lowry
Go Ask Alice -Anonymous
Go Tell It on the Mountain -James Baldwin
The Goats -Brock Cole
Gone with the Wind -Margaret Mitchell
Goosebumps (series) -R. L. Stine
The Grapes of Wrath -John Steinbeck
The Great Gatsby -F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gilly Hopkins -Katherine Paterson
Guess What? -Mem Fox
Halloween ABC -Eve Merriam
The Handmaid's Tale -Margaret Atwood
Harry Potter (series) -J. K. Rowling
Heart of Darkness -Joseph Conrad
Heather Has Two Mommies -Lesléa Newman
The House of the Spirits -Isabel Allende
How to Eat Fried Worms -Thomas Rockwell
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings -Maya Angelou
In Cold Blood -Truman Capote
In the Night Kitchen -Maurice Sendak
Invisible Man -Ralph Ellison
It's Perfectly Normal -Robie Harris
It's So Amazing -Robie Harris
Jack -A. M. Homes
James and the Giant Peach -Roald Dahl
Jay's Journal -Anonymous
Julie of the Wolves -Jean Craighead George
Jump Ship to Freedom -James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
Jumper -Steven Gould
The Jungle -Upton Sinclair
Kaffir Boy -Mark Mathabane
Killing Mr. Griffin -Lois Duncan
Lady Chatterley's Lover -D. H. Lawrence
A Light in the Attic -Shel Silverstein
Little Black Sambo -Helen Bannerman
Lolita -Vladimir Nabokov
Lord of the Flies -William Golding
Mommy Laid An Egg -Babette Cole
My Brother Sam Is Dead -James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
The Naked and the Dead -Norman Mailer
Naked Lunch -William S. Burroughs
Native Son -Richard Wright
The New Joy of Gay Sex -Charles Silverstein
Of Mice and Men -John Steinbeck
On My Honor -Marion Dane Bauer
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest -Ken Kesey
Ordinary People -Judith Guest
The Outsiders -S. E. Hinton
The Perks of Being a Wallflower -Stephen Chbosky
The Pillars of the Earth -Ken Follett
The Pigman -Paul Zindel
Private Parts -Howard Stern
Rabbit, Run -John Updike
Running Loose -Chris Crutcher
The Satanic Verses -Salman Rushdie
Scary Stories (series) -Alvin Schwartz
A Separate Peace -John Knowles
Sex -Madonna
Sex Education -Jenny Davis
Slaughterhouse-Five -Kurt Vonnegut
The Sledding Hill -Chris Crutcher
Sleeping Beauty Trilogy -A. N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
Song of Solomon (novel) -Toni Morrison
Sons and Lovers -D. H. Lawrence
The Stupids (series) -Harry Allard
Summer of My German Soldier -Bette Greene
The Sun Also Rises -Ernest Hemingway
That Was Then, This Is Now -S. E. Hinton
Their Eyes Were Watching God -Zora Neale Hurston
Tiger Eyes -Judy Blume
To Kill a Mockingbird -Harper Lee
Tropic of Cancer -Henry Miller
Ulysses -James Joyce
View from the Cherry Tree -Willo Davis Roberts
We All Fall Down -Robert Cormier
Whale Talk -Chris Crutcher
What my Mother Doesn't Know -Sonya Sones
What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons -Lynda Madaras
What's Happening to My Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters -Lynda Madaras
Where Did I Come From? -Peter Mayle
Where's Waldo? -Martin Handford
The Wish Giver -Bill Brittain
The Witches -Roald Dahl
Women in Love -D. H. Lawrence
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women's Fantasies -Nancy Friday
A Wrinkle in Time -Madeleine L'Engle

Upon more reading and research, I found that even my favorite books "The Lord of the Rings"- JRR Tolkien was burned along with some of his other books (as well as other books) by the Christ Community Church in Alamogordo, New Mexico in 2001. 2001!!!!! A book burning in America in 2001. What makes me even more upset is the pure ignorance of those dong the burning. I can see their confusion in wanting to burn some books for being "satanic" (as stupid as that idea is), but the fact that they were burning books written by a Christian author who was one of the main reasons that C.S. Lewis returned to the Christian faith. What is wrong with people? I'm proud to say that most of my favorite books have been, at some point, in the crosshairs of crazy people wanting to ban them. They must be good.

Trying to explain a concept that hurts my brain

2009-09-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

Today I made a fan page on facebook for my writing, and in doing so it turned into more than I expected, but it is going in a direction that I like and I hope I can use it not only to further the audience of my writing, but also to bring like-minded people together in a way. This was my explanation on my page:

When I first started this page, I wanted it to be used as a separation of my writing from my personal life, and my personal page, strictly for the writing and to have a page for that and anyone who would become a fan. But as I started thinking about it, the true meaning of "A Life Less Evident" came out in its creation. "A Life Less Evident" comes from a line in a poem "A Life Less Evident", that I wrote almost ten years ago, and it became almost a mantra of sorts. It became one of my most used names online. For me, it embodied how I saw myself in this world. I am in this world but my life is unapparent to the majority of this world. I can create but no one may ever see my creations. This also translated into my life as a whole. I can live my whole life and the world may never know who I am. This gave itself to the creation of personas, to names and “faces” to some of the things I did- Alifelessevident being the main one, and then The_Lost_Road. These personas were parts of me where I could create and interact, and in a way they could not be hurt. Very similar to what happens in people with multiple personality disorders, but at this point I am very aware of them, and they aren’t different personalities, merely a way of distancing myself from the world, even when there is a chance of recognition. I don’t believe that I fit in this world, and I usually don’t fit in with other people. I am ok with this. In fact I prefer it. Not to say I am a loner, as I do enjoy the company of others, however I prefer to be close to people more in proximity than in a relationship. I don’t like to get close to people for the sole reason, that I am comfortable with who I am, and most people can’t understand who that is. When the world doesn’t understand something it tends to hurt it in one way or another. So I prefer to just keep the world at an arm’s length.

With all that said, I know there are other people out there who do not fit in this world, in fact most people probably do not “fit in” , but not all of these people are comfortable with it or are not comfortable with themselves. I believe we are quite broken as people and these broken shards make us the individuals that we are. They also give us a common ground and an understanding of each other. I want “A Life Less Evident” to be an idea that grows among like minded people, a thought that yes we are ok being alone, but we can also be alone together. I find a lot of people who are artists-of all arts, have this distinct feeling f separation from the world- more in a social sense, for we feel very connected to the world itself, just not the other people. But I have also found that I get along with people who are similar to me and sometimes those interactions allow me to produce my best work. So if this makes any senses to you, or you know someone who may have an idea of how I feel about life and art, and this odd social interaction, then please become a fan or let your friend know. This is for anyone who wants to be here, for if you want to be here then you fit here. It’s that comfort level of being who you are and being ok with it, and being ok with living a life that may or may not ever be recognized by this world. This is an ever evolving idea for me, but I believe it also fits for so many other people, and just bringing them together can be a good thing. So I hope to utilize “ALifeLessEvident” and bring my writing and ideas to the rest of the world, but if not I’m ok with jut being me. I’m hoping that I can continue down this path of learning about myself, ad that maybe there are people who feel the same way about themselves in this world as I do. So this starts as an experiment and a hope that it will evolve into something else, or it may fizzle out and be nothing, but I will continue to use this as my way of thinking and to cultivate it into a way that I can live my life and feel ok about my placement in the universe, and hopefully make a connection with some other like minded people where we can share thoughts and ideas, and our creations, as well as to just lend a helping hand in the creation process when needed. We will see where it goes, and I will appreciate all thoughts, comments, ideas, rants, and sharing. So to answer my question: It is a mindset and a way of life, specific and wide open, broken and whole, it is what we are living and it is what we want to live, as well as what we want to get away from. It is my way of explaining how I feel about where I stand, and I hope I can find others who also feel separated from this world and have found a creative outlet that allows them be fine with that. Now I hope this made some sense, probably not, but it’s my first attempt at really explaining how I see things like this. This is the basis of my creation process, all my works stem from these feelings, and so I hope by giving insight into my thought process, my writing will make more sense to some of you out there. I’ll stop rambling now and allow for it to be what it is.

So now I am hoping that the true adventure has begun. I have been going full force in researching for my book. It has taken me in realms of knowledge I never thought I wold be really learning about, but it is all for the better. In the past few days i have larned way more about Viking and Arab ships, rifles, shotguns, handguns, ammunition, crossbows, and bolts than I ever thought I would. I also made those Kahlua brownies, and next time they need more kahlua- they were awesome, just need a stronger coffee taste I think. I also have been finding several beers that I actually don't mind, so I've been enjoying that as well lol. If you are on fcebook and enjoy what I have to say about life and if you like my writing please look up the "A Life Less Evident" page, and also tell anyone else who may enjoy it as well. I want to develop it with enough people on it to have some writing forums/discussions going on that may help more than myself. I would love to be able to help other writers as well. I'm hoping I'll get some feedback with ideas and comments so heres hoping that I'm getting off on the right path.

Twitter... oh my

2009-09-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

Well today was a good day for me. Yesterday I made a great dinner of SW rolls, Spanish rice, and a chipotle ranch dip. As well as lemon bars and strawberry bars for dessert. So of course there were leftovers. I also made it a point to work on some stuff for my book, and I finally found some information that I've been searching for for a while now. That made me extremely happy, as I have been looking for this tidbit for quite a while now- I would look every now and then and never quite find what it was I needed, but today found several sites that had a lot of information and more specifically- the information I needed. I was looking for the crew size for a specific type of Viking ship, and I had found all the information I needed about the vessel except for that. i also found a location nearby here that I will be able to research and use as one of my settings for the book- I have a small list of criteria and I was hoping to have a real setting to put this section of the book in, and it looks like I'll be able to do that and still go there and do the research to make the feeling real. And on another note I did get my acceptance letter from Mitchell, lol yeah real hard to do as it is a community college, but after blowing away the CPT lol I knew I was a sure thing to get in LOL. So now I just need my High School transcripts to arrive and I'll have everything I need turned in. I'm real excited to go back to school, and ready to make a go at having a chance at a decent living afterward. This has really pumped me up more to get more research going for my book.

