This reality doesn't match up to the one in my head

I guess no one leads the life they expected. I kind of thought my life would be a bit different, go figure. I guess I thought not about the events but who I would be, how I would be. This is not quite how I saw myself. I realize most see me in a different light than what I actually am. This is my fault, as I built walls from a very early age, and I have kept them up for so long that i don't realize I am keeping myself locked inside, just as much as I am keeping you out. If there was a sign of an interest to really be let in, I would surely do so, as I am ready and willing. But our reality will probably never allow it. Or I will blind myself to it and hold myself back, as I have done in the past. I want to sit in a field looking up at the vastness of the universe, listening to music that has meaning, to you or I, and just be in a moment. I just want moments now, and maybe a nice string of them that are deeply connected and may form true memories, true desires fulfilled. What are your desires? what do you want? Can I give that to you? Would you even allow me to? Of course that presumes you would want me to, but maybe, just maybe you will read this and say, I'll take a small chance, a small chance that may result in greatness, or a small chance that You may feel humiliated, although I would never do that intentionally. Not for this, not for any of this. I want to feel the universe pulsing through my being, but I want to feel it at your touch, your glance, that chance.