This comes at a cost, but I will pay

I try to open up. But even as I write this I know I will hold back enough to keep my life vague. I know I have spoken of this before, and yet I am never pushed to reveal more so I don’t... Which is alright with me. I do wish I had more people who I could open completely to. I can honestly say that there is perhaps only one person I can be completely open and candid with, and several who come pretty close- however I still hold some things back with them. I disappoint myself with this. I still allow some sort of fear to control how I am, but I do feel in a way it is sparing others, and for that I will be that way. Call it some sort of martyr or savior complex, but I’d rather endure the greatest pain than knowingly hurt others who mean me no harm.

There is hope I suppose, but I’m not sure what you would really call it. It’s not so much hope as it is a distinct knowledge that regardless of this life, I have death to look forward to. I know that it is slightly morbid, but I do look forward to death, not so much that I want it now, more so that I know when it comes I will go willingly and will greet Death as a friend taking me to a better life. There is no way to describe it, not in my language.

Christmas is right around the corner, and for me it doesn’t bring joy. I don’t think I can truly find joy in it alone. I attempt to watch the movies, and I want to make it through, but alone I am not strong enough, so I watch a couple minutes and change the channel. I miss that, I miss enjoying the holiday. It goes without saying why, and I miss him so much, these are the days where I truly miss the happiness. How much I miss him, I really want him in my arms. I wish for dreams where I am visited by him. Tears don’t help, they just make the night worse. As much as others know about it all, there is no connection yet, some relate on a parallel feeling, but few really relate, and that just brings and awkward pity. I know I can be happy again, but I know that I need to accept several ideas first.

I must accept that in order for me to be happy, I must give in. I must give up the grand ideas and accept life for what it is- not to say great things won’t or can’t happen, merely they must not be the basis for what I do. I write because it comes out. If I could draw it would be through that, but this is how the intangible becomes somewhat tangible. I bear my soul to you. It is yours to take, a piece given freely. I don’t know what you do with it if you accept it, and I guess in a way I am ok with that, or at least I need to become ok with that. I need to accept that I may never know . I know people read this, I know you are reading this, but I may never know more than just that. I just wonder if anyone really wants to have me open completely to them. and be able to do so without casting a judgmental eye upon me. I won’t judge you.

I also need to do this for me, live my life for me, so that it may be for others when the time comes. What good am I to someone else if I am not whole, if I am broken.

I am two in one, sinner and saint, a dual personality, polar opposites that clash, and yet I maintain a fairly normal appearance to the world around me. How many of my coworkers can see beyond what I allow them to see? How many people that I interact with can see beyond the wall? I have built it quite well if I do say so myself, however I have made it in such a way that it is now difficult for me to breakthrough it myself.

I see the pain around me, I feel it, and it just breaks me more. It makes me forget about my own troubles, which is half a blessing, but I am not forward enough to do anything about it, or perhaps I am, but I just am not taken seriously. Maybe my words are just taken like everyone else’s. those words that come out in an attempt to be genuine but are taken as the normal pity words that I’ve heard before, before the trauma was so much that no one could really say it without being genuine. It makes me laugh to think that sometimes someone may not be genuine about it, I truly pity them. It’s funny what parts of my own personality I have in complete control and which parts are running naked through the woods.

You make me smile, and I thank you for that. You may never know it, because I don’t feel I can interfere. I do believe in past values, and yet I cannot believe in certain institutions any more. They failed us, as we failed them. A promise means nothing anymore, and so we see so much more mistrust, with good reason. It’s a spiraling and constant and will never end. it will end, but hopefully the end I see will not be the end we all see.

I wish we knew each other better. But how do I do this without being... creepy LOL. That’s the only way I see it. I can readily see connections around me, threads connecting us all, and the potential of those threads. I have an intuition that I have begun to truly trust. I have an empathy, that I am truly beginning to feel. Its odd and slightly uncomfortable, but I think it will motivate me to make these betterment changes.

If I make you smile, let me know, it lets me know that I have a purpose other than the constant drawing in of negative energy. If I can let others feel a positive feeling, it becomes worth it to me, any day of the week. It is encouraging. I’m a story of survival, but I want to be a story of living, once again.

This song is relevant to what I’ve been feeling today, although I know I am a burden sometimes, I carry one for you that you don’t realize, and I do so willingly and proudly... as the past has shown, this back is stronger than most, these shoulders can bear a burden greater than most are willing to try, so lay your burdens upon me, as I will not break... I may stumble under the weight and slow for a moment or two, but I continue onward, toward a goal, different with each weight added.

Blue October- Overweight:

ever carried the weight of another?
for how long?
or walk as far as they need to recover?
for how long?

i want to carry a piece of who i was before
so when i hit the wall i really hit the wall ( excuse me )
i want to tear away the death again
a whiter shade of fucking meth again
i want to stick to clues
i want to come unglued
i want to shape the world to fit the way you move
oh should i listened for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up do you remember me?
i showed up and so what if i'm the used to be
i'm here to tell you that i’m sorry i was sorry
but i’m happy that you're happy this is no longer about me
trade roles, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
let him be there through your beautiful cries
let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
and live your life just like a dream without the pain of goodbyes
goodbye!

ever carried the weight of another?
for how long?
or walk as far as they need to recover?
for how long?

i’ve been a drunk, disrespectful little street punk
unlock the back of my trunk, you see now take this bat
and bash my head into the street again ( street again )
no ones around so i keep beating it
I pull my hair back and look me in the eye
there’s a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
it's the guilt of what reality has given me
making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity

when you're sick you seem to think you failed eternally
and that the people you let in are only crumbling
when you feel sick of faking life and this recovery
when my decisions paved the road that lies in front of me
so to the friends that even call that i don’t call back
i hold you deep inside my heart upon a hill
it seems to hide sometimes to run away and wonder
i’m really sick of saying sorry but i will

ever carried the weight of another?
for how long? ( Where were you? where were you? )
or walk as far as they need to recover?
for how long? ( Where will you be ? )

You're we scared to take the ride?
or dare to get inside...
i’m floating farther away
floating far away
floating far away... letting go

i wanna learn to walk with others as an equal
i wanna treat the ones who love me with respect
i wanna tell the world i’ll give them all a piggy back
and try to to take away my negative affect
i wanna kiss a girl and know i'll never lie again
i wanna call my dad and tell him that i care
i wanna let my brother know he saved my life
a thousand times throughout the years
he's been the friend who's always there...

floating far away
floating far away
i'm floating far away.....letting go