Today I was also directed to a great website so I can catch up on a ton of shows- tvshack.net, so now there are more shows I can catch up on, as if I needed more to watch. It was also suggested to me that I should get on Twitter- thanks alot Miranda. Now I am addicted to yet another online/social tech thing. So there may be more updates on what boring thing I am doing at the moment, as well as updates on odd things that I have learned- like many little tidbits abut viking sailing vessels, and ancient Arab sailing vessels, and why magnets are called magnets lol. was an interesting day, and I look forward to tomorrow when I will be making Kahlua brownies.

late night update

2009-09-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well I haven't blogged in the past few days so I guess I should do a little update. Right now I am in NC and am going to be applying to a community college here. Right now it is what seems to make the most sense for what I want and what I am doing. I am really excited about the prospect of going back to school. But with everything in my life I realize something else may happen to change the path i'm on. I know what I want, but what I want doesn't usually affect how my life will flow, and I have come to a great acceptance of this and it makes me quite peaceful to know that no matter what happens, i know i'll be ok. So with that said I am ready for the adventure, I am ready for life again and am excited by the many possibilities that are presenting themselves. I am gracious for a loving family, and am thankful for my true friends who are there in so many ways, and at so many different times, but they all fit in when they are needed most and I cannot thank my Maker more for that. I love again, and yet i am this weird person with such a disturbing sense of humor at times lol. I am becoming happy with myself, and am relearning who i am. I am really coming to acknowledge who i truly am and am accepting it as a good thing. I am finally happy again, and happy to live, and ready to do so at that. I can't wait to come to florida, despite the circumstances, and see my friends.

just a small curiosity

2009-09-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

I was just curious if those who read this blog go to the blog I have called "From Another Mind"? I post a lot of videos and such from other people on there, and so I don't like to mix it all with my postings on here, so I'm just curios if anyone reads that one at all. I do usually post the videos on facebook and such so I'm sure that gets some of you to watch them there. Well thanks for reading was just wondering if the posts get read, or if it's just a good archive for myself to go back and see some of the things that have crossed my path lol.

Labor Day: LARP, LOST, a DC bomb, and a piece of gum that got around too much

2009-09-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

Well today is Labor day, let me hold back my enthusiasm. I had a very lazy day of just watching DVDs and messing around online. there nay be spoilers about movies or shows, so read with caution.

I watched "Role Models" and was quite happy with it. I've been looking forward to seeing it for a while. I've been enjoying Paul Rudd's performances since he had a role on Friends at the end of the series. Since then he has been in some of my favorite comedies such as 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and recently- I Love You, Man. Its funny to see him in tiny roles in the past, but since he has joined with the group of comedic geniuses of this era, I am always excited to see him in movies. So it really interested me to see him as one of the writers for Role Models. Throw in Seann William Scott and a funny pairing is formed. The supporting cast is great. I love how all of these comic actors are all in each others movies, they are funny and they work well on screen together. Christopher Mintz-Plasse (the ever popular McLovin from Superbad) plays a kid who basically loves to LARP (Live Action Role Playing). They do the LARPing world justice, and in the special features they go into detail about how they did that aspect and how much the actors got into it. They treated it with respect (which is cool, even though alot of us table top gamers find it rather amusing) and they let the reality of it speak for its self, which in many cases can border on just ridiculous lol. Elizabeth Banks(Zack and Miri Make a Porno, 40 Year Old Virgin, Scrubs, the Spiderman movies) is great as usual. Jane Lynch(40 Year Old Virgin, The L Word), Ken Jeong(Knocked Up, Pineapple Express, The Hangover), and Joe Lo Truglio(I Love You, Man, Pineapple Express, Fanboys) amongst other recognizable comedic actors bring a support cast that kept the movie funny through out. I wasn't disappointed with this one, and it brought an element of pure nerdiness that I totally appreciated.

I FINALLY have watched some of the show LOST. When it first came out I just didn't have the time to watch it, and after missing half the episodes of the first season I heard it was a complicated show to follow, so I just never watched it. So now that everything is out on DVD I can finally start seeing some of the shows I've missed- Lost being one of them. I watched all of season 1 in two days, and it was a decent show. It took a while to really pull me in, but by the end when you start seeing the small coincidences and connections, it definitely had my attention. I do have to say that it doesn't have the pull that Heroes had on me when it first came out, but I will definitely be checking out the other seasons. The acting was good and I appreciated seeing a few familiar faces- Dominic Monaghan(Merry in the LOTR trilogy), Matthew Fox(LOL Party of Five), and Harold Perrineau (Link in the last 2 Matrix movies, Oz, and Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet- which is how I recognized him lol, love his role in that version). Overall it is a god show, although I was kind of disappointed with some of their special effects- namely the bear, and the black fog/smoke thing- but the exploding man was great and I got a good laugh out of that surprise, although it was almost to be completely expected.

One of the first comic books I can remember owning was a graphic novel/collection of the Death of Superman comics. I got it for my birthday when I went out with my grandparents. Shortly after I got the collection/book of the Funeral For a Friend story arc, and then I really got into comic books, and bought all of the Reign of the Supermen comics. Other than those stories, I never really got into DC comics. i read the occasional Batman or Superman story arc, but for the most part I was a Marvel kid, and still am to this day. I just could not get into the DC characters and stories like I could with Marvel. Not sure why exactly, I just found my favorite characters to all be in the Marvel universe. That being said, those Superman story lines have always held a place in m nerdy little heart, as they were what basically got me into comic books to begin with. I remember reading the Death of Superman, and almost crying when he died, and I was 10. So I have always imagined these stories making a great movie series, preferably live action, but as it seems in my opinion, they can't pull off any good superman movies. I was not a fan of the old movies or the new one. But I saw this cartoon o the shelf Superman:Doomsday, and my heart jumped in my chest. Could it be? Did they do my favorite Superman story? And to make a short answer of it: yes and no. As a movie separate from the comic books, it was decent little superman cartoon. However when compared to the source material, it took very little from it. They covered all 3 story arcs in one short animated movie, and did not do a very good job at it. It was rated PG-13 so it could not have been geared towards smaller children, but it surely wasn't geared toward the fan either. The fight between Superman and Doomsday was very short, and a bit anti-climatic. There was no real Funeral for a Friend, as none of Superman's friends were in the movie, none of the JLA was in the movie, which took away from the immensity of Doomsday, since he rolled through the whole JLA before he went on to kill Superman. The only things they took from the comic books, was a fight between Doomsday and superman resulting in their deaths, a superman clone, and the return of Superman with long hair and a black outfit. A small cameo by Kevin Smith was nice, especially if you get the reference his character is making. There was also a part that I really cracked up at: When Lex Luthor realizes that the superman clone is no longer under his control, his "Ah Hell" just made me bust out laughing. Otherwise the movie was not worth the time it took to watch. I'll stick with the comics, and never expect much out of any Superman movie... ever.

Last but not least i watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. This was probably the most satisfying to watch with Role Models coming right behind it. The soundtrack was great and kept the mood of the movie right on track. I love movies like this because I find myself rooting for the main character so much and I just feel a connection to a character like the one Michael Cera(Superbad, Juno, Arrested Development) plays. He does a good job in his usual role and I found it easy to be sympathetic towards Nick. Norah is played by Kat Dennings(Charlie Bartlett, 40 Year Old Virgin). She is gorgeous lol. The supporting cast was quite nice with small parts by John Cho(Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, Star trek) plays a hype man at a club; Eddie Kaye Thomas(the American pie movies, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle) plays a gay man dressed as Jesus for a several second appearance; Andy Samberg(SNL, I Love You, Man, Hot Rod) plays a bum; Jay Baruchel(Fanboys, Knocked Up) plays a DB boyfriend; and Kevin Corrigan(Superbad, Pineapple Express) Just sits on a bench with food in his hand lol. The movie was cute and it was pretty feel good, and I definitely think the music made the movie what it was. It should be noted that you should never leave your drunk- half passed out friend with a group of strangers, waking up in a strange van with no one you know could cause problems lol. Also before I forget- there is a piece of gum that travels from mouth to mouth in this movie in a most disgusting way, and if everyone knew where it had been LOL- so gross and so funny. If you watch the movie, make note of the travels of this one piece of gum. All in all it was a darn good movie. and to quote a drunk guy from the movie: "I love you so much, it's retarded."

glad to be back in the merry old land of Blog

2009-09-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm getting back into a routine to blog. Right now I'm having a nice relaxing week watching the apartment and dogs of my friends here in NC. Sitting down and getting back into some of my geek/nerd habits, it is glorious to have the ability to watch G4 again, and as I type, being able to watch Olivia Munn on Ninja Warrior, has just made my day, or week, or month... it may be a good competitor for the year lol. I rented a video game Kingdom Hearts Re:Chain of Memories that i've been playing. Its decent, and has just been a while since I've sat down and played any video games, so I'm just enjoying that aspect as well. Plus an RPG of sorts with Disney characters makes me happy. I also have the first season of Lost to watch. I think I am going to have a marathon tomorrow and watch Lost- as I have never seen a single episode and everyone says it is an awesome show, I will see for myself. So I'm hoping I like it so I don't have to think everyone I know is crazy for liking it.

I also watched "Last House on the Left", which didn't shock me as much as I thought it was going to. I knew the premise of the movie, and knew it was going to be intense, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Granted it was still pretty sick and twisted, but no more than what happens on the news everyday. I was expecting the violence to be far more... violent and graphic considering what movies are able to get away with now, I guess it just didn't seem as realistic for me... maybe I'm just a bit twisted, but when I see a revenge movie, they people getting revenge never push the envelope like I would if I found myself in that situation... and I guess that's why I'm grateful that I try to follow the beliefs I have, so that I am not put in a position where i will actually put my humanity aside and do those things.. it has always been a line that i know i could cross, which has always scared me, but I guess it is that self control to not cross that line that is something to be glad of.

Otherwise right now I'm playing catch up on some shows and on some past webcomics that I haven't really been able to keep up with while I was out west. I have a few movies to watch tonight, so I'll talk about those tomorrow, if they are worth noting.

So close to DragonCon and yet so far

2009-09-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

Well Jen and Alison have left for Florida/Bahamas and I am house/dog sitting for a week. I've loaded up on movies, video games and junk food. There is beer in the fridge and liquor in the cabinet. I don't think I'll get bored and the dogs ae happy as long as they are fed and walked, and get to chill on the couch lol. I didn't hear about Dragon Con happening until a few days ago. It's in Atlanta, so it's close, yet so far away lol. It would have been great to go to, but I guess I have things to do. My life is progressing forward, and I'll hopefully have time for my conventions soon enough. When Alison gets back, I will be checking out the college here, and we will see what they have to offer. I love the area, and I love being able to hang out with Alison again. LOL i'm just happy to have some G4 to watch right now, I have missed AOTS a lot, and oh Olivia Munn lol. But I'm trying to get back to writing my blogs, my dear diary to the world. This week should be good, sometimes I like to be in isolation, and this provides me with that time to myself.

