Scott Farcas Takes It On The Chin

I will make it today. I will make it today, I will make it today. I must return to being able to enjoy the things I did before, and I must be able to do so without feeling guilty. I miss Andrew, and today is not the same without him, but I know he would want his dad to be happy. I know he is with me in spirit. I hope you all have a Happy Christmas. I want you all to be safe and be happy. I am going to watch A Christmas Story and see if I can do it and stay within a realm of sanity, wish me luck. I love this movie.

I have spent my whole life building up walls. I tend to do so with the idealistic view that I am protecting the ones I love at the cost of myself. I have begun the reverse process and slowly I will tear down the walls and let you all in. I will no longer be afraid of what you think. I will no longer care if you do not approve or are not in agreement with the way I live or the way I believe. I am me and that is all I can be. Accept me for who I am or walk away. It will sadden me if you turn your back on me, but I will no longer sacrifice myself for your betterment. I feel a bit selfish in this but I also have come to realize that if someone does not want me to be me, then they are the ones who are being selfish. I will still live in a way as to try and not harm others but I will not sacrifice my own feelings for the sake of making you feel better about yourself. I love you all and I think I do my fair share of putting positive energy out into the universe, however I believe I could be a lot more positive if I allow myself to be unconditionally me.

I am finally vacating this motel room that I have called home for the past months in order to move into an apartment with friends. I believe this will help a great deal. I am scared because I want to quit smoking, and I fear failing again. I have allowed it to be a part of my being for too long, and a comfort for too long when in fact it isn’t anything that I should see as a comfort. This is something that should have changed a long while ago, but addiction allows us to keep from bettering ourselves at all corners. It is time for change. This is one of many changes that I will be working on. Granted I am not perfect and I fear the relapses as I do so. i don’t want to be grumpy towards others as I do it so I will do my best to keep myself busy. That seems to help cravings. So I intend on many new beginnings over the next few weeks.

I am creating a new life and I like where it is headed. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain and a firm friend to make oneself aware of truths we already knew, but failed to act on, due to a fear, a reluctance to face a reality that is truth.

I realize I am not typical. In many ways, in many roles, I am not the “norm”. I thank God that I am not, because I know it would only hinder me, I would have truly snapped and become permanently broken had I been a normal man. I know this. I feel this. I live this.

I have had several conversations over the past few days that I have begun the process of tearing down my walls. The others may not have realized it, but I have. I hope to continue to do so, and hope to allow myself to be more open, not vaguely, but clearly. I hope my blogs begin to make more sense to more of you as I do this as well.

I know I have a purpose, and I feel I am at the edge of it. The realization is creeping closer. The edge is near, and I can’t wait to fly free. I am reading again. I missed books, and I have found my store of choice for the interests that I now find important to learn about, to indulge, to allow myself to grow in so many ways.

Have a Happy Christmas, and I hope with the passing of the holiday season, you too will find your way to accept who you are, and allow me to see it as I hope to allow you to see me for who I am.