And so it begins... again

2009-08-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

So it has been quite awhile since I have blogged, and I guess now is as good a time as any. Denver was an interesting experience; not to say a bad experience or even a good experience, there was a bit of both all wrapped together. I made some awesome friends and a great job connection. I also moved into a much better place mentally and even spiritually. Alot of things that were clinging on from my past were able to be purged away and I came back east feeling more alive than I have in a very long time. With that being said I am now in Greenville yet again, at least until tomorrow when Alison is coming to pick me up and I will be staying in Statesville, NC for a little bit.
I am currently going through the works to try and get myself back to school, I am shooting for the spring semester. There are many options before me as far as where to go, but the two best ones that I have seen are Mitchell Community College in Statesville, or Rasmussen College in Ocala. Now they both have huge advantages and they both have big disadvantages. I will be checking out Mitchell while I am in NC, and I hope that will answer a lot of questions I have remaining. I'm not sure which I'm going to try for but I will obviously have to make a decision sooner than later. But then what does one base those decisions on? The cost will be about the same at both. They both have a program very close to what I'm looking for. Both are here in the south so at either location I have very good friends nearby. Not sure what I should be looking at besides the normal things- they are both pretty equal in my eyes as far as institutions to go to. So do I base it on the friends there? Do I base it on the jobs in the area? Do I base it on what there is to do in the area? not quite sure what's going to be my final decision, but I am open to any suggestions, make me think outside of the box. Ocala is always Ocala- so that is always a positive and a negative all wrapped up together- It is always comfortable, but that comfort dwindles rapidly, and do I really want to be living there again? It holds a lot of my friends, and I do miss them, but is that reason to live there again? I set myself on a goal to start living life a again, and I need to start living my life for me, so ultimately my decision will have to be mine and made for what I feel will benefit me the most.
I still have some time and I will be checking them out. Feel free to give your input, I need outside perspectives on it all, probe my mind and make me thin, make me come to a conclusion that I can look at and be happy that I thought it through. But either way I should be in the south for a little while anyway, so I hopefully will get around to visiting everyone in the near future, regardless of where I end up going to school.

so this is denver

2009-03-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

well, quick update, for everyone out there. i'm doing well, have a job lined up in a couple weeks, been searching for others etc. been walking my butt off, but i could use it lol. otherwise things are well, i think i'm adjusting fairly well, besides the utter lack of my ability to talk to people... it takes me time lol. but the buses here are easy and i'mjust hoping to hear back from some of the other places i've applied to. I'm using a library computer, so no pictures fr a while, but i should be able to check emails etc fairly often. so there it is, give me a call if you have my number, if you don't and want to give me a call, ask for the number lol. so there it is. i need to do some writing tonight, i don't think there will be much else for me to do.

Denver and more

2009-03-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

Well I am all completely packed up now, and I leave for the airport at about 3:30Am tomorrow morning. I am ready for this next step in life. I'm not sure how long I will be without the internet, but I will update as soon as possible.

A friend of mine, Tammy, wrote this is in her blog and I thought I would share it with everyone else:

MY CHILDREN NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME. AN IN LOVING MEMORY LETTER/POEM
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Life
PLEASE READ THE BOTTOM. IT EXPLAINS THE REASON THIS WAS WRITTEN. (FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES)
"BUT JESUS SAID "LET THE LITTLE CHILDREN COME TO ME, AND DO NOT FORBID THEM; FOR OF SUCH IS THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN." MATTHEW 19:24
IN LOVING MEMORY
ANDREW AIDAN SHEPPARD
OCTOBER 25, 2006 -APRIL 25, 2008
A LETTER TO HEAVEN DELIVERD TO YOU
A LETTER TO HEAVEN BECAUSE WE ARE THINKING OF YOU
A LETTER TO HEAVEN TO SHINE A LITTLE LIGHT
A LETTER TO HEAVEN TO SAY WERE ALRIGHT
A LETTER TO HEAVEN SO HAPPY SO TRUE
A LETTER TO HEAVEN TO SAY WE MISS YOU
A LETTER TO HEAVEN TO TELL YOU HOW LUCKY WE ARE
A LETTER TO HEAVEN TO THANK GOD FOR SENDING US A SHINNING STAR
A LETTER TO HEAVEN TO SAY HAVE FUN WHEN YOU PLAY
A LETTER TO HEAVEN IN OUR HEARTS YOU WILL STAY
A LETTER TO HEAVEN SO HIGH UP ABOVE
A LETTER TO HEAVEN TO SEND YOU OUR LOVE.

TONIGHT MY SON BROUGHT SOMETHING TO MY ATTENTION. HE MISSES ANDREW MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. MY SON IS EXCITED HE IS IN HEAVEN WITH (HIS JESUS) BUT LATELY HE HAS BEEN CALLING HIS COUSIN NOAH, ANDREW SO WE SAT DOWN TO HAVE A TALK AFTER HE CALLED NOAH ANDREW AGAIN TONIGHT. MATTHEW WANTS TO SEE HIM AGAIN AND I TOLD HIM HE HAS TO WAIT " I TRIED MY HARDEST TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING AS I DID BEFORE AND MY EYES TEARED UP AND HE TOUCHED MY FACE AND SAID MOMMY DON'T CRY ANDREW IS WITH MY JESUS AND JESUS IS TAKING CARE OF HIM AND HE'S OKAY. " SO I ASKED HIM WHY DO YOU CALL NOAH ANDREW THEN.......HIS RESPONSE WAS BECAUSE HE IS JUST LIKE ANDREW.HE THEN SAID HEY MOM CAN I WRITE A LETTER TO HEAVEN TO GIVE TO ANDREW. I FIGURED IF IT MADE HIM FEEL BETTER IT MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER TOO SO I WROTE ONE AS WELL........I PRAY GOD WAS LOOKING DOWN AT MATTHEW AND DELIVERS HIS MESSAGE. I PRAY EVERYONE FINDS PEACE AS MATTHEW HAS. A CHILDS MIND IS SO DIFFERENT FROM OUR OWN. I ASKED MATTHEW TO DESCRIBE HEAVEN HE SAYS THEY HAVE THE COOLEST TOYS THERE AND THAT YOU DON'T NEED BANDAIDES BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET BOO BOO'S, THERE'S ONLY GIGGLES AND FUNNIES IN HEAVEN. IF I DIDN'T ALREADY BELIEVE IN GOD OR HEAVEN I WOULD OF AFTER OUR LONG TALK........( I DIDN'T POST IT ALL HERE BECAUSE IT WOULD TAKE PAGES. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE INTERESTED IN HIS MESSAGE HERE IT IS WITH CORRECTED SPELLING :) HE ALSO DREW PICTURES........I WILL TYPE WHAT HE DREW AS WELL

ANDREW I MISS YOU I GOT A NEW DINOSAUR HIS NAME IS REX ( HE DREW A T-REX) I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU THIS IS MY HEART ( HE DREW A HEART) YOUR IN MY HEART SEE YOU (HE DREW ANDREW)
I LOVE YOU,
MATTHEW NUZZI

Its amazing how children see the world and I wish we all could see it that way. I will talk to everyone soon, and will update my blog as soon as I can.

Moving to Denver, a little over a week away

2009-03-06T11:20:00.001-08:00

So it is official, i am finally going to Denver. I bought my tickets and am going to be flying out there- thanks to Murray and Sara. I leave the morning of the 16th, so it may be a a little while before i am able to make it back online. I've been sending out resumes, and filling out as many applications as possible, as well as making lists of places to apply that do not have online applications. I'm hoping I will get at least a call from someone for an interview before i leave so i can have that already in motion when i get there. I'm excited about the many prospects this move can potentially bring for me, a chance at a new beginning of sorts. I'm ready to get back to work and I have some goals for my future now. Its funny how through the worst year of my life I have suddenly become quite the optimist, for the most part any way lol. Now I just need to pack up my belongings and see what I can cram into two suitcases to take with me.

Words sung too soon

2009-02-17T20:45:00.001-08:00

Where came the words
From whence I fell
Where came the words
That put me in this hell
I sing a song
Without a tune
I sing a song
Words sung too soon
I build a wall
Everyday
I build a wall
Wish I could say
I took my chance
And cast my lot
I took my chance
When life was sought
I cannot begin
To open wide
I cannot begin
To show the tears I’ve cried
And heaven may help me
As I fall away
And heaven may help me
Get through this day
But I live in despair
Trying to find my hope
But I live in despair
Trying only to cope
When will this life
Redeem its self
When will this life
Put me back on the shelf
I cannot be sure
Which lies to believe
I cannot be sure
When all will deceive
I want a mended heart
So I can go on
I want a mended heart
So I can see the dawn
Wouldn’t it figure
That you aren’t there
Wouldn’t it figure
That I wanted to care
There’s no outward sign
That I am breaking
There’s no outward sign
Of what I am taking
To the grave
I wish at a hastened pace
To the grave
So I can see your face

Inglourious Basterds

2009-02-11T18:54:00.000-08:00

I can't wait

I fear the words that will come

2009-02-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

How do you sum up life in a few minutes of speech? How do you quantify a life, when your own feels worthless? When the moment comes and it is all on the line, I fear the words that will come.

what to say

2009-02-02T11:48:00.000-08:00

Well its been a while since I've really written a regular blog, and i've been meaning to; just seems that life is kinda at a stand still for me, but everything is getting closer- the trial, the move. both of which I will be glad to have done with. I'm definitely ready to get out to Denver, I'm a bit worried about the finding a job, but I'm sure that will work itself out quickly enough. This is definitely the first time I've had to "worry" about finding a job. I've had either a serious case of writer's block or maybe ADD lol either way, haven't done much writing... I'm definitely lacking the focus. I've been really re-evaluating my life and trying to figure out my purpose so to speak. I'm trying to figure out that healthy balance of what do I want to do for myself, and what do I want to do for others. I have rather large goals for my life, but I also have some big dreams about being able to help out other people. I seem to bounce from extremes and that middle area is usually hard for me to find. I just want my life to have meant something- to have made a bit of a difference in the lives of those around me and in the lives of some complete strangers as well. I'm not big on the idea of wanting to be famous, I just want to make a a difference. Sabrina was kind of on the same wavelength as that yesterday and was telling me about something she's going to get involved in: www.takethewalk.net I'm excited for her to have found a cause she wants to get behind. well I guess thats it for now, not too much of an update in life, but more to come soon- the days are passing quickly enough

just a few thoughts

2009-01-31T11:28:00.001-08:00

These are just a few things I've been pondering on the past few days, applied not just to fighting but rather looking at it to their relation to life in general.:

"Do not be tense, just be ready, not thinking but not dreaming, not being set but being flexible. It is being "wholly" and quietly alive, aware and alert, ready for whatever may come."

"One should not respond to circumstance with artificial and "wooden" prearrangement. Your action should be like the immediacy of a shadow adapting to its moving object. Your task is simply to complete the other half of the oneness spontaneously."

"Art is the expression of the self. The more complicated and restricted the method, the less the opportunity for expression of one's original sense of freedom. Though they play an important role in the early stage, the techniques should not be too mechanical, complex or restrictive. If we cling blindly to them, we shall eventually become bound by their limitations. "

"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. "

"Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend."

All spoken by Bruce Lee... interesting when he speaks of it in terms of fighting, but even more interesting when you take it in terms of living.

I find this sad

2009-01-14T10:42:00.000-08:00

I found this Newsweek article and well, it made me kinda sad. Yes we all know that smoking may not be healthy, but who smokes and doesn't know that? Its sad to see the Paris of old is dying out, guess that should be the first place i hit if i ever get to travel, just to try and find a bit of the old Paris, before its completely gone. Its funny how I don't always see progress as it is as being necessarily good. Well that may have to be ablog unto its self. we'll see if the muse takes me later on.

Ballad of the Sad Cafes
How Paris is coping with its bistro smoking ban.

Christopher Dickey
Newsweek Web Exclusive
This winter, the coldest Paris has seen in years, the sidewalks in front of many cafés are full. Under electric heating lamps or cozied up close to the blue flame of propane burners, customers sip their coffees or their Cokes or maybe the rare glass of wine or beer or pastis, and they smoke. For a year now the inside of the café, even a "café-tabac" that has a license to sell cigarettes and cigars, has been off limits to those who want to light up.

The ban was a long time coming, and the French are, as they are wont to do, accommodating modernity with perversity, adapting to the world's changing norms in their own way and their own good time. But there's no question that something of the old Paris—something essential, it seems to me—has gone. A process of sanitation and homogenization, banalization and alienation is well under way, and probably unstoppable.

Tourists, of course, still come expecting the city of the '20s, of Ernest Hemingway's A Moveable Feast, and at first glance it looks much the same. The municipality has been careful to retain elegant facades. But behind them are fewer and fewer actual homes, more and more open-plan offices with suspended ceilings. The life of the city of lights is being hollowed out. And the cafés that once served as lounges for the poor, meeting rooms for businessmen, tabletop ateliers for artists, are losing not only clientele but the conviviality that was their true raison d'être.

The smell was part of that. The American author Thomas Wolfe, in his 1935 novel Of Time and the River, wrote about "the corrupt and sensual, subtle and obscene" odors of the café mingling smoke and alcohol and humanity. But about two decades ago the acrid tar scent of Gitanes and Gauloises already had ceded to the paper and chemical fumes of Marlboros, and now even that is swept away on the icy breezes blowing down the boulevards.

The cafés themselves have been disappearing for decades, their meals highly taxed, their former clients pressed for time. One thinks, as one does when faced with disaster, that it can't happen to Monsieur Coquelle on the Rue Saint-Honoré, but then he loses his lease and the building is now a construction site for a collection of new boutiques. The Saint-Philippe a few blocks from the Champs Elysées has become a dreary little hotel bar. So I have been clinging to Le Central, a café-tabac near my apartment, where the patron, 71-year-old Roger Peresse has always been a fount of opinions about history and politics, and of common sense about his own business.

"Why aren't you out protesting?" I asked him in 2007, when other owners were marching in the streets trying to make a last stand against the smoking ban. "You cannot fight the times," he said. "People are smoking less. They do not want this any more." In 2003, he said, he sold 30,000 units of cigars and cigarettes. In 2007, he sold 14,000. Always proud of his collection of Havanas, they used to account for more than 30 percent of his business, now there were days when he sold only one or two. "A cigar is about pleasure, and pleasure no longer exists," said his wife Madame Peresse, who also runs the establishment, along with their son, in the old French family way. (She never will give me her age or her first name: "Madame will do," she'll say.)

Monsieur Peresse always met the day with good-humored fatalism, accepting not only the decline of smoking, but the decline of drinking—the two staples of his business. When he started out in the 1960s, alcohol was a continuous ritual for many a French working man: coffee and calvados to start the day, maybe "le blanc," a glass of white wine later in the morning, l'apéro, or aperitif, before lunch, red wine with the meal, another calvados, another apéro in the afternoon, more red wine with dinner. He would laugh and shake his head, almost amazed at the memory. And then he would ask who was going to win the American elections. (He liked McCain.)

In recent months, I'd often missed Monsieur Peresse, and when I saw him he described his fight against cancer with a single, simple remark. "From here to here," he told me one day, putting his hands on his solar plexus and just below his belt, "it's Verdun," the devastated battlefield of World War I.

Maybe all those years in the smoke-filled café were part of the reason for his ailment. That's not an unreasonable assumption. But his doctors told him he should keep going back to Le Central, even when he could no longer work. They hoped the conviviality would keep him going where their treatments failed. At considerable expense, the café rearranged its walls to accommodate a little Siberia for smokers outside, and many still huddle there at lunch or in the early evening. But inside, apart from the lunch hour, the place was empty. In December, after the slowest month that Le Central had seen in 20 years of business, Monsieur Peresse died. I cannot help but feel that, too, is somehow a sign of the times.

Creatures (For A While)

2009-01-12T18:44:00.000-08:00

I've been looking for a song that has really fit my mood- been not in the poetry writing mood, so maybe someone elses- and found this 311 song that really fit how i'm feeling right now.

311- Creatures(For A While)

My name is volatile
I've been this way a long while
I'd surely like to rest
But the energy gets the best of me
It's been a wild ride
I wouldn't change a minute
I can't slow down inside
Guess that's why I live it
Watch It Now

The years of mischief
Followed by weeks of thrift
I land on earth's hard face
No legs could keep that pace
And through the rest I sift

Is there ever a time
When the state of sleeping willingly leaves my mind

Highly frustrated wanna feel elated
Come monday morn you feel checkmated
You can be uncool and become the rule
Exceptions were made to drown

I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins the outs the ups and the downs

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, Just creatures
It comes and goes and comes and goes

Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

I know what you we're gonna say
But were afraid to cause dismay
You're lyrics switched around
The mixture watered down
And now a pointless display

It's something one won't understand
Unless there in it with me hand and hand

Don't buy the fear don't buy that my dear
The things you love you must keep near and
Carry on and you won't feel withdrawn
Even if you're coming down

Sometimes it's wearable sometimes is bearable
I careen towards balance til' the glass is full

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, just creatures

It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes
Sometimes I get a little out there
Sometimes I go off
Sometimes just like you
Watch It now
I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do
Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

look at me still talking when theres science to do

2009-01-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

So I finally pulled my act together and found a bit of inspiration and started my dang fantsy novel. i'm sure it'll be a fairly slow process but now that i've finally got it started I can get going on it. That has been my struggle- trying to just find my begining. I'm really not too worried about whether its written very good right now or not, thats what editing and rewriting is for. i'm very happy to just have it start. its step one toward that goal of writing a book. Looks like denver is on the near future, we're waiting for those w-2s and tax money and then its on. I'm extremely pumped about it. i'm ready for the next step in my life.

WARNING: if you haven't finished playing "Portal" and don't want to know some of the ending do not read further. I haven't played the game although i've got friends who have but I found the end credits song and I love it. I don't even know how I stumbled upon it but well here it is for your enjoyment:

Still Alive- by Jonathan Coulter

This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here:
HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.
Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying
over every mistake.
You just keep on trying
till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are
still alive.

I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data
make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are
still alive.

Go ahead and leave me.
I think i prefer to stay inside.
maybe you'll find someone else
to help you.
maybe Black Mesa...
THAT WAS A JOKE, HA HA, FAT CHANCE.
Anyway this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist
look at me still talking when theres science to do
when i look out there
it makes me glad I'm not you
i've experiments to run
there is research to be done
on the people who are
still alive.

and believe me I am still alive
I'm doing science and I'm still alive
i feel fantastic and I'm still alive
while your dying ill be still alive
and when your dead i will be still alive
still alive
still alive

Happy Christmas!!

2008-12-24T11:10:00.001-08:00

So I chose to be alone for the next nine days- i don't think i've ever been alone to myself for that long. yeah i still have phone and internet, but no face to face human contact for the next nine days lol. But I have a ton of movies to watch (LOTR marathon, Harry Potter marathon, and some various comedies and horror movies lol) and some books to read, and the expansive internet to quench any boredom. I'm going to go crazy baking things for myself in a little bit. I have some ham and rolls and stuffing for my Christmas dinner. I'm looking forward to just enjoying this time. I'm not dwelling on the things that could make it sad, rather going to dwell on the things that make me happy. So I hope everyone is safe during the holidays, and have a good time. Remember life is to short to get all caught up in the crap- something i'm learning myelf. So smile, and a big hug to all my friends. :-) I love you guys, Happy Christmas!!!

I need more time

2008-12-21T10:50:00.000-08:00

I know this isn't how the song was intended but i hear it and sing it and i can only think about Andrew and how things happened and how i just wish i had more time with him, even just a few minutes. This holiday season has done a number on me, and i'm trying to find the joy in the season, but it is hard without Andrew. But I'm trying to remember last year giving him his presents and seeing the joy in his eyes and the excitment when he realized what was going on and those gifts were for him. I love how he couldn't be bothered with the toys when he got the books, and just sat there flipping through them. And I love how he climbed in the back of that dumptruck and wanted to be pushed around. I just hope that everyone who has children and is reading this will take a moment to just think about how lucky they are to have those children in their lives, and how blessed they are. Please give them an extra hug, and then give them an extra hug for me.

I promised you the world again
Everything within my hands
All the riches one could dream
They will come from me

I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside

I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

We’re off to new lands
So hold on to my hands
It’s gonna be alright
It’s a whole lot brighter
So stand by the fire
It’s gonna be alright
Yeah, the road gets harder
But it’s not much farther
It’s gonna be alright
You know that it ain’t easy
Please believe me
It’s gonna be alright

Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

The Reason for the Season... or is it?

2008-12-13T19:33:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I am not writing this to offend or hurt anyone in anyway. I’m not judging how you celebrate or what you do. It is merely a collection of my thoughts and observances that I have come to through my own research and evolution of thought. It is meant to be informative, not judgmental. I hope you enjoy the information, and I am always willing to discuss it. It mainly came to me to write this as a sort of response to the idea that Christ is being taken out of Christmas, and that there is some sort of “war on Christmas”. I just wanted to inform the reader of where our traditions come from. I kind of wrap it up quickly at the end so I hope it comes out as a decent read if not I apologize. But it was fun to research and write... Happy Christmas everyone.

December 25th. Christmas. Known as the “the most wonderful time of the year.” It is a day that is set out on the calendar to mark the birth of Jesus Christ, a religious holiday for Christians, or is it? I am a Christian, or a follower of Christ to be more accurate. As I have grown, I have ventured through many stages of religious belief, from being a devote Christian, to being agnostic, to almost being a full blown Buddhist, as well as many things in between. But in the end I returned to the faith I have known for so long. I always find it funny that Christians are usually pinned down as being closed minded especially about religion, yet the majority of religious intolerance I have found has been from non-Christians towards those that believe in Christ and His teachings. With that being said, I am not attacking Christianity or Christians with this. I have merely taken the time to do some research and soul searching of my own and these are merely the conclusions of that. I do not care how other people celebrate holidays, if they choose to do so. I have just had a problem with the idea of it for a while now, and the main reason is this: How can I clam to be celebrating a religious holiday when it is not formed from my religion?

Now to understand where I am coming from on this, we’ll have to explore the origins of Christmas and its traditions. It is a question that crept up in my mind when I was trying to find out why we don’t go to church on Friday night like Jews go to synagogue, and why we do not celebrate the holidays that are in the Bible. It was questions like these that made me start to question why I celebrate Christmas, and other holidays at that. The answer for me was Christmas was a day to mark the birth of Christ and to celebrate it. Of course, except maybe when I was small, I never thought December 25th was the actual birthday of Jesus of Nazareth. So then the question arises why December 25th of all the days? Was it picked because it was at least in the general time frame of when He was most likely born? That’s where the beginning of my research took me, and it opened my eyes to a lot of things that I had never know, things I had always taken for granted as just being what they were. It gave me the opportunity to really learn something about history in general that I don’t think most people know, because they just assume it is what it is and never take the time to see for them selves. Which I don’t really blame people on that too much, Christmas is an institution, a tradition celebrated in a large portion of the world. Like most things in life we just go with what we were taught in school, or in church. So hopefully this will at least teach you something you may not have known before. I hope it doesn’t sour you towards anything. I am just putting information out there that I did not know before and I found to be intriguing.
So the first question I guess would be, Could Jesus have been born on December 25th? The evidence I’ve gathered seems to point to that being highly unlikely. Was Jesus even born in the month of December? A good piece of evidence against the month of December is Luke 2:4-8:

4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David) 5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. 6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. 7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. 8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

The shepherds would not have been out in the fields with their flocks at the end of December. In Israel the winter rains start to come in the month of Heshvan (October/November), and increase in intensity through Kislev (November/December) and Tebeth (December/January). The Talmud remarks and that the flocks were taken in the month of Heshvan and kept in pens during the winter months. This would be at least six weeks prior to December 25th.

The Scripture does have some indications to what month Christ was born. It just takes a little research to figure it out. One way is that Most Bible scholars agree that Christ’s ministry lasted 3 ½ years. He was just at 30 when he began his ministry (Luke 3:23). We know exactly when He died during Passover in Nisan; go back 6 months- ½ a year then He would have been born in Tishri (September/October). Another way that also indicates Tishri as being the birth month is through the figuring out of John the Baptist’s birth month. John the Baptist’s father, Zechariah, was of the priestly division of Abijah (Luke 1:5). That division was the eighth group and served during the ninth week of the year, since Passover takes place in Nisan (1 Chr. 24:6-10). Like records that after serving in the Temple Zechariah returned home and Elizabeth became pregnant shortly there after (Luke 1:23-24). That would have been late in the month of Sivan (May/June). That would put John’s birth date early in the month of Nisan - approx. 40 weeks after his conception. Luke also says that Mary became pregnant while Elizabeth was in her 6th month (Luke 1:36) that would make John approx. six months older than Jesus and would place Jesus’ birth date somewhere in Tishri (September/October).
This would also answer why all the inns in the area would have been full. The Jews were supposed to return to Jerusalem for the 3 Holy days. Since travel was a lot harder then than it is now, a large amount of people would travel and stay in the area from Rosh Hashanah and stay through Sukkot (the Feast of Tabernacles) - one of the required days to go to Jerusalem. This would explain a total lack of facilities. There also some newer theories that may indicate the birth day being the 1st day of Tishri, Rosh Hashanah- The day of Trumpets.

So now we’ve pretty much proven that Jesus’ birthday would neither have been December 25th nor in the month of December. So why do we celebrate Christmas on December 25th if it is supposed to commemorate the birth of Jesus? We must go back to a time before Christ. The Romans celebrated the winter solstice with a month long celebration. They believed several of their more loved gods were born in the month of December including Dionysus (Bacchus), Baal (who was seen as an equivalent to Saturn), and Mithras (a Persian sun god who had gained a large cult following in Rome). They also celebrated the commemoration of the dedication of the temple of Saturn, which took place on December 17th; this celebration was called Saturnalia. Saturnalia was a feast that lasted one day, but its popularity grew so much that it became a celebration that lasted from December. 17th to December 23rd. The celebration was marked by eating, drinking, and basically throwing out the rules and going wild. There was also a tradition of exchanging gifts. Saturnalia was later overshadowed and assimilated into the month long celebrations and the new holiday created by Aurelian, Dies Natalis Solis Invicti- The birthday of the unconquered sun. This holiday came about after Aurelian returned from the east and established a new god, Sol Invictus (unconquerable sun). This deity was able to incorporate other deities such as Mithras into itself. Mithras was said to have been born on December 25th (the first day that there is a noticeable change in the lengthening of the day after the winter solstice).

During this time Christians were persecuted because of their unwillingness to participate in such celebrations and rituals. Later Constantine came to power and with him came a religious tolerance towards Christianity. He himself supposedly converted to Christianity from his belief in the sun god. He legalized Christianity. The earliest reference to the nativity being celebrated on the 25th of December was in 354 AD. The church in the east celebrated the nativity on January 6th, Epiphany, but the focus of that day was mainly the baptism of Christ and his “Revelation to the Gentiles”, not on his birth specifically. This celebration as a Christian holiday was first noted in 361 AD. It started to split into two celebrations on December 25th 380 AD, when Gregory of Nazianzus referred to the day as Theophany, and said they would be celebrating the baptism of Christ (Epiphany) in a few days. This separation was complete for the western church by 534 AD, but it was still later that the Eastern Church fully made the spilt.

The traditions of Saturnalia and Dies Natalis Solis Invicti were assimilated into the new celebration of the Christian Lord’s birth. They replaced the sun god with the Son of God. On February 27th 380 AD, Theodosius I declared Christianity the sole religion of the empire under the Catholic Church. In 389 AD Theodosius made all pagan feasts, which had not yet been rendered “Christian,” into work days. The Catholic Church has argued that the date of Christmas was not related to the pagan traditions of old. This assertion has been maintained as recently as by Pope Benedict XVI, who argued that it was chosen as simply as counting 9 months after the Annunciation which falls on March 25th. This makes sense if the date of Christ’s conception could be made exact, but nowhere in the Bible is this ever revealed. The Catholic Encyclopedia also states that: “The year and day of the Annunciation cannot be determined as long as new material does not throw more light on the subject. The present date of the feast (25 March) depends upon the date of the older feast of Christmas.” This circular logic doesn’t hold up to much. Another argument that some scholars have used is that Christmas was not related to the Sol Invictus celebration because it was celebrated as Christmas as early as 243 AD. This doesn’t hold up either since the Sol Invictus celebration was a blanket celebration that enveloped the celebration of the birth of Mithras on December 25th. The prevalent worship of Mithras had occurred since before Christ was even born.

The celebrations continued under the guise of a religious holiday, which by 1038 AD was known as Cristes mæsse or as it is now know- Christmas. Xmas or X-mas was later used as an abbreviation for Christmas; The X was used as an abbreviation for Christ for over a thousand years. It is the Greek letter Chi which is the first letter of the Greek spelling of Christ- Χριστος. People for the past 150 years have argued against the use of Xmas saying it was a way f undermining Christ in the Christmas holiday (a holiday that isn’t really about Christ) even though the evidence shows that Chi has been used as a symbol/abbreviation for Christ – going as far back as Constantine using Chi and Rho (XP- the first two letters of Christ) on his shields- known as the Laberum. The Christmas celebrations carried over the wild antics of Saturnalia and the Sol Invictus celebrations that had come before. This became a problem in some major cities. When Charles I was executed and Oliver Cromwell took power in England, the Puritans outlawed Christmas in 1647. But due to its enormous popularity it was legalized again in 1660 when Charles II came to power. The Puritanical belief against Christmas was carried over to the New World where Christmas was illegal in Boston from 1659-1681. The custom of Christmas grew in America until the Revolutionary war, when afterwards it was seen as an English custom, and English customs were now seen in disfavor. In fact Congress was in session the first Christmas under the new Constitution. The Christmas season was marked with high crime and resulted in riots in major cities, caused by those disenchanted by the season, mainly the unemployed. In response to these riots in 1828, New York City instituted the first police force. This seemed to be the turning point in the way Christmas was celebrated. It grew again in popularity but due to authors like Washington Irving and Charles Dickens, it was seen in a different light. It was begun to be seen as a season of peace and Love and sharing that time with family and friends. The first three states to legalize Christmas were in the south: Alabama in 1836, Louisiana and Arkansas in 1838. Christmas did not become fully legal and a federal holiday until 1870.

So from the evidence that history presents and the scriptures themselves present, our yearly celebration of Christmas is based on the celebration of pagan gods on December 25th. The Catholic Church had a policy to incorporate pagan traditions into the regular Christian traditions in order to make the conversion of pagans easier. We celebrate the birth of Jesus on the birthday of a sun god, around three months after when His birthday would have actually occurred. This celebration is surrounded by other traditions that have their roots in the pagan origins of the season as well. I will now explore those traditions, to further prove my point that Christmas is not really a Christian holiday.

The first tradition I’d like to talk about is the one closest to having anything to do with the birth of Christ, the traditional Nativity scene. Each year people set up the Nativity scene as part of the celebration of Christmas, but even this is flawed. It usually contains Mary, Joseph, the baby Jesus, some shepherds, animals, and the three wise men. The flawed part is the three wise men. Everyone “knows” that three wise men came and gave Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh (Matthew 2:11). The Bible however never states the number of magi that come to visit and worship the newborn Christ child, it merely states the presents, which is where we assume there were three wise men- one for each present. The other flaw in this is that we have the Wiseman visiting Jesus the night he was born. According to Scripture the Magi arrive and visit with Jesus when he is already considered a small child, not a baby, and they visit at a house, not a manger (Matthew 2:11). Later when the Magi leave and evade King Herod, he gets angry and orders the death of all the small boys of the age 2 and under in the town (Matthew 2:16). This means Jesus could have been up to 2 years old when they arrived. This paints a different picture from the Magi bowing down to a small infant, instead a toddler with some speaking skills.

Many Christmas traditions stem from the northern European tradition of Yule. Yule was a celebration of the time around the winter solstice. It is a fairly general term that covers the pagan celebrations of the Norse and Germanic tribes. It marked the time where the days began to lengthen again after the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year. It was seen as the rebirth of life, the rebirth of the sun- very similar to the belief and worship of the Sol Invictus celebrations in Rome. The Yule feast was marked by a twelve day festival that would later be Christianized into the 12 days of Christmas (the evening of December 25th through the morning of January 6th- Epiphany). This period of time is also known as Yuletide, or Christmastide. The Yule celebrations were marked with celebratory feasts and sacrifices. Most of the sacrifices were those of animals such as boars, but in some cases human sacrifices were given. The Boars were most likely sacrificed to the pagan god Freyr. Freyr was a god of agriculture, weather and a phallic fertility god. His steed was a boar. The sacrifice of a boar is a tradition that carries over to this day as the Christmas ham. Freyr was thought to hear their prayers through the boar’s ears. The boar’s head would be taken from the body and the mouth stuffed with an apple and carried into the hall to the sound of minstrels and trumpets. The Boar’s Head Carol from the 1500’s describes this:

The boar's head in hand bring I, (Or: The boar's head in hand bear I,)
Bedeck'd with bays and rosemary.
I pray you, my masters, be merry (Or: And I pray you, my masters, merry be)
Quot estis in convivio (Translation: As many as are in the feast)

CHORUS
Caput apri defero (Translation: The boar's head I offer)
Reddens laudes Domino (Translation: Giving praises to the Lord)

The boar's head, as I understand,
Is the rarest dish in all this land,
Which thus bedeck'd with a gay garland
Let us servire cantico. (Translation: Let us serve with a song)

CHORUS

Our steward hath provided this
In honour of the King of Bliss;
Which, on this day to be served is
In Reginensi atrio. (Translation: In the Queen's hall)

CHORUS

Another Christmas tradition that is pulled from the Yuletide celebrations is the traditional Yule Log. Originally it was a giant log, the largest that could be found, used to keep burning in the fire festival of winter solstice. This was another form of sacrifice and worship to the fertility god Freyr, with the burning of the giant phallic symbol. Now it is a large log brought inside to be burned in the fireplace and for those of us without fireplaces, we can turn the television on and see it burning on some channels on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning (this started in 1966). Similar to the Yule log is the English tradition of the Great Ashen Faggot. The group of people passes around a bundle of ash twigs and sticks, the faggot, and then places it in the fire. As each binding burns and pops loose they toast a drink. When all the bindings have broke free, the hosts for the next years party will take the half burned ash twigs and save them for the center of the faggot the next year. Wood from the ash tree was used because it was thought to have magical properties. In Norse mythology the World Tree Yggdrasil was thought to be ash.

Another tradition that stems from Yule is the decorating with holly and mistletoe. Mistletoe bears fruit around the winter solstice and was used in rites, as a symbol of immortality. An ancient Scandinavian tradition holds that if two people meet beneath mistletoe they should kiss, this is the tradition we associate with mistletoe the most. It was also used in old Druidic spells in regards to fertility and potency. Holly was similar to mistletoe in that it stays green year round and fruits in the winter. It was taken inside as a way for the wood spirits to stay warm inside the house during the winter. Romans in particular brought holly inside and used it for a decoration. It was also formed with evergreen branches into wreaths that symbolized the strength of life. When formed in a wreath it was believed to make the powers of the holly, to ward off evil, stronger.

This leads us to another tradition rooted in the Yuletide celebrations- the Christmas tree or Tannenbaum. The Germanic tribes saw the oak tree as sacred and it was associated with Odin/Woden. It was involved in religious rites that involved decorating the trees with lit candles. In the 8th century saint Boniface visited the pagan groups, and using the Catholic tradition of melding the old religion into the new, to convert people, he exchanged the oak tree for evergreen trees, and dedicated it to Christ. That is when evergreen trees became Christmas trees. The creation of the “modern” Christmas tree is often attributed to Martin Luther, as he was said to have been inspired by the sight of the stars through the branches of the trees. This in turn inspired him to decorate a tree with candles and silver and gold tinsel. However there is no real proof to support that claim. It is quite evident though that the modern tradition did evolve out of the old traditions and truly took hold in the 16th century. The tradition for the most part was still considered pagan- it was banned under Cromwell in England, and was not very prevalent in America. However German immigrants did bring the tradition with them and it was a tradition that sprung up across the landscape in America. In the early 19th century, the tradition became popular with royal families, but did not spread. A woodcut showing the British royal family around their Christmas tree was printed in 1848, and reprinted in the U.S. in 1850. This woodcut was probably the main catalyst that made the tradition popular amongst the common people. Now the decorating and lighting of Christmas trees is a huge event in many places around the world.

The traditional way to decorate a tree was with candles. This is why we use a mat or skirt below the tree. It was used to catch the falling needles and wax droppings. Now we usually use electric lights so it has become another form of decoration. There was a tradition of decorating the tree with apples, and it is believed that this is partly the origin of the bright baubles that we now decorate the tree with. We also decorate the tree with garland and tinsel. Tinsel was invented in Germany in 1610, and was originally made with shredded silver. That wraps up the influences of Yule on the Christmas holiday. Yule is also still celebrated by Wiccans and some Neopagan groups around the world as their Midwinter Sabbat, a celebration of the winter solstice.

Then we have the wonderful stockings hanging from the mantle. Back in the day the Germanic people believed in hearth gods. They were spirits that inhabited the house and I’m simplifying this a lot, but they basically watched the home. They were similar to gnomes or elves, or fey creatures of the home I guess would be the best way to describe them. They were given small sacrifices of food to appease them and to keep them happy (the reason we leave milk and cookies for Santa- the jolly old elf – we’ll get to him soon enough) It was thought that they would leave small gifts as a reward and thanks for the food. That is why the stockings are hung on the mantle or hearth.

Last but not least I’ll touch on Santa Claus. He is supposed to be based on Saint Nicholas. We all know the stories of Saint Nicholas delivering presents. Santa Claus was a composite of Saint Nicholas and Odin- as well as the hearth gods. It was another blending of Christian and pagan beliefs. Odin used to fly the sky at the end of the year and would judge who would be prosperous and who would die. This evolved into Father Christmas another version of Santa Claus. Another legend was that Saint Nicholas conquered the devil. He enslaved him and forced him to follow along and help him. This companion became known as Knecht Ruprecht. Father Christmas’ companion was a horned goat legged fellow. Knecht Ruprecht would follow St. Nick around and either beat/whip bad children or stuff them in his bag to dispose of later. By dispose of, yes I mean kill. All kids have to worry about today is some coal, not being drowned in a river. As time went on the companion mellowed and melded with the character of Santa Claus. In some places he turned into Zwarte Piet- Black Peter, who was a helper of Santa. He took on the role that we now place on Santa’s elves.

Ok I think I have gone on about all of this long enough. The goal was to enlighten you about where our Christmas traditions really come from. I don’t like it when people claim there is a war on Christmas, and that the world is trying to take Jesus out of Christmas, mainly because He wasn’t there to begin with, it’s something that the church took over in hopes of bringing about more converts. We see it as a celebration of Christ’s birthday, but they never celebrated birthdays in the Bible. They saw birthday celebrations as a pagan idea. So before you get upset because someone says happy holidays and not Merry Christmas, don’t get upset. Just say Happy Christmas. I hope you learned something interesting amidst all of this. I know I did in writing it. It was fun and I hope no one is offended by it. I hope everyone has a happy holiday season.

The dreams of my future

2008-12-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

I've really been forced to look into my life lately and really try and figure out what i want from my life, and what i want to accomplish. So here's a small list of the things I want to do with my life, it is a short list of the most important things I want to accomplish now.
1)I want to write a novel. In fact a series of novels. I have started and it is very slow going because I keep going back and restarting the same story but with a different modification like changing the perspective, or the mood for the openeing. It will take a while and i have no delusions about it, but it is something i've put off for long enough. I also want it to be enjoyable for readers, so i will be getting advice and feedback from as many of my friends as i can as i get more of it really put together- something to actually give any feedback on. right now its a bunch of notes and paragraphs that make no sense to anyone but me LOL. I always enjoyed being the dungeon master playing D&D. I loved providing the story. Thats what I want my books to be like, fun and exciting- I'm not looking to write the next great american novel that is profound beyond words. I want people to read my books and enjoy them for the excitement and the fantasy they will provide.
2)I still want to own my own Comic Book/ Gaming Shop. The economy right now is not going to support it so its something i can have on the back burner for a while, but that has been my dream for years now, and I am determined that someday I will have it. And those who have heard my plan know its more than just that. So if you want to know more, send me a message and i'll explain in an email, just one of those elaborate plans i dn't want to post all over the place for someone else to read and say yeah I could do that lol.
3) I will make it to SDCC one of these freaking years. Sucks cause i will miss MegaCOn this year being out of florida, and that seems to be something Denver will be lacking- a decent comic convention. But it will be a staple for me when i do have my own store, but I would like to go sometime in the next couple years. I am in love with nerd culture i guess you could say... I am a nerd, or dork or whatever you want to call it.
4) I will hopefully someday meet a woman who understands these aspects of my being and understands the importance of doing these things to me, and will be willing to say ok, and is willing to wholeheartedly support my dreams and perhaps share them as well if that is her passion. Not sure if there are too many women out there who are comic book/harry potter/LOTR/nerdcore loving/freaks lol thats what it'll take i'm sure.... But i also know that it may not happen, and i've come to accept that as a major possibility. and i'm ok with that, I am for the most part a loner, but I do miss having companionship, but I want to make sure the next time i get involved with someone, they are into the same things as me, not sure a woman could really understand me if she wasn't into all that kind of stuff, its a bizarre world in my head lol, but i would like to fnd someone to share it with.
5)If I am able in a position to, I would like to have another child, and at least adopt one child as well. I love children and I hope to one day have some. I miss Andrew so much, and I feared the idea of another child, because i didn't want having that child todiminish my memories of Andrew. But I know Nothing ever will, and so I still want that joy of having kids. so we'll see someday... and If i never find that right woman, then if i can make a success of my life then I will adopt.

So those are my major goals in my life, and the funny part is, they aren't new goals, just ones i've had for a long time that i kind of lost sight of, and didn't think were really possible. But its all possible and i will make it happen, it just will take some patience on my part lol.

Webcomics

2008-12-09T09:23:00.000-08:00

well this will be brief: check out some of the webcomics i have been enjoying recently:

Read all of them at DigitalPimpOnline, but Especially "Joe Loves Crappy Movies"by Joe Dunn

Then there is "Multiplex" by Gordon McAlpin:

And finally Theater Hopper by Tom Brazelton

Screw you x-mas

2008-12-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

I think I have come to the conclusion that I am really not a fan of Christmas- or any holiday for that, at the moment. I've tried to get in the spirit of the holidays, but I just couldn't give a crap anymore. It kind of saddens me that its all just meaningless drivel to me now. I'm definitely having problems just adjusting to going through this time the way i have to go through it now... but its making it tough to decide on whether i really want to save the world, or destroy it. so screw christmas in all of its capitalist glory. yup Bah humbug and all that happy horse crap. so i hope everyone has a happy holiday, but don't bother wishing me one when it comes around, because i may be likely to tell you where to stick it. yeah maybe its because of what happened, and its my way of deflecting all the wonderfully bad feelings i get to enjoy this holiday season, as much as i would like to see peace on earth i would almost rather see it burn- its what we deserve anyway.

The Soweto Gospel Choir- and the rest of Thanksgiving

2008-12-01T07:48:00.000-08:00

This past week, I went to Florida to have Thanksgiving with Murray's family. Last Wednesday we (myself, Murray, Sara, and Nina- one of Murray's sisters) traveled up to Gainesville where his cousin Bret lives with his wife, Naomi, and his daughter, Mira. Bret's sister, Keryn, was visiting from South Africa- her first trip to the states.
I guess a lot of you reading may not know Murray. Murray and I have been friends for 12 years now, since the ninth grade. I was his best man, and he was mine. His family is from South Africa. I've had the chance to really get a different perspective about the world from them and its always interesting visiting with them. I definitely learn something new everytime I see his family. He and his wife Sara have been the ones kind enough to allow me to stay with them for now, until my venture out to Denver. I owe a lot to them. So that who Murray is- back to the story.
So we went up to visit with them and to hang out with Keryn. We hung around Bret's house for a little while (Bret and Naomi were at work, Keryn was watching Mira). Then we all headed down to the park to meet up with Bret for his lunch and Naomi who was getting off work. It was good to see them, very nice people who have always shown me kindness. We all played with Mira and swung on the swings. It's always fun to just act like a kid again and hop on a swingset every now and then.
From there, Naomi took Mira home, Bret went back to work, and the rest of us went to get tickets to the Soweto Gospel Choir for that evening and then to go grab lunch. We ate at the Swamp, and then walked around the campus for a little while to show Keryn the stadium and take pictures. Then we headed back to the house for dinner although i was pretty stuffed from the late lunch. They made Shepherd's pie and then we headed out for the evening.
We arrived early enough to catch the discussion about the Choir beforehand. Visit their website and read their history- Soweto Gospel Choir They are very talented group. Their performance was absolutely amazing. They mix traditional song and dance, and sing the majority of their songs in Zulu or Sotho, although some they did sing in English. It was a fantastic show- funny part was Keryn had never been able to see them live in South Africa, had to come to America to see them, so that was a good thing for all of us. They did an encore of Chriistmas songs for the upcoming holiday, and I almost lost it on The Little Drummer Boy. It is one of my favorite Christmas songs, and i used to sing it to Andrew during the Christmas season. They did a beautiful job.
The following day was Thanksgiving, and my Grandmother went into the hospital with pain in her left arm. The doctors tested for all types of things and couldn't figure it out- it wasn't her heart. They even gave her morphoine in that arm and it didn't take the pain away. They finally figured out what was wrong- a calcium deposit was hidden by her shoulder blade. So she will be ok, but it just had me saying "If it's not one thing it's another". that seems to be the story of my life, but I'm coming to accept it. My life is what it is and it will always be, so I'm just trying to roll with the punches and ride along on the crazy waves in this life's storm. All in all it was a good weekend, busy but good. I'm grateful that I went down there and did not stay up in Simpsonville alone for that weekend. I'm also grateful that Murray's family had me as their guest. So I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and was able to find things to be thankful for. Now I am going to try and start writing my novel. I've been putting it off, and I have no reason to except for my own fear of failing.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T09:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been pretty quiet on my blog lately but thought i would say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. There is always something to be thankful for, no matter how bad off you are, or what bad things have happened. After the long weekend i will get back into posting on a regular basis again. But heres what i'm thankful for, and if you want feel free to share what you are thankful for:

I'm thankful for my faith, family and friends(- family and friends is pretty redundant- i consider my friends part of my family) They allowed me to get through the worst event i will ever have to live through.

I'm thankful for my parents who have always supported me no matter what.

I'm thankful for my sisters, Erica, Lindsay, and Lauren, i love them and I am proud of them for what they are doing with their lives.

I'm thankful for Sabrina for being a friend no matter what, and now allowing me an opportunity to really restart my life and get it headed in a direction i've always wanted to go.

I'm thankful for Rachael (and Jake), we don't always agree on things, but you are my friends and you have helped to open my eyes to see what really matters in this world. I wish all the blessings I can on your coming child.

I'm thankful for Kari, who gave me Andrew, and for giving me the sight i needed to see what i neeeded to do for myself.

I'm thankful for Alison for being a friend for about 17 years, for always having some advice, but never pushing more than she needed to, I hope you and Jen can really build a life together- I'm wishing the best for you two.

I'm thankful for Murray and Sara for everything they have done for me, always unselfish and with Kindness, I believe God will truly bless you for the things you do.

I am thankful for Charles and Heather- for being great friends, its hard to find good friends sometimes, but I am thankful to call you friend

I am thankful for Miranda- who I can feel comfortable with a lot of aspects about myself, aspects that most of my other friends wouldn't quite understand.

I am thankful for Jay and Tammy(and all the little ones) for everything you did for me and Andrew, and for going through the crap we did and still coming out as friends.

I'm thankful for Angie, for giving me an ear, and just being there for me.

I'm thankful for John and Marc who have given me that encouragement and advice that has helped at times I didn't think it would.

I am Thankful for Sarah H... or R. lol my lil sis, thank you for being there

I'm thankful for Swift for always encouraging, for serving our country, and for being able to put a comedic spin to things that we wouldn't normally be able to smile at.

I'm thankful for Mesa for serving our country and dropping a "just thinking about you hope your doing alright" just when its needed.

I'm thankful for Courtney for being a friend and being a dork lol, I'm a dork too so its ok :-p

I'm thankful for Jami for ALWAYS encouraging me to write and always wanting me to pursue that aspect that i've put off for too long now.

I'm thankful for Sarah RZ for showing me that when you put your time and effort into it, dreams can come true- have fun in the sky, its an encouragement you may not have known you were giving.

I'm thankful for Haydee for being a friend and willing to be a friend, the simple offer of being there is appreciated beyond words.

I'm thankful for my MFP friends, I know i haven't been on in a while but- I shall make my return to the Gutter Gang soon lol

I'm thankful for the rest of my friends who have always supported my writing and have encouraged me to write even though i don't think i'm any good at it.

I am thankful for ALL my friends and I feel bad that I am not naming everyone by name, but if you are reading this, then the odds are pretty high that you are my friend, and my friends are a part of my family, and know I would do anything for my family. You have allowed me to survive and I am in debt to you. Life doesn't come easy, but you have made it easier for me, Thank You. I love everyone of you and I hope that you can find as much to be thankful for as I have. Happy Thanksgiving.

Denver

2008-11-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

So as some of you may know, I will be moving to Denver. My bestest friend Sabrina
:-) is there, and she has been wanting me to move out there since she moved this past summer. Now she wants me to come out there and work on my writing and well, I need to. So I may be going out there as early as sometime in December, which I can't wait now that it is so close. It will be a great change to be in an actual city, and to live in a whole new atmospere. It will also be what I need to really get going on the novels I want to write, which I have been putting on hold too long now. Money will be tight to begin with, and I'm not looking all that much forward to the day and a half on a greyhound bus- but it will be worth it in the end. Its crazy times ahead, but nows the time in my life to restart and get something going, and build my life somewhere else.

A poem my mom wrote for Andrew

2008-11-09T17:24:00.001-08:00

Your time on earth
had just begun
The joy, the laughter,
and the fun.

Your eyes in wonder
sparkled bright
Through the day
and through the night.

You gave me hope
A reason to live
You were my angel
My reason to give.

Andrew, you're safe now
Surrounded by love.
The stars in the heavens,
The rainbows above

Watch over you now,
As in heaven you sleep.
I'll never forget you,
You're memory I'll keep.

10/25/2008

By- Valerie Parker

Time for Change...

2008-11-05T10:37:00.001-08:00

Well, we now get to see a black man as president- which is good that we are able to break down that racial barrier. However it was sad to see that some people who would have voted for him didn't because he is black, but also in the same regards it is sad to see some people vote for him simply because he is black. I never realized skin color made one qualified, or not qualified. Everyone is pumped up and ready for change, which is good, we did need a change from the past 8 years. But be careful what you wish for, for it may just happen. We are sure to see change, but i wonder how much of that change will be for the betterment of our lives. Obama is a lawyer and a politician, and sorry to say, but that makes him fairly untrustworthy in my book lol. Promises are always made, but hasn't anyone seen how rarely those promises are usually kept? Now I know most of my friends were supporters of Obama, which is fine- that is your right, and your right to disagree with me. I did not support Obama, likewise I did not support McCain. I'm pretty tired of the two party system we have where money buys the ability to run for office. How many of the other presidential candidates did you ever even hear about? I just have to say Good Luck America, hopefully you chose wisely, probably about as wisely as re-electing Bush, lol. The next four years should be pretty interesting whichever way the tide turns. Obama definitely has no reason to not get things done, he has a Democratic Congress, so no excuses. I merely pray that we will have a viable third party in the near future- i mean it is time for change isn't it? Vote Libertarian 2012 !!!! :-)..... i love you guys ;-)

yesterday

2008-10-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

well, i survived yesterday in a much better way than i thought i would. thank you everyone.

Please don't ask me if i'm alright

2008-10-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

Today marks 6 months since i held Andrew for the last time, the last breathe, the last kiss on his forehead. The last time i thought my life would be alright- despite everything i know to be true. Do not ask me if I am alright. Today marks his 2nd birthday. A day he never got to see. A day that should be filled with joy. Do not ask me if I'm alright. When the tears come for no reason at all, when i don't hear what you say, when i don't agree with you- that i will be ok. Do not ask me if i am alright, today.

A letter to heaven

2008-10-24T22:39:00.001-07:00

THIS IS FOR OCTOBER 25, 2008

WRITTEN BY: TAMMY SWETS

IF I COULD GO TO HEAVEN TO SEE YOU TODAY

ID SAY GOODBYE TO THIS EARTH AND BE RIGHT ON MY WAY

THERE WOULD BE NO MORE TEARS AND YOU WOULD NOT BE MISSED AND WE COULD HAVE BACK THE SMILES,GIGGLES, AND EVEN A KISS.

BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD IT MAY SEEM YOU DID NOT GO AWAY BECAUSE YOUR STILL IN OUR HEARTS OUR MEMORIES AND OUR DREAMS.

EACH NIGHT BEFORE I GO TO BED I PRAY THAT ONE DAY WE WILL ALL GO TO HEAVEN AND WATCH YOU PLAY.

I KNOW WE CAN NOT GO NOT JUST YET

BUT DEAR SWEET ANGEL YOU ARE SOMEONE WE WILL NEVER FORGET.

I KNOW THIS IS A TIME TO CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE AND NOT FEEL BLUE SO TODAY IM THANKING GOD FOR GIVING US YOU.

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY SWEET ANGEL

To Ocala, and beyond!!

2008-10-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

Well i'm leaving for ocala, probably won't be updating this much while i'm gone. drop me a mesage or email, if you want to hang out while i'm in town. I'm ready to go have a good time. I think its that time in my life to play the wild rover, for a bit.

Few more days til ocala

2008-10-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

So I have a few more days before i head to Ocala. I'm looking forward to it, and dreading it all in the same thought. Should be fun to see my friends and my dad, but still not looking forward to the living through the 25th, its horiible, because i would love to just ignore it and be happy and make it through without giving it a thought, but i know i won't be able to, and i know if i did i would feel guilty beyond belief. I miss Andrew with everyday that passes. I'm not sure about life sometimes, because of it. Not having him here makes me just not care about a whole lot anymore, which is cold but its honest. Part of it is just a new perspective on living, and my religous beliefs, another aspect is just the duality that i struggle with living. I am trying to love as much as I can, trying to care about others, even more so than myself, but the otherside of me fights it out daily. That side with the rage, and anger, and hatred. It makes living tough. And i suppose you can say that life is tough yada yada yada.... but I would like to enjoy my life, and I would like to bring joy into the lives of others. I want to make people think. I want them to see past their own selfish ways and think and care for others, to love. But it becomes difficult for me, when I have this struggle myself, and i don't want to point fingers, or place blame, i don't want to be a hypocrite, because i truly believe these things, its just fighting with the other side of my nature, to allow myself to live that way and to really believe it- to extinguish those other feelings... not sure if i will ever accomplish it, but i do hope so. because i am tired of living a life with no hope for whats to come. I don't want to be tied down by this world anymore, because i know its this world that brings out those aspects of me that i would rather not have. But i guess that is the struggle with mankind in general. or I hope so anyway. Its hard to tell sometimes, if anyone else i know struggles with that. I do know some do, but its all the others i wonder about. Well heres to a safe trip.

Carolina Grand Slam Championship

2008-10-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight we went to Coffee Underground to watch the Carolina Grand Slam Championship put on by Wits End Poetry. It was an awesome evening with some great poets. I love slam poetry, i'll never be able to do it lol, add stagefright with not being able to memorize a poem, and just not my kind of peotry that i write, but it is amazing to get around a group of great artists and feel that energy that comes in a slam poetry event. I am super pumped up and I probably won't be able to sleep tonight, so I'll end up typing some more poems, or maybe write a few new ones or something along those lines, but it was great, glad i went. Can't wait to go for poetry night again, maybe i'll get up the nerve to read something of my own.

Hunger

2008-10-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

I have hungered figuratively for a while now, for a glance at what I should be doing with my life. My entire life I have felt that I should be making more of myself, making a life for myself, following the American dream so to speak. We are taught as children in our school systems that we can be anything, do anything, that we were all created equal- taking that into account we all have the same value in our lives, or we should anyway- that is what makes us equal. We may not be equal in skill or intelligence, or looks or bodybuild, but we are equal in that we are all Human.

To quote Fight Club: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." And we should be pissed off. Not because we were lied to and bought into the lie, but that we have allowed ourselves to be devalued in our purposes and our value as a human being living in this world. Many believe there is no class warfare, but the middle class is dying out and do you think they are mostly becoming upper class or lower class? the fact that we refer to a middle class is proof enough of class warfare, and the putting down of those who are not abundant in material things. I'm here to say @#$! the material things. I no longer need it, we NEED only water, food,clothing, shelter, and medical help, in order to survive this life. Those are our needs, everything else is a want to physically survive life, some will add in a spiritual need, i being one of those, but to put that aside for a moment, we know what we need to survive the physical reality of this life. There are millions dying around the world because they do not have what they NEED. We have become so greedy over the ages, that we stand here today living our lives, we have everything we need- if you are reading this than i will assume you have everything you need to survive the physical world, maybe not the medical help...I know that one is hard to come by for most myself included :-) but around the world every 3.6 seconds someone dies of starvation- 75% of them are children under the age of 5. I have linked at the bottom of each of my blogs to The Hunger Site, They work with corporate sponsors to provide food for those in need. All you have to do is visit the site and click a button- no filling out anything, just click the button. Simple, and it goes to help someone else.

I have realized that the only way for me to be happy in this life is to pursue my art- my writing and the other artwork I create. It will not be profitable, and if it does I now know what my duty is to be, that money cannot overtake me again. The world needs kindness and love, Love being the most important thing there is. Out of love (I never understood what it was to truly love your neighbor as your self until recently) I know that my pursuit in life is to help those I can, and to use my art to inspire people to use their minds again. We have allowed our minds to just rot away, and that has madeus unable to see through all the lies that have been told in this life. There is so much need for change in this world, and I'm pretty sure I will only be able to make the tiniest of scratches in this cause, but I hope and pray that I can do my part and not be overcome with greed and the want for things that I do not need. Why should I pursue selfish things, when i can help those pursue what they NEED? Ok enough rambling on about it. I have a rough road ahead but it will be more fulfilling than any I have ever thought I would travel.

*EDIT- I don't want anyone to think I am judging them in their lifestyle- this is about my personal journey and what I feel I must do. Everyone has their part in this world and I am finally realizing mine. I just hope everyone can show a little more love in thier lives :-)

Slight change in format

2008-10-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

I have started a new page for my writing- its linked off to the side, so now i have one for my personal day to day blogs, my writings, and other peoples writings and such, hope it is convienient enough for everyone. :-)

vote on poetry contest

2008-10-02T09:56:00.001-07:00

so the poetry contest my friends are having, has started a poll to see what poems that have been entered are getting the best response etc, so they can determine the winners etc. if you don't mind swing by the site- the first link is where to vote, the sceond is links to the poems themselves.. so go read them and vote for your favorite. I entered "The Warrior Spirit (Fighting Against it all)"

one of my newere and more favored poems, so if you like that one, go vote for me :-) or read through and pick a better one, just support the arts in the tiniest way by using a couple minutes to help out. thanks guys i apprciate it

Cast Your Vote Here

The poems in the Contest so far

Poetry contest

2008-09-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Rachael Ehrlund and her husband Jake, are holding a poetry contest for people ages 18 and over. They are also hosting a poetry/art conteset for children 12 and under. They are free to enter, and the rules and prize info are on their blog:

Pheakkley

I also am linked to Pheakkley on my Blogger blog and on my Myspace friends so please visit them and see if you are interested in entering, and please pass it on to anyone else you may think would be interested in entering. If not entering at least stop by and help give feedback on some of the entries they have already received. I've entered the poetry contest so I am refraining form giving input on the poems, but I look forward to helping in giving my input on the children's contest. They are gifted artists, and are begining to live their dream which is very similar to my own, so I hold it close to my heart, I appreciate any of my friends willing to enter, or give feedback, and thank you in advance for any help you may throw that way. Rachael is always an inspiration for me, a muse you may say, and is inspiring me to get back into the things i love like my writing and artwork- slow process but its happening, and I am finding so much more happiness doing that and peace with myself that I can't explain.

Touched

2008-09-29T21:21:00.001-07:00

Touched

Blood is thick
But it’s thinning out
And the mechanical world is
Burning me out
I came face to face with God
And found it odd
That he would look upon me
Without shame
For what I became
This wretched man
Lowly and crying
But He touched my mind
Said I would find
A path to always knowing
What I could be
Didn’t I see?
With eyes always glowing
Eternity
It’s beyond the trees
These hills are growing higher
And it’s hard to see
Past the fog and grass that is blinding me
From blissful sleep
And the nature of being was
Supposed to be
Catching myself thinking faster than I thought
I would be
And this dance He set me to was dizzying
It sent my soul spinning out of control
But I never had control
Enough to hopefully
Find my way out of the darkest forest of stalking buildings
And transforming gently
Peacefully

Love without you is hollow

2008-09-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

written on a bad day

Love without you is hollow

The damn wind is blowing,
And the chill of autumn is wrapping,
Its cold fingers around my throat,
Choking the life from me,
But never mercifully finishing what it should,
Believe,
I deserve the pain that I feel for the ones I have failed,
And the words that have been spoken,
In my mind,
It’s hard to feel when your heart goes numb,
And this world has become,
A prison,
With a life sentence on my head.
The wish to be dead,
So I can feel once more,
The happiness that I had,
So I’m smoking again.
Hoping again,
That it will help me to conclude this before
It was supposed to end.
I’m drowning in sorrow,
I need love,
But it’s hollow,
To me,
Without you, son.
And I’m cutting again,
Hoping again
That this blood will feel real to me.
And I’m burning again,
Hoping again,
Singeing the nerves,
To their end.
What God must have felt,
When He heard me screaming His name,
And I’m taking the blame,
For losing you.
It becomes so hard not to remember
You turning blue
In my arms
Your breath was shallow
And labored
And the tears that I’ve shed,
I wish would flood this world
And destroy what I wanted to share
With you
But all you shared with me
Was your unconditional love
And I am doomed to see
This phase of the moon
Going soon
And there could be no hell for me
Greater than what I’ve already seen

coming to ocala in october

2008-09-28T18:22:00.001-07:00

well i'm gonna be in ocala in october, should be there either the night of the 17th or sometime during the day on the 18th, will probably be staying at charles for the majority of the time, but if you have a place for me to crash or you just wanna hang out, let me know. I appreciate charles letting me crash- just don't want to be a nuisance and occupy his couch too much lol. i should be in ocala a couple weeks so, should hopefully get to see everyone that wants to see me.. drop me a message or comment, and we'll hang out.

Paris

2008-09-26T21:55:00.001-07:00

Paris

They say Paris

Is a romantic place,

A city for lovers

And Poets alike.

But I found it too hot

And Texans are far too cocky

Finally, General Tso chicken from scratch

2008-09-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

Well today was Murray's birthday so i made General Tso chicken and fried rice from scratch. It got a very good response lol, was a lot of fun to make- i really do enjoy cooking for myself and my friends.

Marc, here's the recipe I used for the General Tso chicken:

***Make sauce and refrigerate until needed:***
1/2 cup Cornstarch
1/4 cup Water
1 1/2 teaspoon minced fresh Garlic
1 1/2 teaspoon minced fresh Ginger
3/4 cup Sugar
1/2 cup Soy Sauce
1/4 cup White Vinegar
1/4 cup Sherry
1 can condensed Chicken Broth
***Meat***
3 pounds boneless, skinless chicken, cut into chunks
1/4 cup Soy Sauce
1 egg, beaten
1 cup Cornstarch
2 cups sliced Green Onions
8 small dried Hot Peppers, seeds removed

Directions:

Sauce:

Put everything into a quart jar with a lid and shake it up, then put in the fridge. Just shake it up again when you are ready to use it.

Meat:

Mix chicken, soy sauce, and hot peppers. Stir in egg. Add cornstarch, and mix until chicken pieces are coated. Deep fry 7 or 8 chicken pieces at a time in a 350 degree oil until chicken pieces are crispy. Drain on paper towels. Repeat until all chicken chunks are fried.

Place a small amount of oil (1 Tbsp.) in wok, and heat to 400 degrees. Add onions, peppers and stir fry about 30 seconds. Stir sauce mixture, and then add to wok. Cook until thick. If it gets too thick, add water to right consistency. Add chicken to sauce in wok, and cook until all is hot and bubbly. Serve with fried or steamed rice.

a few notes on how i made it:
*I didn't have fresh ginger so had to use ground ginger, if you go that route I would reccomend using a lil more than what the recipe calls for
*When you stir fry the onions and peppers, I would use sesame oil
*also it wasn't very spicy so if you like it spicy, add some ground pepper flakes

Otherwise it was a great meal, and one I'll definitely do again with some slight modifications, and it helps if you have a third arm when prparing this and the fried rice at the same time, lol

I have another blog now

2008-09-23T09:51:00.001-07:00

I have another blog now , its listed off to the side. I'll be posting songs, videos, poems, stuff like that there- stuff that comes from other minds, not my own, just wanted to keep that kkind of seperate from my own thoughts and writings which i will post here. so stop in there every now and then to see what things have been stuck in my head, or floating in my mind, i usually get a song or two always stuck in my head so i'll post lyrics and videos etc when that happens. enjoy.